at the crossroads....

today's worship song was really great... Refuge, is the title, but i think it should be named Everyday, cos thats how the chorus goes.. but anyway..

ever since going for svc wif jessie last fri, i have been so upset wif her. esp her behaviour in svc. keep smsing whe pst was preaching...

i dunno, i feel thats absolutely disrespectful to pastor n also to God! if she's not interested at all, then i'm gonna forget about asking her for svc n cell group liao.. i must really drill it into my head, that she's really just a waste of my time, time which i should spend serving God n reaching out to other pple, or studying, or givig more tuition so i can give more finances to God, etc...

right now, i'm really quite confused.. i dunno where i should go. God is really seeing if i can listen to Him! i dunno which ministry i should concentrate on n focus... i had a very strong desire to rise up as a CGL last year.. but this year, the desire n passion seems to have faded very much... n the doubts n fears of failure have only grown stronger. after seeing so many members backslide, even jessie, whom i have spent so much time on, hoping that she will change for the better..

i know God isn't giving me all this confusion n temptations to give up, cos why keep trying when things only get more n more complicated? i got so many things happening now, yet i feel so unfulfilled.. i don't think i can lead a cell group, i don't think i can play keyboard that well for musician, n i can't sing well enough to become a BV, n i don't really have the passion to play drums... so what can i do? what can i do for God that will really be meaningful to me, as well as impact the most number of pple, to help them n encourage them in their walk wif God?

i'm so confused.. the desires of my heart is really jus to serve God to the best of my abilities, no matter what He asks me to do. cos He won't ask too much of me, He won't give me a challenge i can't handle. yet sometimes, i feel a little lost, like i'm moving forward in Christ, yet, i dun really have any specific direction... i'm going round in circles n the circles jus get wider n wider...

plus, exams are coming!! argh! need to study really hard man.. haiz... gonna sleep liao, zzz