Sunday, January 29, 2006

2006.. the year of the dog. what a boring CNY.

dear God

what a totally boring and uneventful CNY. really. i know i should be giving thanks for all the hongbao money that i'm gonna get this year, but i really felt so bored. its like, every year me n my cousins all have to go thru this ridiculously boring routine, of trying to act nice and greet all the relatives, many of whom we only see once a year on CNY and can't even remember their name. truly, friends are more important than relatives. the only reason why i looked forward to chinese new year is being able to meet up with cousins whom i seldom see.. but now a few of my couins are overseas, and the rest are married and moved on to their in-law's houses.

anyway yesterday before the reunion dinner (which was totally terrible by the way, the restaurant was rushing us by serving dishes so quickly i haven't had time to digest my food before the next dish came, there was no crab, the dessert was totally horrible tasting and nobody knew what it was or wanted to touch it, n each person paid a totally cut-throat price of $45) i went out with her. we had a good time shopping at far east, n had a good meal at mos burger before she had to go home for reunion dinner. honestly, i think her dinner was better even though it was home-cooked. i really miss her n wish she can come with me visiting relatives and stuff, but i know that'll have to wait till 2007.. no wait, actually by 2007 i'm still on vow until i finish my studies around may. oh God thats an awful long time, but i guess a promise is a promise.

Lord i'm really having trouble finishing my building fund. i know i pledged a certain amount and finished half of it really quickly, but then i had so many overseas trips toward the end of the year, and so few tuition cos of chingay practices. i honestly don't feel like i can finish paying it. but i will. even if it takes me 2 or 3 more months, i will finish what i began. yeah i know i've been unfaithful in tithing n paying building fund. but sometimes i just forget whether or not i've already paid my tithe or not. not that its not important, but it get so routine until it becomes just another part of my life.. perhaps i am getting careless and complacent. sigh. it seems that no matter how hard i try, things don't seem to get better. no matter how i decide to read the bible, to pray, to quit certain sins, to stop leading myself into temptation, to be a better person, it always ends up in disaster. well not in disaster all the time, but i don't get the results i wanna see.

up till now i still haven't set any goals for myself this year. been too busy with everything. being under satan's yoke. hahaha what a joke, how lame is that. but the ironic thing is that i'm being doing stuff for You. don't i get some sort of break from all the serving? haiz.. i don't feel passion for the course i'm studying anymore. i don't feel motivated to pursue a good education anymore. maybe it cos i see how my friends achieved better resutls than me. or maybe its cos i don't have any friends in school. thats why i hate it so much, going to sch n not being able to talk to anyone cos i literally have zero friends in school cos i spent too much time with church friends i did not have enough time to fellowship with law friends. its hard to get into their "group" now. they've all found their cliques.

i'm tired and bored and there's so much work to be done. i'm so sick and tired of everything, i need a break from everything. maybe i'll ask from a break from strikeforce n choir.. nah. i love those ministries cos that's where my friends are. God, please help me make more friends in school.. or at least grow closer to the few pple that i know in law sch.

in Jesus name.


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