My list of complaints

Dear God

I'm not who I am anymore, I'm not who I used to be, I'll never be who You want me to be.

I'm hanging by a thread, about to snap at any moment. People who pressure me, scold me, make me do things which they think is right. Girlfriend who constantly faces so much problems in her life that it overflows into my world, who constantly mentions the b word to keep to keep me on my toes, who never seems to be able to understand the commitment I made, who doesn't understand what are the simple things which I expect from her is just to be able to rejoice with me in my victories.

Have I considered leaving church becos of such circumstances, becos of such pple?

Honestly, yes.

God i really wonder who are my true friends. My law friends who aren't even Christian call me and ask me out and chat with me about the problems in life that I'm facing, whereas some pple don't even know what I'm going through. Of cos it may be that I'm wearing this fake smile all the time, cos I don't wish to burden other pple with my problems, or they might not even understand me at all and end up making me even more frustrated.

Thank God i'm meeting Yujie for lunch tml. Perhaps he'll be able to help me pin point the problems in my life.

Do I pray? Do I read the Bible? God am I not even praying while I'm blogging? And I not reading the Bible when I read it online? When has it been that prayer has to be made with audible words? As long as its confession from the heart and outpouring of sincere thoughts and frustrations, in an aim to seek God for solutions, isn't it same the same as an audible prayer?

Doesn't pastor Kong say that the message is sacred but the methods are not? That prayer and worship may be different thru out the ages, but it is still the same God we're praying and worshipping?

One of my old friends recently left church. Why?

She went thru SOT. She has been helping out in the cell group while we were in the same cg. She has been very good at reaching out to friends and very friendly and nice person. And she tells me she still loves God. Then why leave church? The answer is obvious isn't it. Its not God that giving her problems.

Lord i know i probably am rattling off in frustration and when i cool down i'll be able to see things in a different light. But at this moment i really really feel like giving up on everything and just pack up and go.

The only reasons why I don't leave is because I know You are here with me, You will somehow provide solutions for my problems, that You are there for me even if the world seems to be against me, even if people don't understand my effort and my struggles, You do. And also becos of the pple i know will stumble if i leave. For You and for them.

Can i expect pple to have the same standard as me? to be able to be happy for my friends, to rejoice with them in victories, cry with them in their defeats, encourage them in their problems? Obviously the world says "no you can't expect them to live up to your ideals. they have their own opinions and their own way of dealing with things."

Didn't the Bible say not to conform to the things of the world? that we should all bear the fruits of the spirit, to be able to be a good friend as stated in Galations, lifting and esteeming others above oneself? So am i reading the same Bible as other pple? Or am i interpreting it in my own way and blaspheming against You?

The last time i vented my frustrations on my blog i got a scolding from a CGL and a talk from my ministry leader, so I decided to change the address n make it a secret. Lord, this blog is meant to be between You and me, if other pple want to read it, they should respect that and save their opinions for themselves.

Yes i know i'm not perfect, i know i've got areas i need to change. You constantly remind me of those things. but You do it in love, with patience, with long suffering and somehow, when You tell me things, i will be compelled to listen n to take action, not having it forced upon me.

God i'm sorry i've not been able to live up to the standards of morality and righteousness which is written in the Bible. I've got problem fulfilling the 10 commandments as it is! But it doesn't matter as long as I try right? Its not as if i'm not trying, i am, even if pple don't believe me. I know what I'm doing, who else knows except You?

The Bible says pray in secret and you will be rewarded in the open. Perhaps I stil have not prayed in secret by writing things down on this blog?

Lord in a few hours i'm going for cell group, having outreach event, and they are going to be new friends there, so pls prepare me for the events, wipe these problems off my mind, let me deal with them later, so i can really concentrate on whats important first - the souls of other pple. To put others before oneself, esteem others above me. In Galations. The verses tat my very first CGL shared with me on a personal bible study stick with me till this day.

Thank You for real friends in my life, pple who can help me grow in maturity and offer solutions to my problems, who draw me closer to You instead of pushing me away from You.

In Jesus name,
Amen