Sunday, July 29, 2007

Been a long time Lord..

Since I posted on my blog.

Lord just had a long talk with Jaric.. Seems like he's losing faith in You.

Honestly I can't be bothered too much, cos I myself am losing my faith in You.

Well not that I don't believe that You don't exist, because anyone who thinks that there is no God is a fool, because all the evidence in the world points to the existence of a God, given the vast majority of people who actually have a religion, as opposed to the free-thinkers.. But somehow I don't believe that You are who the Bible says You are.

No offence intended, but I've not really changed much for the past 2-3 years, not spiritually, nor physically, or in any other way. Yeah sure I got attached, I performed a few gigs for Strikeforce n served You in the choir, cell group n many other areas. I brought a couple of people to church, even though none of them actually stayed. I did my part for Bible study, guitar playing, entertaining new friends, etc. Basically doing all the right things for the sake of doing those things, and not to please You. Or rather, just making sure I do the right things for the sake of not doing the wrong things.

But You know and I know that I do a lot of wrong things.

In spite of the clean n nice image i try so hard to portray in front of everyone, there's one person whom I can never kid.. that's You, Lord.

My life's in a mess. My thought life at least. I want to do the right things, but at the same time I want to yield to my fleshly desires. I want to do the spiritual things like praying n reading the Bible, but i'm too lazy and proud to admit I need help for those things. I want to help out more in cell group n bring in the integration of the new friends, but I also want to live my own life n enjoy the company of old friends, or even my girlfriend, than have to force myself to entertain a bunch of irritating pple whom i've not even met, n in all probability won't even bother speaking to in any other situations.

I'm really sleepy after talking to Jaric n it made me realise how much of a bad person I really am, that i can talk all i can about believing God exists, and yet not acknowledging His presence in my life outside of church.

I'm sorry Lord but sometimes I can't just help but wonder: do You really expect me to do great things for You when I can't even perform the small little duties that You ask of me? I can't even stay pure and holy for more than a few days at a stretch before i fall into sin n temptation again. what use am I to You? And I feel very much like asking the reverse question, what use are You to me?


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