When I can't cry before God, what does it mean?

Dear God,

Though I changed the blog title, I guess I can still use it to write You some letters once in a while.

First of all, sorry for all the wrong attitudes and wrong thinking and terrible behaviour in the past 2 weeks. I guess the stress of exams got too much for me to handle, plus the quarrels with my girlfriend, and the fact that my CGL is pushing me for friends all the time. But forget it, I don't want to complain anymore.

I just wanna say that during last week's cell group, I dunno whether is it You speaking to Val to speak to me, the thing about living life as if everything is alright but when I'm living a double life inside and outside church. Actually more like I life a different life when I'm alone, away from the presence of other pple, cos i'm fully aware that people are watching me, and every mistake I make gives them a chance to scoff and laugh and demean God.

Though I do get pissed off or depressed sometimes, there's always one thing which keeps me from making things worse: my respect for God, and knowing that I represent You in many pple's lives.

My members, my sch mates, my old friends, my family, my tuition kids, my working colleagues.. Everyone knows I'm from City Harvest Church, sometimes its such a burden, when I do something wrong, or make a joke of something, they'll be ever so eager to pinpoint faults, not faults of mine, but faults of God!

No wonder Dr Avazini said today, we are all living representations of God, so we do unto others, we are actually doing it to God. So likewise, when we make mistakes, does it mean God makes mistakes as well? To the non-believer, well yes of cos! If the Holy Spirit is in you then why do you still scold vulgarities and make crude jokes?

I guess my answer is that though He is in me, He is not controlling me like a robot, and He can be frightened or driven away. Fact is, I've had such a stinking attitude, I know the Holy Spirit is deeply hurt and disappointed with me.

At cell group last week, during worship, I knew You were there. You showed up becos Your pple were hungry for You, but yet I did not even cry in Your presence. I tried to worship, I tried to remember how good God is, I tried to tell myself that I can be forgiven, tat I will never be condemned in Christ. Yet strangely I could not cry. I could not bring myself to be immersed in the presence of God. There was such a strong barrier (probably of sin) that prevented YOu from reaching me...

How do I get rid of sin? Inward change of heart, outward change of actions.

God its my first day of work tml after a 5 month break of school. I'm really apprehensive, and I keep telling myself I've not played enough, I've not had time for a proper break!

Yet I guess this is life, this is how it is. I can't always get what I want, I gotta learn to accept more responsibilities, more problems, more burdens.

I believe in You God.

I believe that You are God of all, and that You will see me through this spiritual crisis, this dry and painful time, this financial strain that I'm in.

I believe God, help my unbelief!!