Tired n feel like giving up...

Dear God

Thanks for a wonderful time with Joan on saturday, celebrating my birthday at the Pasta Cafe at taka basement, the food was really nice, but of cos the present i received were even better. i have no idea where Joan gets the money from, but i really really love the giver of the gifts much more than the gifts. i don't need the new hp or the photo album, the song which she recorded and sang to me would've been enough for the best birthday present ever.

Yet other not so nice things have happened. I'm really quite sick of repeating myself n having to explain my situation. Or rather, i don't even have the chance to.

God, i really don't want to argue or make excuses for my behaviour, but the fact is that sometimes i'm busy and its not that i don't want to make time for spiritual things. If i really don't care about spiritual things, i won't bother about praying, or going for Bible study, or talking to You and doing my best to reach out and encourage my cg members, even when i'm feeling like shit myself.

You know i'm really busy this month becos my tuition kids are all having O levels soon. And you've given my this talent to teach n this passion to make sure that every young student i encounter is able to make it for the exams. im' giving tuition to Joey, Shihui, Tessa, Shaun and Yihuei. And what is my purpose? Is it to get lots of money so i can splurge it on myself? Come on, if i really wanted to do it for the money, i would've gotten much better paying jobs. the money i get is peanuts. i charge like maybe only 50-75% of the market rate for O level tuition. I even give free tuition to Hensa n other church friends who ask for it.

So naturally, i'm a little bit busy.

Am i making excuses for not being about to go for prayer meetings and helpers meetings and whatever other meetings? You be the judge of that. I've already said too much to Joan and tried to explain things to my cgl, but at the end of the day, its Your opinion that matters. yes i know i am human, i get upset when i get scolding especially when i don't think its my fault, when i feel i'm getting scolding for a misunderstanding.

But i'm not giving tuition for selfish ambition or for money or to make myself feel good or whatever. i'm giving tuition to help these kids through their exams. they may or may not be Christians, but the Bible says to help the needy right? what's the cultural mandate? to be salt n light in the marketplace, to be an influence right? i'm giving my time n effort to these kids becos i want to help them, and hopefully be able to open their hearts to me as i help them so that i may share Christ with them. Is there anything wrong with that?

People don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care. Another one of Pastor Kong's evangelism 101 principles.

I've tried my best already Lord but it seems my best is not good enough, and will never be good enough.

I really felt like crying You know? when she said that, i just don't care about the cell group matters, i don't even make an effort to turn up for helpers meetings, or prayer meetings, that if that's the case why should i be a helper?

You answer that question for me. I no longer want to explain myself. Its useless if pple don't want to see what situations i'm in, and just tell me to stop making excuses.

definition of "excuse"
• verb /ikskyooz/ 1 seek or serve to justify (a fault or offence). 2 release from a duty or requirement. 3 forgive (a fault or a person committing one). 4 (used in polite formulas) allow (someone) to leave a room or gathering. 5 (excuse oneself) say politely that one is leaving.
• noun /ikskyooss/ 1 a defence or justification of a fault or offence. 2 something said to conceal the real reason for an action. 3 (an excuse for) informal a poor or inadequate example of

I'm not trying to conceal any hidden reason, i'm not asking for release for any duty or trying to avoid a fault or offence. I'm just trying to explain why i was not there when I should have been, granted that I would love to go if i were able to free myself up for it.

For my birthday this year, i'm celebrating with my law friends, my old cell group members, and my ex-JC classmates. I don't even want to bother celebrating with my own cg members anymore becos i don't want to get scolded for making them stay out late. Since i have no manhood and can't be bothered to be super nice and make sure all the girls who stay out late go home, i have no right to ask them to go out right? Therefore i'd rather go out with my Strikeforce friends, my clubbing friends, my girlfriend... at least with them i don't have to feel i'm under scrutiny or anything.

For the past 7 years of being a Christian, honestly i never felt so condemned and discouraged by any leader before. I'm not just saying this, You know how previous leaders have reprimanded be on wrong relationships until they're practically shouting at me in public, how leaders have banged the table at me when i'm stubborn sometimes, and all the other leaders who have discipled me.. But i always feel accepted by them, at the end of the day, its becos they love me and they want to help me change. But now, i just feel pressured and pushed to perform, to work, to conform and to change instantaneously, according to a subjective viewpoint.

I'm not perfect, I'll admit my faults, but there are reasons behind the way i do things. I'm not an idiot or a kid anymore.

God, i'm really going to give this week one last shot, and do my best, if things don't work out, then too bad then. i'm not cut out to be a cg helper, by all means remove me and put someone else better suited to the job. i don't really think this position is something so great that i'll die without it. its an honour to have served You these past 6 years as a helper, i've been through so much, brought in so many friends and helped many cell groups to grow and multiply, and You've been the source of my strength, never the glory.

in Jesus name
Amen