Tuesday, December 12, 2006

God, i'm really tired of all the nonsense

dear God

while most of the church is having a prayer meeting at jurgon west now, here i am. at home, with a headache, here to whine n complain about how life sucks.

i really dunno what is wrog with joan, why is she being so over reactive, over small things, n insist on her way all the time. i'm getting sick of her antics. honestly i can't take aymore of this nonsense. if she doesn't change then we're not meant to be. this is like the umpteenth time that we had a major arguement in a month! it seems that every other week we'd be in a super huge arguement, either over the phone or in person.

and it doesn't help that guys are always liking her at her work place. maybe i really fell in love with the wrong type of girl.

honestly i want a girlfriend something like lena, or christine. who has decent manners, knows how to behave maturely, who is able to gain the respect n approval of my family n friends. yeah i admit they have their own problems n flaws as well, but at least they kow how to talk to me in a level where i feel i am understood. when i talk to joan sometimes, i feel that she's only listening but not understanding everything. which is really frustrating.

God i'm sorry my life turned out to be so crappy this year. my cell group sucks. my studies suck. my relationships suck. my whole life seems to be going down the drain this year. i have bad habits which are getting worse. i have less true friends than before. my good friends have gone overseas or gotten attached. i have to take care of the little ones in the cell group who're behaving like spoilt brats. i really have no direction n no hope anymore.

besides the fact that i know i need to get a good degree to get a good job to have a good life, i have no more motivation. i'm sick of being disppointed all the time. disappointed by pple, esp those close to me. honestly all this talk of reaching out? shouldn't it start from within the cell group first of all? i don't think anyone's reaching out to me. not that i need their sympathy or anything, i just wish there was someone else i could talk to besides joan. she doesn't understand shit of what i say sometimes.

i've already given up hanging out with my girl pals frequently. i've cut off contact with a lot of my friends, what more does she want? i'm really not a hermit who likes to be friendless. anyway i don'lt know why i'm telling You all this. mostly its my own problems right?

God i really don't know what to do anymore. i wish i can run away from everything, but there's no runing away from You.

i suppose i should be thankful for the blessing in my life which You have indeed blessed me with,. but i'm still fed up with the stupid choices i made this year. this has been the worst year for me yet....

help me make 2007 a better year. help me be who You want me to be. give me a new vision, a new dream, a new mind renewed in Christ. give me a new cell group, a new group of friends who can help me spiritually n emotionally. i don't want to depend on joan all the time. in fact, i don't want to lead her on anymore. it stops here n now. i need to learn to put You first so tat my life gets settled down before i even think about entering a relationship.

Help me God, give me strength cos i am really so weak right now, i feel so helpless about my life...

In Jesus name, I pray


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