i won't make it.. i'm jus too cut out for it...

so its like, friday morning right? everything's supposed to be happy n cheery cos the weekend is coming n its time to let loose n party like there's no tml right?

wrong.

not for me.. like, it somehow seems the opposit.

in fact ever since i got back from osaka its like, oh man, life is so boring here. no worse than boring, bad things happen here, really messed up stuff, i get scolding n lectures from pple, other pple give me problems n show me attitude, i have to practice "self-control" (kudos to pak, his nick speaks true: self control is not doing what u like to do n doing what u don't like to do!) n basically everything sucks.

oh am i swearing? am i not supposed to? yeah i know. head knowledge of cos. won't really help when things aren't really going well.

n some guy actually said i don't have any problems cos i'm rich n have everything i want.

if he wasn't someone i respect n love i'd bury my right fist in his face so deep it'll send his brains bursting out the other side. my left hand is already injured from punching a wall instead of my ex-gf's face, cos i don't hit girls as a rule.

so what if i'm rich? so what? being rich means i can buy my solutions to problems? for your info i'm working my ass off giving tuition about everyday of the week, sometimes twice a day. n every cent i earn goes to the building fund, cos i made a promise to give a riduculous amt of money to the BF. n of cos yes, it feels good doing it.. but at the end of the day i really don't have more than $10... not in my wallet but in my bank account.

so if you're my friend don't ever say something like "you're rich, you got no problems." or "thanks for trying to help, but you'll never understand what i'm going thru". everyone has problems man, trying to help one another is only to be human, if u don't appreciate my help then you can go to hell. i've been giving my life for a cause that i thought was worthy.

i'm living for this cause, i lay down my life into your hands... the hope of the world, in You i'll stand..

well the foo fighters have an excellent song.. is someone getting the best of me? yeah, i'm giving the best of me to the one who gave His best for me..

Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith? Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I’ve got another confession my friend
I’m no fool
I’m getting tired of starting again S
omewhere new
Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

and i refuse to do something that i don't want to do. its not being childish, its taking a stand. making a decision. i don't want to go to the prayer meeting, but why the heck do you have to make a big issue about it? oh i don't love God anymore, oh i'm backsliding, oh i'm a good example to others, oh i'm being worldly, blah blah blah.. make me feel guilty for something which the answer is just a yes or no. spoilt my whole week you know that?

give up my faith? i'm not doing that!

give up my dreams? yeah i don't want to.. but if achieving certain dreams means conforming to a fixed behaviour n not being able to be myself n express my own opinion, then maybe the dream isn't what its made up to be. weigh the cost before i build the building. sometimes u can't see every cost u need to pay. sometimes the reward isn't that great a deal.

is it twisted thinking? i don't think so. am i feeling bitter? why, yes, how'd you guess? you're SO freaking discerning! oh wow! you do realise that when i start smashing things probably means that i'm not exactly mr happy-and-docile at the moment?

roxette got it right.. you don't understand me. in the words of my most cynical beloved sarcastic interesting sharp-tongued sweet friend..

To all the great people I've met, I treasure our friendships.To all the
horrible people who made my life a living hell, thank you for giving me a chance
to learn the uglier side of life.

but what do you do when even your closest friends fail u? when u sms n try to call someone only to get ignored n misunderstood? i'd probably go n chiong n smoke n play CS until the cows come home... but the problem is, i've let go of all these old friends. they've moved on, thinking that i won't move on with them becos i chose to follow God. i don't even have their number now. is it really worth it giving up all those friends? and the ones i call friends now are too busy and too holy and too freaking high up there to understand n just talk to me like a friend, not as a counsellor or whatever??

i adore MCR, their music rocks n their songs speak the truth. I'M NOT OKAY.

oh well, time to print the songsheets for cell group tonight n get ready my bible. haha! the irony.