Wow, been a whole month since i blogged..

Dear God,

Its been a long time since I last blogged here! Nevertheless, its been a good month. more or less. Thank You for the many blessings, financial blessings, friendships, good classmates, cg members, and so many other things to thank You for, not forgetting the PSP, the new games daryl sent me, the new animae VCDs and downloaded movies, everything is really going nicely for me. School has been quite a drag, but i can't say i want to complain about it becos its as good as its ever going to get! Honestly the time table is quite slack n i don't really worry about sch that much, cos i don't bother too much. Its pretty much a waste of time anyway, i can't wait to start work asap and start earning the big bucks..

But anyway just wanted to say that the cell group msg was so timely! I can't ignore it any longer, Val's sms, the way i treat my cg members, the alarms ringing in my head, the way i behave at bible studies, the way i treat the bible and church leaders, my approach to handling new friends and cg members who are not so familiar to me.. I'm simply being quite bo chup about all this.

Its like i couldn't care less about pple that don't care about me, instead of being an initiator i become part of the crowd, waiting for others to make the first moves in caring n loving pple. maybe its time i stop looking at me n my own world n look at the real world, and get into other people's worlds!

After all, You did say to go into all the world n make disciples.. i wonder if the world meant the physical earth-world, or the worlds we all have in our minds?

Personally i think i've been ignoring the pple in the cg n cannot be bothered to really impact their lives, i'm so different from what i was in the past.. i guess i really need a strong relationship with You before i can even talk about loving other pple!

The reason why i was so loving n caring n be truly concerned for each n every single member of the cell group was probably becos i was plugged into the everlasting eternally powerful source of the universe - You! You gave me endless strength to do what i needed to do, as long as my heart was right before You. showing love n being involved in cg members' lives was what i did best, i wrote cards, sent smses, sent emails, bought random gifts, just to encourage my members... but i don't do this anymore, i don't even do it for the past 1 year. i guess my capacity for love isn't very large, once Joan got into the picture, i spend more time n effort to shower her with love n blessings.. but that really isn't an excuse.

honestly i was pretty shocked this wednesday nite when Joan told me that she liked a guy. in the middle of bible study, all of a sudden she just said that lah! n furthermore after a long series of sms in which she asked me suspicious questions n also at the dinner before bs, she asked if i would still love her if she liked another guy, and what would my reaction be. honestly i don't know what i'd do if that ever happened, but of cos i try to act all confident n say i don't really care cos i'm better than any guy that she will know, haha. but honestly when she said that sentence of liking some guy, my heart literally broke. i was like, stunned for a few minutes n i felt like the world seemed to throb with noise n the air was difficult to breathe. i actually cried in the classroom in the middle of the bible study, i can't believe i'm so emotional! but honestly it was the biggest shock n upsetting statement i'd ever heard for a long time, not since i found out i failed one of my modules 1 or 2 years ago. Of cos later she clarified she meant she liked him as a friend, becos some of her classmates are quite mean to her, but this guy was nice, so she didn't mean that she liked him in the BGR way, but it was too late, the damage was done, i was deeply hurt n shaken from what she said. i mean, we've been together for only 3 months and already she said her heart has wondered away from me? honestly i was very bitterly disappointed n angry besides heartbroken, even if that was not what she intended at all. she just wanted to tell me of this nice classmate but it came out all wrong n i interpreted it in a totally wrong manner! God, how my heart hurt, it hurt so much i wanted to just stand up n leave the class n just stomp out.. but thank God i didn't. she explained to me she didn't mean she liked another guy and she loves me but the words had already been said, the effect could not be negated.

I'm sorry Lord but i've been hurt before, and i don't ever wish to be hurt like that ever again. She's made me lose trust in her, even if she didn't intend for it to be that way.. but when she said those words, its like somehow it was like knives stabbing into my heart, n a part of me nearly died. i can't take the pain of losing someone ever again.. God please help me trust her n love her more, its tough for me to trust her with my heart after what she said...

some thoughts flashed thru my mind. if Joan left me, what would i do? leave church? no. probably not. but i'll probably slip into depression for a while, n need a long time to recover. i still remember it took me more than 6 months to get over my previous breakup. i'm still a bit shaken by what Joan said, i pray that You help me get over it.

its been a crazy week, i've got assignments to hand up, things to do, and i'm tired.

had a really fun time though, with millie yanqin melissa n their friends at KTV the other day! though it was freaking expensive $35 per person, we had a lot of fun, and its been super long time since i last went KTV with friends! God, its as if i had a trip back to JC days when we would go crazy n scream n laugh at each other, when having fun was really about having fun, and not for some purpose or other. i didn't really drink much cos i was driving, but i guess the vodka did its job n made us all sufficiently "high"! hahaha.. some guys ask me, where do all the nice girls go in Singapore? i think to myself, most of the girls i know are pretty nice, i wonder whats wrong with the guys?? hahaha.. God i guess i tend to see the goodness n niceness n potential of people, regardless if they are christian or not. Val spoke about being an encourager, well, millie n her friends really helped me destress from all the problems in my life, they encouraged me by singing KTV with me, doing what i like to do! n at the end of the day, it is surprising that encouragement i get doesn't come from my cg members, but from strikeforce members, or even friends who are not even christians.

I guess i need to sleep soon, i'll continue blogging another time,

In Jesus name,
Amen