My second post for the day.. Gosh its really damn boring here at office!

Dear Lord,

Just finished doing something simple for Raj. Honestly I really want to do more work cos I'm getting a little worried that if I don't do work and I always go off on time at 6 pm, people are going to wonder if I'm a slacker. Actually they're probably already wondering that and being nice just not to reprimand me about it. Haiz.. I really needed the extra sleep yesterday, but I know I was wrong to skip work.. Please help me to be more sensible and just sleep early from now on. I've about 3 weeks of work left plus this week another 3 more days, so I really hope that the next 3 weeks I'll be piled up with so much work so that I can really learn more stuff during this month, rather than just go through roughly what I already know, or do more simple admin related stuff that the secretaries can do. -_- Just too bad that currently the people who usually give me work are overseas and I'm left with nothing much to do. Think I'll pop over to the litigation department to look for more work again before the end of the day. I must also remember to ask KC if I can follow him to court for a mediation on friday. Think maybe he won't like me following him around, but it won't hurt to ask.

There's so much I want to blog down, about emerge conference, about finally getting together with Joan, the one girl who can really make me smile no matter what I'm going through, and God i'm so thankful to her for being with me all the way during the last few months, when I was so stressed and worried over my exam results, which didn't turn out so good, but definitely wasn't as bad as I dreaded! I mean I realised that all those late nights worrying about something which I had no control over, instead of praying for the peace of God, was really a stupid thing to do, and yet here I am again, worrying that people don't like me so they don't give me work to do. I must be going crazy!

Strikeforce is going to Shanghai next next week and then going to Taiwan in July. God how I wish I can go with them to Shanghai and Taiwan! I know Shanghai I definitely won't be able to go because of work, but July I think I might be able to go if I can just pontang some lectures.. But honestly I know I won't go. I can't afford to skip anymore classes, even if its painfully boring and lonely. Yet God You are with me through it all, and I really want to excel in my job.

I have it all planned out.. and it sounds a little mediocre and boring. Work like hell for the next 5 years, get married at 28, get a nice house and a nice car, then work for another 5 ears and hopefully get to become a partner by the time i'm 35. Then continue to work for another 10 years, dwelling into the arena of politics and community work. But God, this plan, I leave it in your hands to crush and change it as You will.. Because I know that this plan is just from my carnal thinking, with no revelation about it. God I'm so far from You, I do what I do out of habit, but the love for You had dried out, grown cold. I'm full of fear, regret, laziness, apprehensiveness and passive. A shell of who I was 2-3 years ago.

No doubt I'm prospering, in relationships, in finances, in ministry. But whats the use when at the end of it, I lose my salvation because I choose to ignore You?

I don't know if I can do it.. if I can once again bring myself to worship and pray and read the Bible, to know You and Your Word more. I want to try.. and tonight, after the conversation with Valerie, I promise You, I will. Even if it doesn't work out as I want it to, I will still try and keep trying and keep trying and keep trying.. I can't promise not to give up, but I will keep trying until something drastic happens.. until I break through to You, or I break myself.

Or maybe I have to break myself first, then I can break through to You?


In Jesus name,
Amen.