Dear God..

dear Lord..

its been quite a long time since i last wrote to You.. been off track writing nonsense n song lyrics n stuff, but forgot the real reason why i started this blog in the first place... is so that i can really tell You everything tat's in my heart n in my mind.. stuff that i can't really tell anyone cos its so weird to share with others knowing that they'd probably not really know what i mean, or what i feel..

its about 430 am in the morning and i'm going to sleep really soon... really not doing well spiritually or academically or emotionally or physically these few days... or rather to be completely honest, weeks?

i'm going to japan next weekend n i really thank You for this trip with the strikeforce guys.. they're so much fun and happening people! i really love them so much its amazing! hahaha... also thank You for the chalet this coming weekend.. although i get a feeling that i'll be disappointed by the turn out, cos a lot of pple r bz with exams, n having SF practice... but nevermind, as long as i have my cell group with me, my most beloved friends.. thats all that matters.. in fact i wish my cousins n family could stay over with me, but i guess that'll be a bit weird, having frenz n family altogether!

that day watched Stomp with the strikeforce pple, got to sit next to a really sweet girl, if she was any older i think i would've fallen for her liao, but she's too young! hahaha.. then that other song loving girl, who is actually quite chio, share so similar music tastes as me, we can practically sing along all day long! hahah.. but too bad she's only 16, oh they're always too young for me.. i must be getting old! hahaaha..

buy anyway.. just wanna pray that all the crappy assignments i've handed up manage to get a pass or do a bit better than expected.. cos i have a sinking feeling tat i'm gonna screw up big time for my studies this semester.. haven't really been studying. always too bz with tuition n ministry, n of cos wasting time on my computer and watching TV everyday! must really learn how to control myself... stop wasting time wacthig stupid shows on TV!

God i know You are great, but i know i'm only human.. i fall n fall n fall again all the time, if You're not there to pick me up this time, i don't know how i'll be able to survive.. n honestly i felt a bit offended when yujie said that i don't really have any idea of the problems that other pple face becos i "lead too good a life". i mean, what is that supposed to mean? i'm supposed to suffer along with everyone else? i'm just a guy who knows how to joke n take things with a smile rather than complain about it. i'm always so positive tat it sickens me sometimes.. i can't help but be nice. oh God, i'm not boasting, but i realy really don't want to be a nice guy anymore... becos nice guys don't get what they deserve.. they only get abused and taken advantaged of.

i'm on myy toes 24-7, waiting to see if someone will scold me, tell me to buck up, or whatever. whether is it yujie, or my choir IC, or even some of my more mature frenz in church.. im really tired of listening to advice.. i want to just serve You and enjoy fellowshipping with You.. to get info n revelation from You! everything just seems to be telling me i'm wrong all the time, i try to do something right last week by "taking charge" of the cell while yujie isn't around.. n then i got the whole cg lost in NTU! what kind of leader gets his team lost??

felt like such a loser.. n she seriously wasn't helping by laughing about it all the way.. giving me the "i told u we should've gotten off earlier" kind of attitude.. seriously she sometimes annoys me so much i wonder if she's not in church would i even bother being friends with her..

n honestly Lord, i'm going to be 23 in a few days.. n i'm feeling realy really lousy about myself.

this whole year what have i done for You? what is it that You're happy with me about? it seems that everything i do always inevitably fails no matter how hard i try.. to be a CGL by this year end? i don't think so. my voice is so soft i can't even hear myself during cell group. i can't lead games without losing my voice. i can't provide counselling cos pple don't take me seriously... God i'm so sorry for throwing away the majority of 2005.. wasting time with the wrong people, doing the wrong things, sinning against You wilfully again n again until i disgust even myself..

But yet, this year has also been a good year.. where i've done so much for You in so many areas as well.. its so confusing, the more i love n serve You, the more enjoyable it becomes, n yet more problems n troubles seem to surface.. my lazy n wavering character is brought to light more n more often, as i cannot hide behind any mask anymore.. if i am to be a leader, i have to be one who is true n transparent for all to see n criticize.. n to be able to stand before You every single day knowing that i've done my best.. done what i needed to do to fulfil my destiny in You..

My heart will sing how great is our God.. as lonely as i feel, as alone, as terrible as i feel, sure i may cry about it sometimes.. but at the end of the day i need to find shelter in You, to seek You n hide in my secret place, to hide under Your shadow.. dwell in Your secret place where i can find all the comfort n security i need.. oh Lord how i want to feel loved by You.. to be so warm in Your conforting embrace..

cleanse me n make me whole again dear God.. let me be focused on You n stop running around doing things, n start loving You and thats all that i need to do.. Love You, worship You, know You, treasure You, adore You... Jesus, i want to be Your friend once again.. Holy Spirit come n dwell within me, stay with me, empower me to do Your will everyday.. i can't live without You, my sanity, my mind, my dreams n visions, live with You.. without You they'll just die out, without Your living water, they'll dry up. let YourWord n encouraging promises always be inside my heart, n let the fear of the Lord strike me whenever i want to do something wrong.. the fear of God is the begining of wisdom... let me reverend You n honour You properly Lord...

In Jesus name,
AMen!