Monday, December 26, 2005

Still in the Christmas mood... singing Christmas songs!

Dear Lord

Its the second day of christmas, and there's so many thoughts going thru my mind, so many fears n doubts for the new year, so many unexplained feelings for certain pple, so many things i know i should n shouldn't do, but didn't do n did, so many pple i wanted to meet up n send xmas cards to, but didn't have the time, so many friends i wanted to wish a merry christmas to let them know i still care, i still love them no matter how far we are, but just don't have the chance to.

But nevertheless, i guess i had an OK christmas day. playing for the strikeforce i think about 10 times over the christmas weekend! love them SF guys n girls, totally fun pple to hang around with. yup, my body's aching n have bruises n cuts all over, but its totally worth it! Its still the most wonderful time of the year! although one of the performances we all totally messed up, i still felt over all it was pretty good! screaming n running around, scaring everyone, that was totally cool! hahaha!

i still received a few christmas presents, so its still pretty alright. last night's party at the function room was quite fun, esp when i had her with me. hahaha.. i don't care, its christmas, i guess there's a time to really relax n have a good time, like what mariah sang, All I Want for Christmas Is You! hahaha... it can mean Jesus of cos, but the more secular meaning is that everyone wants someone special to spend christmas with.

truth be told, i don't really want to celebrate christmas with thousands of pple pushing n shoving u around, with noisy celebrations n all the hype.. jus a nice quiet christmas night with my family n loved ones, huddled around the fireplace, with the christmas tree and presents in the corner, with christmas songs playing on the radio, everyone having a good time... my loved ones, n that includes the person i love but currently can't be with.. hahaha. its been so long since i spent time with her, caught a movie with her the other day, i never realised how much i missed her until i actually had time with her alone. over the months i forced myself to not like her, to think about other things, to concentrate on God n ministry n other stuff. yeah n its true, i'm not exactly a "faithful" person in the sense that i get crushes easily. too easily. lol.. oh yeah the totally unexpected hug from Miss L. wow..

in case she happens to read this, let me clarify that we're just good friends, though i think she is really a wonderful person, any guy would be so blessed to have her. she's really smart, witty, sarcastic at times, but still cute n fun-loving. hahaha... we had something going on way back in 2000, but it didn't last very long due to complications, hahaha, but anyway back to the point..

yup, christmas is a time when we should be spending time with loved ones, remembering all the blessings the Lord has blessed us with in the year, being thankful n grateful for Him, not really spending christmas with "new friends" and people we hardly know. maybe i'm wrong, i don't know, n honestly don't want to care, but i felt so happy spending christmas with bro boon n the strikeforce, friends i know i can count on, that i really care about, who care about me too. i got more presents n cards from the strikeforce pple than from my own members. not to be judgemental, but i guess u can tell alot about pple from the way they treat u.

haha, last christmas.. the song by Wham! really brings back memories.. how many christmases i wanted to spend with someone i loved, yet was serving in the choir, or sitting far away from my own cell members. everytime they sing feliz navidad, it feels terrible not being with my members n the pple i love, n have to resort to shaking hands with strangers. -_-

but 2006 draws near, n i think i really want to reflect n see what i'm doing in life, whether i'm satisfied with what i've done, where i can improve, how better can i serve God, where does He want me to go n what He wants me to do, etc... to live for God isn't easy, but to think you are living for God when u r simply using that as an excuse to do yr own thing, is really an insult to God. to serve the ministry n not serve God is just as wrong as sinning like an unbeliever.

God pls help me be strong for 2006, cos there's so much more that needs to be done, my studies n law stuff, my relationships with pple, my christian walk with You wasn't too good in 2005, more bible studies to give, pple to disciple, tuition to give, building fund to fulfil (oh and on that note i really need lots of financial blessing to fulfil the 900 left for 2 months, i hope i manage to fulfil the BF by Feb.), and of cos to really start living life without worry n frustration in 2006. this whole year i've been living in frustration at so many things, at the back of my mind there's always a problem, or something to be done, tasks, work, assignments, etc etc, it practically drove me nuts n kept me awake all night for many nights. i couldn't sleep even when i prayed, but then again, i probably didn't believe that You would take care of my problems. i must learn to hand everything unto You, n stop trying to solve everything by myself. pretty tired of trying to live up to everyone's expectations of me, i should like be contented with what Your words says to me.

In Jesus name
Amen!

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