Value of friendship

Dear God

Many things have happened in the past few weeks, and I've been too busy to really type all of them down here, but I know You're with me most of the time, I won't say all the time cos I know I've been a bad guy some of the time, but nevertheless, just wanna thank You for everything that has happened, all the good things and even the bad things, cos it just gives me an opportunity to think thru things, and what I'm doing in my life.

God i thank You for good friends in the strikeforce, who despite my short comings, love me more than i'll ever know. for the boss Boon, who grooms me n gives me lots of chances to show my talent on the stage, something which few pple understand i like to do not for the sake of showing off, but just cos i feel i'm in my element when i'm entertaining pple with my music.
for the close friends there i've made, millie, ian, edwin, neo, yongqiang, rallen, julia, chowkiat, and many many others too many to mention. of cos Lord i pray for a good year for Darshan who just celebrated his 23rd birthday! i pray that he has more time to serve You and he is able to balance his life well to make time for work as well as ministry, tat You bless him in his job as he is really shining for You in the marketplace!

Second thing i want to thank You for is very nice friends in the law school! for some of the pple who help me along the way even though i'm not close to them at all, for pple who help me with tutorials, for friends who book seats for me in the lecture hall n occasionally ask me out, Lord i'm so thankful for some of them. yes, there are pple in the law sch whom i do not like, or who irritate me, but who cares, as long as i know there are pple who are on my side. honestly Lord its not easy for me to be a lawyer cos i simply don't like the pple who are in the profession. i may enjoy the profession, but its the pple who make a lot of difference as well. Lord often i wonder how am i to shine for You in the marketplace when i'm in a relatively small firm, quite unknown, and i'm not in the Big Four. Lord i sometimes think that this is just about it. getting a stable job n making sufficient income to enjoy life with my family n friends.. but then this isn't all You have for me isn't it? somehow there is a dissatisfaction within me..

Anyway the reason why i'm so thankful for friends is becos of the incident where i ruined my glasses at the gig at the hotel on monday n needed a box to contain my broken glasses, then millie refused to lend me her specs box, n i got all annoyed n sent her nasty sms, which i of cos didn't mean at all. she is still young, i shouldn't expect her to do everything right. anyway she already apologised n the next day i felt so bad, i thought she wouldn't talk to me again, but surprisingly she's totally ok with it! i never realised how much some friends mean to me until something happens which could've jeopardised the relationship. but thank God for such friends, who over look my flaws n bad habits.

Last night i got an sms from my leader saying i can't play worship songs cos i'm not prayed up enough. which really made me a bit angry at first, then i stopped to think about it. truth is, yeah, i'm not really a prayerful person. i pray for about 15 minutes a day, though i must say sometimes i don't even do my quiet time. i just talk to God thru out the day, sometimes praying in the taxi (cos i often take cab to school cos i'm usually late) sometimes praying before i sleep, or after i wake up, or when i need Your help for a particular assignment! but honestly i don't pray as much as i used to, n i wonder why. No, actually i know why. I'm some times too lazy, and I'm sometimes too afraid to pray, cos whenever I pray, God you tell me my flaws n where I have to change, n sometimes ask me to do things which are quite scary. i dont doubt that You are there of cos, listening to my every word. even when some of these words which i utter in the heat of anger may be vulgarities.

Whats happening to me? its as if something just died inside me a long time ago. together with my dreams of becoming a CGL, with my dreams of becoming a musician, with my dreams of having a great birthday party where i can share a testimony about how God changed my life. all these died, n so did my hope n joy in the Lord.

the joy of the Lord is my strength. but if i find no joy in the Lord becos of past disappointments, what strength can i have?

i don't deny that You exist, i definitely still enjoy to praise n worship You, i still feel Your presence. but somehow its different. now its like, from a 3rd person point of view, its like watching myself do these things from a distance, yet somehow not really engaging You. its like, somehow my spirit can leave my body n converse with the Holy Spirit, telling Him all the nonsense things i;ve been doing, even if its churchy things, n then the Holy Spirit just shakes His head and sighs. when will you learn that service counts for nothing if its not done in the right attitude?

so i understand why my CGL doesn't let me play for worship. but i still feel somehow, a bit annoyed about it, cos its my forte. i excel in music, yet i don't get a chance to use it to worship You. n i'm always annoyed when she plays chords which are totally not in the family chords of the song. i can't help it, i'm a musically in tune person! Lord You created me like this, i'm sure You know how i feel! but nevertheless, i will submit...

I'm going to go for cell group soon.. Lord i feel no more excitement for cg anymore, no more anticipation for service unless its for some of my fav speakers like Dr bernard, or Casey Treat, or pastor Tan. i don't invite friends at all cos i don't have the time to reach out to them at all. i mean honestly i don't think i'm doing things right in my life at all, skipping lectures n everything cos i'm too lazy to go, n too involved in strikeforce ministry to care about things like reaching out. cos honestly i'll rather hit a drum than talk to someone whom i don't like, n hang out with good friends than talk to unbelievers. its not that i haven't tried, i've tried n tried until i'm qute sick n tired of them saying bad things n having their opinions about our church. honestly i'm a bit sick of what sun is doing, stirring up controversy again. how can i stand up for her when I myself am quite shocked at what she is doing n feel uneasy when i see the music video? it just seems so hypocritical to try n defend n protect her on one hand when i don't even think its right myself.

i'm sure i understand the Daniel sermons n all, but i don't think it should be taken to the extreme. perhaps its just my own personal opinion n i'm being rebellious. AGAIN.

God i'm sure You get sick of my rebelliousness sometimes. i'm sorry but i really can't help exercising my brain cells to think of what i'm doing instead of accepting everything that everyone does n says at face value. especially pple who are not really important to me.

Val says she'll talk to me about it after cell group. lets she if she keeps her word. maybe i'm being too pampered while under yujie n ivan, who will assume that i'll take care of my own spiritual life, when sometimes i don't bother praying or reading the Bible. Lord, who am i kidding, the only time i read the Bible is during cell group, church, bible study, or when i'm looking for some verses to type on my blog or msn nick. other times, its just on my table, collecting dust thru out the week.

its getting harder n harder for me to accept things that the Bible says, its getting tougher for me to change my lifestyle to that of Jesus Christ. that day when i woke up from a weird dream, this thought suddenly popped into my mind, as part of lyrics for a song perhaps...

everybody want to be somebody else, but nobody want to be like Jesus.

Is this really the state of things? everyone wants to copy their idol, or some famous wealthy person, like that stupid anthony robbins, "unlimited power" book. duh. i wonder how many pple actually read those books n their lives never change? and then i also wonder how many pple read the Bible n their lives never change? it used to be that everyone who came out of Bible school not only knew how to talk the talk, they knew how to walk the walk. now.. i don't wish to comment very much, but Lord i think You know very well what i mean.

Its a shame isn't it? i used to have that spark in my eye, full of the life of God, eager to do great things for You, unashamed of the gospel, n going all out to win souls. now i'm just trying to get along in my law studies, earning money thru tuition to bless the pple i love, working on the relationship with Joan, playing for as many gigs as possible for strikeforce, n fulfilling my duties of church n cell group. Doing all the right things for all the wrong reasons. Having a form of godiness n denying its power.

Lord, what is happening to me? Change me quick before I backslide altogether. well of cos i won't leave church totally, i still love You.. but not enough to crucify my flesh n my desires.

Lord with You nothing is impossible. n i believe that, so thats why i'm still holding on. my previous CGL Jairus used to say to me,keep on keeping on, the break through is always just around the corner. so thats what i'll do, just doing what i need to do, with as little complaint as possible, n try to enjoy myself along the way, n stop being such an angry n over sensitive person. honestly Lord sometimes i wish i'm more of a blockhead, more unfeeling, more blur so at least i've got excuses for not being more spiritual. but You made me in this way, that emotions have a profound effect on how i do things. thinking n logical solutions also impact my life in a deep way. sometimes logic n emotion clash n i don't know who wins more often, but God i pray that my spirit takes over n wins in the end.

In Jesus name i pray,
AMen