How could this happen to me? I've made my mistakes.. Life goes on... - Simple Plan

Dear God,

i know i started off 2006 with a lousy beginning. ended 2005 with a lousy ending as well.

what, with my results going down the drain, with my building fund outstanding amount, with my parents starting to nag at me for this n that, for failing to achieve probably not even half my goals in the 2005 goal card. this year, 1st week of sch i already skipped almost every single lesson, sort of resumed a forbidden relationship, overslept for service day, didn't finish reading the Bible, didn't even pray at all last week, becoming addicted to a computer game (see previous post!) and wasting money on cab fares rushing to sch n to SF again (after deciding not to take cab last year during the BF period). and to top it all off, that girl i like is always being chased by guys. guys at her work place, her poly friends, whatever. i can't stand it. her boss just asked her to be his gf. oh man, if she doesn't quit her job i'm sure he'll be nicer to her again.

just proves huimin's theory right. at first i used to be against it, but now, i think she's right. men cannot be trusted. men in general are trash. why are guys good to a girl? simply cos he has some ulterior motive. well, of cos i'm not condemning all guys and not all the guys i know are like that, but basically guys who haven't received Christ yet. maybe i can't blame them, afterall, they haven't had a change of mindset yet.. but still, i tend to think most guys r scum, esp those kind out there in the world who think they're all so rich n handsome n popular.

God i know i'm being a bit biased n over-reacting a little, but why does it seem that the girl i like always has other guys chasing them?

the same with phoebe, the same with jessie, the same with joan.

but You know what the difference is? i know that with the previous 2, they were making an effort to flirt around, they were doing it on purpose to gain attention or to feel secure or whatever lame childish reason. but with joan, she's just being too naive, too friendly, too nice n too loving, and i can't fault her for that. only person i can blame is myself, for being another one of her "victims".

God, You were right to have me go on this vow. honestly, the girl i love in the future, i don't want any of this nonsense. i want her to be like those CGLs in church, whereby guys know from one look that they're off-limits, that the presence of God is so strong, any ulterior motive will be crushed into sand.

of cos, i'm not saying i'm Mr Perfect either. no way. i've sinned again n again in the same area of my life so many times i think You're a bit sick of hearing me apologise n try to repent again. but i will still keep trying to break that habit, until i succeed n by Your grace I will be able to do it!! i can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me.

i can complete my vow n remain faithful to You. faithfulness has always been one of my strong points. now i need to improve on it, not just being "normal" faithful, but to be of a "strong" faith, the mountain-moving faith, God-fearing faith, to be full of faith not just for the moment but always.

i'm tired of heartbreaks n useless negative emotions that don't bring me any closer to my destiny in You. i'm tired of worrying what if i don't end up with the one i like, tired of worrying if i do something wrong n hurt her.

God, i'm honestly stuck in a spot n don't know what to do.

i haven't set any goals for this year, i just run around n try to stick to my rigid schedule of school, ministry, tuition, church and cell group. i don't have time to pray, don't have time to relax, don't have time to read the Bible, don't have time to spend with You, don't have time to think thru what i'm doing.

i've written half a song n the begining of a worship song.. but the moment i begin something, it seems like i can't finish it. You are the author n finisher of my faith. if i can't finish things i start, then maybe its becos i started off well in my Christian walk with You, but now things are falling apart cos I'm drifting further from You... Oh help me love You n experience You more, God.

In Jesus name,
Amen