Dear God... once again i've reached rock bottom... n You were there

Dear Lord

Its 1.33 am in the morning on 12 august 2006. The past few days n weeks have been terrible for me. I've been wasting away my holidays sometimes, doing so much at other times, believing in You for miracles sometimes, throwing away my faith in childish bouts of sarcasm at others, trying to do the right thing or telling pple how God is moving in my life, n at other times feeling so low n sinful n bitter than I almost regret ever committing myself to You.

But above all, thank You.

Thank You for not giving up hope on me time n time again. Perhaps You are a more forgiving n merciful God than what people perceive You to be. I've felt so loved n accepted by You even when I do wrong things n am so afraid to repent n to face You again. Your wrath has never been so overwhelming that I am unable to move on afterward. Your forgiveness and grace shall not be taken lightly by me ever again.

What is it tat I gain from sin? A moment's pleasure and compromise or forsake an eternity of God's goodness?

God help me remember all You've done for me, all You've promised me, all the hopes n dreams n visions that You've in store for me. Remind me all the time, when Christians let me down, when circumstances get too tough for me, when things seem to be crumbling around me, when pple get me really angry n i just want to fight back... remind me of You. Let me have the fear of the Lord.

I don't want to ever scold another vulgar word in my life, or utter a curse on purpose. I never want to look another website that'll bring temptation n corruption into my life. I never want to let You down.

Give me a fresh clear vision. What I should be doing, what I need to do, when I need to do what I need to do.

Lord, I didn't fast today cos its so difficult to explain to my mum what i'm doing. I will fast another day this coming week to "makeup" for today. But eventually I come here to pray. And later i will pray somemore in the bath, in my room, on the bed.

Like the song Flights of Fancy, the chorus goes "And I miss you that much"... God, I miss Your presence. Jesus, I miss knowing You n the revelations that You used to share with me. Holy Spirit I miss Your anointing, Your peace n Your silent but powerful presence in my life. Fill me once again Lord.

I want to lead Your pple. I want to write powerful songs of worship. I want to be the best lawyer in the marketplace. I want my family n friends to come to Christ. I want to do so many things... But above all, I want to know You for who You are.

I need You in my life.

At the end of the day, at the end of the charade, of the false gloating n looks of confidence, after all has given way to the night.. I realise I miss You the most. Not Joan, not my ministry, not my friends, not anything else.. but You.

I have come back to worship at Your feet Lord. I need You..

In Jesus name I pray,
Amen