So sick of everything......

Dear God

I haven't updated my blog in a super long time, neither have I prayed or read the Bible for a long time.

Yeah true I just prayed on Sunday morning before going to sleep at about 1 am, but it was because I realised I haven't talked to You for so long. Why you ask? Simply becos i'm lazy? Or is it because i've been so bitterly disappointed by Your pple again n again? Becos life seems to be so mediocre, nobody cares about what I do right, everybody criticises when i do things wrong, old friends tend to become too busy to hang out or chat cos they're attached or worse, start to become a "leader" of some sort in church. too busy serving God to care about your friends. simply ironic.

I'm doing all I can on the outside, but i'm all screwed up in the inside. I wanted to go jamming today but it seems tat only sweekeng is interested n free. then shawn wanted a meeting at plaza sing. oh well, scratch the jamming session once again.

There's so many things i wanna do with so many friends, yet somehow i don't get around to doing them. there's many things i wanna do for God but never have to courage or ability to do it. i can't prioritise my life, i dunno what i'm doing. At this rate, i may become one of those successful lawyers with a seemingly good life, appear to be serving God n being on fire, yet feeling spiritually dry, indulging in secret sin, leading a lifestyle contrary to what i preach n portray.

I'm sorry God, for all the wrong things i've done. for the times i blatently chose to ignore you..

Have i turned worship into song worship? or do i still sing every word to You?

I have no idea now. i have no ambition now, i have no dreams for You, the dreams i have are nightmares.

I love Joan n i want to be with her in the future. yet somehow we're so close now its so wrong. N honestly i can't be bothered to fight the feelings anymore. i really don't want to care.. but i do. i know its wrong. n it hurts You that i break my vow again n again.

worse, i get feelings for others easily still. infatuations or crushes as pple call them. i've had this crush on a friend recently. actually not really recently, its been an on-off thing with her ever since the pre-U sem. haha.. sometimes i wonder, if i told her much earlier would we have ever had a chance together? but now its all history n she's nothing more than a friend. a witty, interesting, career-minded, movie-buff friend.

so tired of living a life for You... so tired of living a life that is a constant struggle.

But i will continue. even if it kills me.

In Jesus name,
Amen.