Evidence exam tml! Haven't really been studying this week though.. feel so worn out!

Dear God,

i really don't know what else I can do now, cos i really didn't put in much effort this week compared to the hopless mugging the past few weeks.. prob cos i dun have anyone to mug with me, they always say misery loves company! hahaha..

anyway i lot of things happened this week.. it was kinda embarrassing remembering stephanie's birthday wrongly, about more than 1 week in advance, but i guess this way i was the earliest to celebrate her birthday with her! honestly when she told me what she went thru for the past 3 years, it really shocked me.. she's a cell leader n all that, n yet got involved with a non-christian for more than 1 year.. eventually he left her for another girl (duh, what's his problem, if i ever find out who he is, i'll sue the pants off him) but anyway what she went thru made my experiences seem like a romp in the garden. career change, etc.. basically came back to You in the nick of time.

also another thing is that i'm really glad i finally get a chance to play the UDM! really glad that i have this chance to play the UDM with the lights and water, thats what i can a performance! hahaha.. though i'm not really that good at it, i'll give it my best, use up every ounce of my strength.. earlier i told yujie that the osaka would be my last major involvement in the SF, yet i dunno.. when i'm there, it feels like family. it feels like i'm closer to them than many of my own cg members. honestly i love the SF pple.. i don't ever want to leave this ministry. i love it more than choir honestly.

what a totally weird dream i had this morning.. i blame it on the late nights n the exhaustion from the drumming! oh well.. n partly on the fact that i'm real lonely now.. its been like, 3 years into my vow, i've been single since 2002... gosh, can anyone believe that? i don't really have a reason to get attached, considering i'm supposed to concentrate on my studies, as well as my spiritual life, my cell group, my family, my tuition jobs, etc.. but i really feel so lonely nowadays when i walk down orchard seeing the christmas lights up, all the young couples walking around being all lovely-dovey and stuff... i think its sick! amazingly sick! i was on the mrt the other day, n jus in front of me was one couple exchanging presents for whatever reason, then they got matching watches n were like so happy... groan! then when i got off the mrt, another 3 couples just walked past me, hugging n all.. when i reached orchard, all i saw were young teens n youths walking in couples.. it was ridiculous! or am i just being ridiculous myself? hahaha..

anyway it seems that even on msn i can't get a break.. my fren shashi is with a beautiful girl for over 3 months.. my dear daughter janice is having heartbreak from a breakup..

seriously, christmas is going to suck without someone close to me. i know Jesus is the reason for the season, i know that in my head. but i don't know why i always feel that christmas is the most romantic time of the year, You know? not valentimes day, but christmas day. i remember the past few christmas celebrations at church, when everyone was singing "i wanna wish you a merry christmas.." i was with the choir.. or seated somewhere away from my cell members.. seeing everyone hugging each other, i really wished that i could have someone to hug as well.. everyone in my social circle is getting attached.. yongqiang n liping, yujie n rachel, n i don't even want to mention my NUS n JC friends.. why did cindy backslide? boyfriend. why did yilin, n so many other cg members backslide? BGR. i'm not about to claim that BGR is more important than God, of cos God should be 1st in everything. but sometimes i jus yearn for that feeling of being in love again, to be totally accept by someone for who i am, the feeling of being loved, n to love without fear, trust n commitment to someone who returns the same to me.

that day when i met victoria (yes i gotta plenty worked up cos of that stupid MLM thingy, but thats not the point) at raffles place boat quay coffeebean, i suddenly realised the last time i was there was running thru the crowd on christmas day after midnight with huimin by my side, laughing n running during christmas time..

Jesus, i'm terribly lonely now.. all i do is study n organise activities, n work n work n minister n minister.. yeah sure i've got good friends.. maybe not as many as i had.. some friends really "move on". thats one thing which i don't agree with pastor about. the willingness to leave friends so easily.. i mean what is the point of being friends for a period in time n then become strangers again? what pastor said really was the truth.. primary sch, we all promised never to be too busy for each other, friends forever and all that crap.. how many of us are really friends now? my 1st cell group members, don't even say hi to me sometimes cos they're all so busy serving n stuff.. whatever happened to genuine long lasting friendship?

honestly, the person i miss the most as a friend is eunice ding, my socalled "long lost sister". i had supper with her every week for more than a whole year. had long talks with her at her void deck, discussed issues of the heart, spiritual things, etc.. it was great You know? i really thought i might end up with her in the end, i wanted to tell her so much, that hey, i'm treating you so nice cos i want to let you know that i really like you.. i never regretted spending one minute with her. not like phoebe, jessie, n all the other crushes. i consider all those relationships a waste of time, n i actually regret doing what i did. but the only girl who ever really helped me in my spiritual life, encouraged me, n made me feel like i could open my whole life to her... is someone who is so distant from me now, i don't feel worthy to even call her my sister anymore, the only reason why i'd address her as "sister" is becos of her seniority in church leadership.

which by the way, is another issue which bothers me a lot. what is the big deal with all those names? even Jesus was refered to as Jesus Christ, which is Your name. i don't mean to be disrespectful or what, but failing to address someone in a "senior" position shouldn't disqualify a person from anything. calling pple "brother" this n "sister" that. oh my goodness.. it would be so weird calling someone younger than me "brother" whatever.. maybe its my pride issue.. whatever.. i think i have a right to a certain level of dignity. i'm not saying i'm superior to everyone, i'm just saying i should stand up for my rights when i need to. i don't believe that something the whole world is fixated upon can be totally useless spiritually. God gave us the right of choice, the right to freedom, shouldn't that alone make our rights the most precious thing He has ever given us, after His son Jesus Christ?

but anyway.. yeah.. i said it. i miss eunice. i miss her so much more than i thought i would. but i'm going to do absolutely nothing about it, becos she has moved on in her life, so much. You've blessed her n sent her on a pathway which doesn't cross with mine anymore. who am i to argue with that? as long as she's happy doing Your will, serving n loving You even more passionately than before, i should be happy for her n not hinder her in anyway.

i'm sorry God, for being so selfish n always thinking of myself. always trying to say i'm lonely so i have no motivation to do stuff, blah blah.. that i need friends to stir me up constantly.. blah blah. truth is, i have wandered so far from You i don't even think i can see the outer court of the tabernacle aymore. don't even talk about entering the Holy of Holies, when i'm so dirty with sin n laziness, n pride, n lust, n selfishness... the sin nature hasn't been broken in my life yet, n all i show everyday is simply a show. trying to be the best Christian that i can, not even knowing if all i do is for You, or to glorify myself. i hope to God i don't do things simply to get "noticed" or to show my seniority, or to get fame or be popular or whatever... i hate to be the one serving n serving n yet not knowing why or who he is serving. God i don't think You'd want me to serve You if i'm really doing all this for myself.. i want to believe that I'm doing it for You, yet i cannot have that assurance, becos i'm happy with what i'm doing most of the time. i get so confused, cos serving You is sometimes a joy, n yet sometimes a drag. so which is it really?

doing more QT n reading the Bible should give me the answers i seek... i will after my last paper, i promise You. i will seek You like neever before, i will try everything i can to find the meaning of my life in Christ.

In Jesus name,
Amen.