I'm trying my best to cope..

Dear God,

I'm really not in a good mood right now so I really don't know what else I can say.

I'm tired of getting scolding. I already told my cg member last night, one more time I get scolding for no apparent reason, I'm gonna quit being a cg helper. God help me, i really think I cannot take it anymore.

Not that i'm so fragile n weak n easily discouraged. More like I don't think its right for someone to scold me without giving me a chance to explain myself. And over such a small issue too! Whatever happened to decent civil mediation methods?

Granted, I was at fault for not informing my CGL that I was rushing up to my aunt's house to return the bowls and containers. But anyone could have told her that, I don't always have to be the one telling her everything.

Granted, we left in a hurry without making sure that everyone was "Safe" and that the whole cg was ready to go. But not as if there were no other guys around, Mark, Yorkbing, Hensa, Alex, JJ were all still there. If they don't show manhood and take responsibility for the cg, then its not my fault is it? They're guys and part of the cell group too.

Anyway its not as if we ran off cos we were eager to get home before missing the last MRT train or something. Yes, last time we made that mistake and ran off when we realised it was late, I already learnt my mistake. But this time its different, we were just going to return the things that we borrowed. And i couldn't take the things myself and carry all of the stuff, so I asked whoever is free to help me, while the rest can make their way to the MRT station and go off first. Anyway the girls walk so slowly, we can catch up with them easily.

Is there anything intrinsically wrong with that?

It took us about, what, at most 5 minutes to go up, put the things in the kitchen and come back down?

I really think its ridiculous to make such a big deal out of it. What, in 5 minutes all the cell group pple are going to be kidnapped and go missing because a few guys were not around? Please lah.

I'm truely sick and tired of getting scolding for nothing. God, if this is the kind of thing I have to accept then I quit.

I know its a privilege to serve as a helper in the cell group. Sometimes i take it for granted, but i always try to make an effort to contribute in some way or other. Even if i'm not a helper doesn't mean i won't serve actively in the cell group. I mean, its just another status, if every member is important then being a helper or not being one doesn't really matter.

All i can say is, since i got saved in 1999 Easter, i've always tried my best to live my life for You. I backslided some time in 2000 because of BGR gone wrong, but that was not because I stopped loving You or didn't believe in You anymore.

In fact, when I came back to church, I served even more actively, my passion for You was rekindled again in such a different way. I loved You so much, I spent hours worshipping, studying the Bible. I love Bible study, and I still do, although now I spend more time doing the reading myself rather than get actual lessons from people. I love how things in the Bible can make sense even in today's world, that the principles of the Bible really stand the test of time and culture. I served the best I could, tried everything from choir to drama to cell group helper to children church worker, everywhere where there was a need I tried to meet it.

Isn't that the motto of the church for evangelism? Find a hurt and heal it, find a need and meet it. I liked meeting needs of pple, be it spiritual or emotional or financial needs, and up till today I still do. God, when I needed to do it, You provided whatever I needed. be it money or time or strength, I could do it with You.


My birthday is coming, October 5th. of cos You know, i always like to celebrate my birthday in style, to be with my friends, take lots of photos and have a heck of a wild fun party. Just look at the number of pple at my 21st birthday, prob close to 100?

I wanted to have a party this year too, but then again, everyone's too busy now. at my age, i guess most pple are working or busy with their spouses or girlfriends, or whatnot. i asked for a simple dinner with my old cg friends. of the 10+ pple i sms, only 2 replied within an hour, 2 more replied the next day, and the rest didn't reply. i wanted to have an event like xiangling's party, where the whole cg can come n enjoy n bring friends, but after tonight's event n the scolding? Why put myself thru another round of scoldings?

Yongqiang also complained to me. For his wedding invitation he sms his friends about 3-4 times before many of them replied. I mean, what is this? A bo chup attitude for a friend's wedding?? I mean I helped him sms a few of the ex-cg members whom he wanted to invite. I specifically wrote in the sms "pls reply to Yongqiang at 90055715 if you are going or not" and they still sms me instead. It just goes to show that pple don't even bother reading the whole sms. I won't bother inviting such pple to my wedding.

And speaking of which, the problems Joan and I are having its becoming a little intolerable for me. Mentioning break up about 3 times this week, isn't really helping my nerves. God i'm really quite confused.. doesn't she understand the meaning of a relationship is that we work things out if we encounter a problem, and not run away from it? Breaking up is just another way of running from the problem instead of facing it. and she keeps so many things from me, cos she says she doesn't want to burden me with her sch problems. More likely than not, she just doesn't want to listen to the advice that I can give. She prefers to wait until her sch tutor or someone else comes n tells her the same thing, and then she listens to them. What am I, chopped liver? (Hahaa, that phrase comes from a Garfield comic).

God i really don't know how to handle so many issues all at once. I'm really trying my best to tackle them, but You got to help me, give me some revelation on what I can do, to take things one step at a time. I don't want to end up in the Mental Hospital any time in this lifetime!

At the same time, i realised that thru out this trying period, there are still friends around me, and I really thank You for them. Pple like carol n michelle who are genuinely concerned for me and try to talk to me when i'm down, pple like wilson and huihua and christina.. even my friend from holland, mr lewis ho actually offered to call me and talk about my problems, but i said its ok, msn chatting is sufficient. that's the kind of friend that touches my heart, thats the kind of friend that the Bible describes, who goes all out, to turn the other cheek, to give the coat and tunic, to go two miles with the person in need.

I need You more than ever Lord, not just to be the provider of my solutions, but to give me a vision for what I am doing with my life. You're not just my Saviour or Jehovah Jireh, you're Elohim. Show me a greater meaning, a greater purpose, a greater reason for me to go through what I'm going thru without giving up.

In Jesus name,
Amen