Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Everyone's getting married next year!

Dear God

Thank You for letting me have such a wonderful last week of holiday. i really enjoyed the sentosa outing with my cell group n zone members n even the new friends. but i'm really sick now, n i suppose its my own fault for indulging in secret sins..

Forgive me for committing sinful acts against this body which You gave me. for hurting the pple around me again n again, for making comments that drip of sarcasm instead of love. for doubting n scorning pple when i should be having faith in them.

God i can't believe taht so many of my friends are going to get married next year, some of them even younger than me, and i'm not even attached yet! its ridiculous. maybe i did make a mistake to take this vow. afterall, Joan n i are really close right now, though not a couple officially, i think we're so emotionally attached it makes little difference.

Yes i know its wrong, but i broke my vow already, what else can i do? fix it? once something is broken, its awfully hard to fix it again. of cos You can do anything cos You're God, n the bible does say i can do all things thru Christ, but then again, what is the point of renewing n renewing my vow?

God i've been on vow ever since phoebe broke up with me. i can't even remember when is the exact date, but i know that old wounds have healed. i can't really get along with her now, cos i think her character is really disgusting n she has chosen a worldly loser instead of You, so i have no sympathy for her. but anyway i have really found happiness with Joan this past few months. since 2005, Joan n i have been close. i've been on vow since 2002. its already 2006 now, 4 years have passed n i have nobody to really be close to. its really hard being single. especially for me.

i know i don't have the holy spirit with me anymore becos i can't write songs for You anymore. last time, biblical lyrics were sprouting out of my mind, ideas for songs n other creative arts were so easy for me to come across, but recently, the creative department in my mind is like a dessert.

i'm so sorry i might have led someone on. its unfair to her that she's popping in n out of wrong relationships, while all the time i've been close friends with her, telling her that the right guy is going to come along soon, when i'm in a relationship with girl whom i am not attached to, sounds complicated right?

what ever happened to " you love me. i love you. thats all. fullstop." kind of romances?

i'm tired Lord. physically drained, emotionally tired, n sick in the body. sometimes i think i want to get sick cos i don't want to get well n face the world. where problemes n bad circumstances lurk around every corner, waiting to get me down n frustrate n discourage me.

give me strength to cross this water. give me strength to get thru this life.

in Jesus name,

by the way, that 24 hour of prayer over singapore thing, i just don't feel like doing it. so what is there's 24 hr prayer over singapore? prayers of hypocrites, liars, backstabbers, and "Christians"?they may pray so earnestly n yet not produce any fruit in their lives. they are not even relevant to society. prayer n fasting works, yes, but faith without works is dead. praying alone isn't going to accomplish much. praying up a storm with a bunch of christians isn't quite the same as pumping in billions of dollars into charity organisations, like the Billgates Foundation. he isn't even christian, yet he's being so nice n doing so much humanitarian work. don't tell me he isn't going to heaven? i don't think its fair if thats the case. but then again who am i to comment n judge, i'm just another human being. just one of the 6 billion or so pple on the face of the earth.

can i make a difference? of cos anyone makes a difference. its just how significant or how great a difference a person makes.

i want so much to make a difference for You, yet i sometimes seem so selfish as i want to pursue my own desires n my own purposes which are contrary to Your desires. what can i do to make me love You more so that i will sacrifice n kill n slay the flesh so that i can communicate with You in spirit n in truth?


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