its been a while... Lord...

dear heavenly Father,

its really been a long time since i really read the Bible n prayed. in fact, right after shawn challenged me to get my spiritual life in order, exams n projects just poured out on me, n i totally lost focus again, after about 3 days of bible reading n praying.

old bad habits springing back again. vulgarity scolding, shirking from responsibilities, temptation to skip service n sleep in, pornography, calling joan at night again.. it seems that i have mountains of sins which prevent me from reaching out to God..

Lord, i'm sorry, help me.. i'm really trying my best to do the right thing at the right time, to really learn to love You and live for You... just that sometimes, things don't work out the way i want them to. more often than not, whatever i intended for good turned out the wrong way.

God i want to live a single life for You, a single standard, no matter where i am, in the car, in my room, alone or in a group, with friends or in church, wherever i go, i really really want to be the same person, not pretending to be a professional christian.

what joan said to me last night was something which i already knew many many years ago. loving God is both the easiest thing to do, and yet sometimes the most difficult thing to do as well. the paradox of loving God.

but i want You to know that i'm still trying my best for You. i want You to know that all i want is still to worship You n to obey Your Word. all i want is to be successful in life, not so i can boast n become proud, but so that i can glorify You in front of my family n friends. No i who lives but Christ who lives in me has produced the results that they see today. oh man, what a powerful testimony that would be! but alas.. i find myself sinking lower every time i try to pick myself up n move on with God..

God i miss my friends. my cell group members, my choir team helpers, my primary school friends, my JC friends.

God, its my birthday this thurs. thank You for real caring friends, like joan n clarence who asked me what i wanted for my birthday this year. truth be told, what i want cannot be bought by money. what i want, or rather who i want is You. for You are the one who leads me on, You are the only one who can direct me in my life when all is lost, when i'm weak, You lift me up with supernatural strength. God, what i want for my birthday wish is You.. and no other.

My birthday wish.. is to once again build up a strong trustin love relationship with You.

Yup.. and i will get to work on it right away by reading the Bible.. i know sometimes i get down n lose focus, but i wana be with You, i wanna know You for who You are, and what You have in store for my life.

In Jesus name,
Amen!