You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!

alright God, here goes...

i am tired. end of 2005, n i haven't accomplished anything. i mean, i've done lots of things n activities. but becos i haven't done Your will, i feel completely lousy n condemned. not by anyone, but by myself. i feel like a total failure this year. i feel so fake always encouraging others, counselling pple, leading pple, when i know that i know that i'm even living in the will of God. i don't even know Your will for me anymore. i thought i knew at the beginning of the year. then i got distracted n things went downhill from there.

the whole church has moved on to expo n to a whole new level. i don't think i can catch up anymore. i'm like stuck in a spot. its not that i refuse to move on, rather i don't know how to. n i feel like everything i've done is useless, pointless, fruitless, valueless, meaningless.

is that true God? the bible says You save every tear that i cry for You in a bottle. well, the bottle is gonna be pretty full by now isn't it? i want to live a life for You, yet always i fall short of the glory of God. i get distracted, i fail, i mess things up, i didn't do what i was supposed to do, n at the end of the day feel so lousy. all the effort i put in, does it mean anything to You?

i know You love me becos Jesus died for me on the cross. thats something i never dispute. Your love covers all the sins i've done, n washes it away each time i repent. but then, why do i feel so helpless? like a whole year passed by n i'm sinking into this blackhole, further n further away from You?

yes its true, i wasn't really sick today, i was just feeling awfully tired n worn out. n i can't possibly go out with pple who don't understand the way i feel, i can't put up a false front n attend bible study happily. God i'm tired. help me...

weiwen