Sunday, March 30, 2008

Confession time

Dear God..

Its been a long time. I know I've promised You time and again that I'd only live my life for Your purpose and do things which You want me to, and I don't want to live my life outside of the will of God, and yet time and again I've failed You.

I've not prayed or read the Bible ever since I started working. I've not really made much effort reaching out to new friends. I've not really tried to get to know the new cg members except maybe william and amanda, I've gossiped and slandered and complained and whined about everything that's wrong with them without realizing that everything is wrong with me. I've had my moments of glory in the Lord, but I've forgotten them all and instead chose to remember the times when Christians let me down, when times seem so bad as if God You Yourself had abandoned me.

There are usually two responses which I give in such situations: anger or depression.

When things don't go my way, when things don't turn out as I expected them to, I start to get angry and point the finger and shield myself from all responsibility by retreating and justifying the mistakes I made.

Or when things get too hot to handle and I start to get overwhelmed, I will run away and try to ignore the problems, or get into a bout of depression and feeling of being helpless, worthless and that life becomes meaningless.

But wait, is life really that bad for me? God You have brought me so far already. Like what Jennifer sms me last night, hang on, keep on keeping on, God has a hope for me, a great future for me. Joan reminded me last night, that Pastor Kong himself prayed and prophesied over me many years ago when I was in hollywood church, the early days of City Harvest, when I had nothing to boast of, when I was just a young kid wondering who God is.

And you gave me such a powerful revelation today.

its sometimes so ironic. I was rushing out of the house this morning and I actually hopped into a cab and realised I didn't bring my wallet! I had to call Joan to loan me some money.

Then when I came into church, somehow I had a seat in the front 3 rows. And then pastor Tan came up after worship and prayed the prayer, as if he was speaking just to me.

About me losing my fire for God, losing my passion, thinking that as an adult I have more important things like money and job and other worldly issues to worry about, but deep in my heart I yearn to come back to God and experience Him in such a way again like I did in my youth.

Then while pastor Tan was praying, You spoke to me so audibly, so clearly, I will never for a moment belive that it was my imagination or that God is not real in my life.

Here you are, weiwen. Just like 8 years ago, in the same position when You met me. Without a single cent in your name, your pockets empty, your heart heavy with problems of which you have no solution, your life seemingly perfect on the outside but you're crying out for help on the inside. Have you not known Me before? Have I not called you my Son, in whom I am well pleased? Have I not sent my only son Jesus to die for you on the cross? Not just for the world and the millions of people, but also for You?

Your heart is hardened and cold, the things you've went through I understand perfectly. The people who hurt you, I've felt the same hurt. But you have someone to turn to now. You know the solution to those problems is not a method, not an idea, but the solution is to return to your first love.

Nothing can seperate you from the love of God, child. I don't care what other people think of you, I don't care what mistakes and sins you've done, I don't even care if you feel so lousy about yourself. I only care about you, I only love you.

When You said these words to me, I cried. and i cried. and i cried. God, its been such a long time since i experienced You in such a tangible way, since You spoke to me, since i had such a powerful encounter. I want more of this, more of You in my life, more of the holy spirit.

I will pick myself up from the pieces, I will not be proud and haughty anymore, I will try my best to submit to my leaders. God kill the pride in my life. The bible says the 3 things that God hates, the lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh and the pride of life. These things will bring a man's downfall. But God i pray that You remove these from my life, even as I make a decision today, to straighten out my life for You, to pray and read the Bible and worship and seek You morning n night every single day, no matter what it takes.

So what if I can't be a cell group leader? So what if I'm not working in the biggest law firms? So what if I'm not a good musician? So what if Christians have let me down before?

Jer 29:11 for i know the thougths i have towards you, says the Lord, thoughts not to harm you or to hurt you, but to prosper you, to give you a future and a hope.

I'm not brought into a perfect world, nor can I expect Christians to be perfect. I can't expect myself to change immediately, or for circumstances to magically change into perfect conditions. and by God's word, I don't want any of this to happen. I want You to mould me and change me, then use me to shine in the marketplace, so be a reflection of Jesus to the world that I am in.

I've made the decision, its going to be difficult and tough. But I know YOu will always be there for me, so its ok.

Its time to seek Your face, to feel Your warmth, to be immersed in Your love once again.

Thank You for bringing me back into Your home. I love you Lord.

In Jesus name I pray,


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