Sunday, April 01, 2007

Exams around the corner, Easter 2007, Benny Hinn, what else can possibly be added to make my life more busy??

Dear God

I haven't realised its been more than a month since I last logged onto my blog to type out a prayer. Honestly God, I haven't really prayed much this past month of march, only when i'm facing a really difficult n pressing problem, and only when i've run out of ideas n solutions n the problem seems beyond my ability, then i finally turn to You. actually sometimes even when things are falling apart i refuse to turn to You n try to solve my life problems on my own, asking other pple's advice, etc.

God i'm sorry i've wandered so far from You.

You've been so good to me, blessing me with a new tuition kid who is really nice n i hope to see her get saved this easter, blessing me with lots of strikeforce gigs n even finances, with a band performance even though it didn't go exactly as i wanted it to, with good friends like michelle, mikki. honestly i don't really have many close guys friends in church. i don't know why, maybe its cos i don't trust guys n i basically don't talk much to guys about serious stuff cos they won't be bothered to listen or understand. sometimes i feel that the practical side of guys is good, but at other times, i don't know.

But You've been good to me no doubt. i've been living a selfish life this year actually, spending so much time in front of the computer playing games, watching videos or simply lazing around. spending way too much time with joan n tuition as well, not to mention sleeping!! God, i've slept so much for the past 3 months, i hope i can sleep less for the rest of the year! and yet, no matter how many hours i sleep, i NEVER ever fell rested or refreshed. and to think i'm so dumb i never wondered why. of cos the answer is simple! i've not prayed or read the Bible all this while, thinking that sleep can do the wonders n replace the spiritual refreshment that spending time with You can bring. how wrong i was.

Lord, help me to seek You more, to make more time for You n my studies, to push away childish things. things that are unhelpful, a pure waste of time n a trip in self-indulgence, Father, cleanse all those things out of my life! i want to really do things for You this time, not to be selfish, not to be so easily swayed n depressed n angry, for it is true a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways. i've been pretty unstable these past few weeks, even thought of leaving becos i felt so stressed n pressured n guilty for not being able to do what i ought to have done.

I quit being a helper in the cell group, n as soon as the benny hinn event is over, i would like to quit from being a chior helper. in fact, i would like to quit from choir altogether. its just that i have no passion for the ministry anymore. of cos i still love to praise n worship You, but i feel that being in the choir as too much commitments. n honestly, the practices are a waste of time. the travelling back n forth, the things that are taught n repeated time n again. for example, this benny hinn practice, all i had to do was attend the final practice n i learnt much more than any of the usual practices. i'm not boasting, but i just don't wish to waste my time. Lord i hope you understand that. i know the privilege of singing in the choir comes with the commitment of going for practices, so all i can say is that i am not willing to commit anymore. its been a wonderful 7 years singing in the choir, but i've got to move on with my passion.

which is? God honestly i'm a little confused.

i loved to be a teacher of Your Word, to grow the cell group, to build the cell group n the members' lives. i don't know if i still have the passion like i did 2 years ago. i mean yeah, i still love doing all those things becos You said so in Your Word to make disciples. but i don't like the disciplinary n admin part!! i really don't know if i can do it, thats why i told Ivan that i wanna step down. before i screw up n really mess up the cell group. honestly i feel quite guilty about whats happening to the guys like clarence n boonkiat n jaric.. i know that if i had been a good example to them n cared more for them n imparted more spiritual habits to them, they'd turn out different from the way they are today. i regret not doing the right thing at the right time. its all been done, n of cos no use crying over that.

i love music, i love playing instruments, as well as writing songs. infact, i also love to write. stories, of honour n bravery, of love n courage. i really wonder Lord, where does my true passion lie?? it seems to lie in so many things! is it really possible to develop all of my talents to their fullest extent? its seems ridiculous, i won't have the time n energy to do so.. physically. God, what do You say?

heal my sorethroat Lord,i still need to serve You for choir tml. let me have a good voice, n energy in abundance, n heal my skin as well, the rashes are coming out again.

but my final n real request in this Lord: that my friends and family members get saved this Easter. i really don't know how to invite my brother n family to the easter event, i mean they've come before n there's really nothing new to the story of easter. they should all know it by now. but i don't know why they still haven't responded to the altar call, God i really pray that they come to know You soon. i've not the courage to ask them yet, so pls help me be bold n sincere when i do ask them. help me speak words that are convincing n compelling, not forceful n pushy. i pray that my brother n his girlfriend n her sister all come for easter n get saved!

i thank You for everything You've done for me.

in Jesus name i pray, Amen!


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