i feel like i'm hitting a dead end..

its 2.15 am in the morning.. i'm awake and i don't want to sleep, and when i sleep, i don't want to wake up.

its a monday morning n i've got to go to work tomorrow.. either that, or i go to the doctor to get a MC. which is really quite pointless, cos i don't think dr kwok will give me anything which i already don't have... honestly i want to get MC cos i want to stay at home n not go to work because i hate my job.

i've got to admit the fact n start dealing with it, otherwise i simply won't be happy. i suck at my job n i don't like it there. i've got to go job hunt for another job. i simply can't take much more of corporate lifestyle.

sorry God but i think i messed up my life. my girlfriend's upset with me over a few things, i'm feeling really lousy about not being able to meet her needs n being like a slave to my job.. i can't even have a weekend without thinking about work. i'm forced to work extra long hours cos i can't finish my work on weekdays.. i hate this lifestyle, i really hate it..

its like what boon said. i'm doing something purely for the sake of money.

and i''ve got no choice because i'm locked into this property, a house i bought at $630,000. ok, minus off 30k grant, but it still costs $600,000. how the heck am i supposed to find the money to pay finish the house, have a wedding, n a nice honeymoon at the same time? its freaking ridiculous..

i don't know what to do anymore.. i only know how to run away n hide under my blanket, n wish my troubles away, but i know that when i awake, its back into a living hell for me.. the hell of my job, the hell of trying to make ends meet, in paying the house.. i mean, if i want to be debt free in 15 years, i've got to pay off $600000 in 15 years, thats about $40000 a year, which means is about $3k a month which i need to fork out..

that is freaking impossible.. i only earn 3.6 k a month.

on top of that, i've got insurance to pay, the building fund, tithe, offerings, transport, hp bill, and pretty much anything that i need, i've got to use my own cash to pay for it. my parents aren't giving me a single cent anymore..

its so hard to go on.. God i know i can always quit and find another job. but i want to at least finish up this deal with inventa before quitting n perhaps, going for SOT.

maybe start giving tuition part time n teaching again. i don't know.. somehow i pray that You offer me a solution. anything's better than this living hell i'm in..