Exposure and confession

For the past week, I've had several conversations with 2-3 friends about some stuff which I thought I knew pretty much enough to handle matters myself only to realise that sometimes the human heart boogles the human mind. Actually human emotions often conflict with the human mind, we've been fed with so much info on what is the right thing to do, what we should do, but often we don't feel like doing it. Or rather we know what we should not do, but the temptation, the feeling of doing it or just thinking about it is enough to make us shut down our minds and listen to our hearts - sometimes with unpleasant or even disastrous consequences.

I know who reads my blog often, of cos my beloved Joan, a few of my church and strikeforce friends, my overseas friends (dunno why all my good friends always end up going overseas to work/get married/study, is Singapore really such a lousy place to do all those things) and thats about it. My non-church friends don't get to read whatever I ramble on here, which is a good thing cos sometimes I write stuff that would make cell group leaders cringe and yell blasphemy, but at the end of the day I still maintain my stand that this is my blog and whoever reads it has to deal with the content it has in whatever way he/she takes it.

Btw, I was just reading a really old post on Lithiumised blog on how annoying it is when someone comes to rant and scold you about certain things you put on a blog, when its supposed to be part of your private life. But seriously, I share her sentiments on the issue. Its like the internet when it first came out, everybody wanted to control the content of it, filter out violence and porn, filter out political dissidents, filter out dangerous religious or racist articles, filter out advertisements for cigarettes and alcohol, and a whole lot of other censorship crap. But honestly, what the internet is filled with depicts the moral standards of society as a whole. It shows the ugly side of humanity in its fullness, the vices, the "worldliness", the whole shebang of bad stuff.

But the internet also shows the good side of things. The music videos that we can appreciate, the beauty of nature and space, the charities that help the poor and needy, the causes for the protection of minority races, etc. There's too much good things in the internet to mention, but probably an equally innumerable amount of bad things. So what the heck is the point I'm trying to make, dear reader?

A blog is a reflection of the person's current state of mind, his emotional wellbeing, his current situation in his life. It doesn't mean that if a person curses and swears on his blog means he's an uncivilised barbarian in disguise. If a person complains about things or other people in his life, it doesn't mean he isn't able to deal with it, or isn't trying his best to.

Yeah true, there is power in the words that come out of our mouth, or something that is written in the Bible to this effect. But how about the words that come out of our fingers, cos technically we're not speaking these words onto the blog, but rather typing them out? Haha! If i were in a court of law and asked to prove this point, I'd go into it and claim that if God was against blogging, He'd have put it down in His Word. Show me a passage that states you can't bare your soul to another person. Rather, thru out the Bible, the Word speaks of having faith toward God. Now how do you know if a person has faith to get saved? By beliving in his heart and speaking the words out in confession, that Jesus is Lord right? So if he has any doubts in his heart, does it mean he has no faith? Can doubt and faith co-exist? I believe pastor Phil has addressed this issue before. But let me bring it to another level. If faith and doubt can co-exist, can a person have good thoughts and bad thoughts as well? Obviously, no doubt about it (pun intended).

So when a person writes on his blog, he can only write the good stuff? keep the bad stuff suppressed n let it build up? wait a min aren't we supposed to be honest with ourselves? come on , life isn't a bed of roses, just becos I smile a lot and treat everyone nice doesn't mean I'm a saint all the time. and the times when I let lose, I get condemned and pple say I'm immatured, I'm stumbling younger Christians, yadda yadda yadda. Let me put it this way:

1. If I'm immatured, then tell me what I should do in your subjective view of maturity.

Paul says if he has to boast of what he did, he can but he chooses not to, and considers all that rubbish for the sake of the Kingdom. I'm not so noble or highly qualified as Paul, but I indemnify myself by saying I write this not to put anyone down but rather to question the right of those whose comments seek to put me down.

Want me to list my accomplishments throughout my life? It may not be as many as the A*star scholars, and I'm no Micheal Phelps, but I've done some stuff. Second in Command in the NPCC in sec sch, enabling the unit to win GOLD award for the first time in the history of the eca. Prefect and class monitor for about 8 or 9 years of my life. Trashed every speaker in the debate team. Air Rifle club in JC, taking part in competition and getting 3rd in my first time shooting, then getting bored and quit the club to be more active in ministry. I don't even want to mention about ministry, cos pple will then turn around and question my motives for joining those ministries if I were to mention anything exciting about it or how proud I am to be able to serve in it. About my job, oh, did I mention I handle deals worth millions, or meet with ultra wealthy clients who are in some cases "untouchable" by the law? Granted, these opportunities and positions were given by God, and I wish to give Him full credit for it, but I know that my own character and personal decisions had a role to play too, however small it may be.

While I know that without the grace of God I could never have done all these, sometimes I just wanna tell the person "correcting" me, who do you think you're talking to? A juvenile delinquent who's high on drugs and low in intelligence? Give me a break man.

But I respect your opinion, I take it, I digest it and hope somehow or other it really is applicable to me. Do I hate you for it? Of cos not. Rebuke is never painless and always unpleasant, and sure I know its for my own good most of the time. But let me just turn things around and ask, have you put yourself in my shoes before telling me what to do? Do you know the entire truth surrounding my circumstances?

I may be able to put my blind faith in God but I certainly don't put blind faith in what people say. Too many seemingly gullible pple do that just to achieve their own objectives, while those who reason and ponder over and occasionally challenge the advice given by others are seen as "trouble makers" and dissenters, who ought to be deported or made bankrupt or locked away from the innocent sheep. (tip of my hat to Ian and Sebestian here. haha!)

actually i think i've written enough on that, cos i'm here to blog something entirely different and just sort of got carried away. haha. my bad.

How do you know when you're in love? When you just want to be with the person all the time? When you will give up anything for that person? When you wish that person to be happy even at the expense of your own happiness?

I'd like to think my own understanding of love transcends these typical BGR questions.

Pastor once preached, once a guy is married, he can no longer have any good friends who are girls. The best pals can only be guys, girls can stay as friends, but never best friends anymore. The girlfriend or the wife takes the place of best friend, lover, soul mate, etc. And I have to admit, it is the right train of thought to yield the desired results.

I know even though I am attached to a wonderful, caring, extremely cute and lovable girl, I sometimes get the thought of "what if". Not that I'm straying from her or loving her less, but issues of compatibility and personality does get me ruffled every once in a while. Here's what my friends have to say about it (summarized for your benefit):

If you think you're more compatible with another person then you're just looking at the superficial things. Character is more valuable than personality. You may have the chemistry in another activity with another girl, but is she able to bring your characer to another level? You may enjoy the company of another girl, but what is it about her that you are attracted to? Her outward beauty, her personality, her intelligence, or taste in music? You're putting your life and your girlfriend's life on the line by every moment of wandering, as harmless or innocent as it may seem. A weed is planted, it takes root, if unchecked it springs up and damages the garden. The garden you've taken great pains to prune and beautify, the blood and sweat and tears you've sown into it, the beautiful creation that the world stops to admire and appreciate. Is it all worth it? Are the "what ifs" worth it?

Really reminds me of pst phil's But God sermon. But God would not allow me to wander too far, or to let my thoughts or emotions dictate my actions. But God would always send me the Holy Spirit, no matter how rebellious I was, to keep me in check, to reel me into His presence, into His love.

But God reminds me of this fact which I know and nothing can change my mind or my heart:
I love Joan.

To quote from Julia's email (thanks for providing the inspiration), Joan, my heart remains with you. No matter how many times we argue, at the end of the day, I know you are envisioning our life together in our new flat, the furniture we're going to enjoy cuddling up on, the moments we're going to spend on our honeymoon, the places we're going to explore and take lots of photographs of, the children who will call you Mum and call me Dad, the school we're going to set up together, the vision of God we're meant to fulfil, the cultural mandate of music and law and education, the amazing world of opportunities just waiting to be birthed forth by God.

To throw this away for a "what if" that will never amount to anything? No way.

She tells me that she scares herself thinking about how much she loves me. I tell her it scares me that she trusts me enough to leave her heart, her life in my hands.

And through it all, God has always been in the centre of the relationship. Maybe we don't pray as much as other couples, we aren't as spiritual as other cell leader couples. That's ok, we can always work on that in the many, many years to come. Serving Him together in Strikeforce, in the cell group, at church.

Now that I really start to think about it, i realise God has indeed blessed us greatly. Thanks to Him, we have a future to look forward to, while many others have a bleak dismal image of the future. It is our duty to reach out to the lost even as a couple, to share the love of God with our friends and relatives. Well I don't think hard selling the gospel to strangers is going to work very well, so we're not going to go into that. Hahaha!

If anyone is wondering if there is a point to this post, there are several but the ultimate point is that I love Joan and if ever there comes a day of temptation, my love for God and my love for Joan will pull me through to make the right decision. How do I know it for certain? I don't. But I have faith.

(Blind faith, even in the wrong things, can be scarily powerful. Look at how the blind faith of the cursed townsfolk in Silent Hill kept them safe from the demons of hell despite having such blind faith in the wrong hands. Terrorist and extremist have the utmost faith in their false gods to be able to throw away their lives like that. In order to be able to be a soldier of Christ, we are to have faith that overcomes the world, not to mention faith that stands firmer than the evil resolve of the terrorists. Like the chinese who teach their missionaries how to be matyrs.

One thing that mr KFC aka Dr Peter Wagner omitted in his preaching on sunday is this - in a war, even if one side is victorious, it will suffer casualties. True, he did mention that the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and that the gates of hell shall be taken by force and violence. But with every war, not only does the soldiers have to endure suffering, many of the soldiers will inevitable face death.

I wonder if the day ever comes when I have to choose between declaring my faith, or having my head sawn off at the neck like those poor hostages in the jungles, what would I do? Lie to save my life, or give it up to proclaim the name of Jesus? How many of you can honestly say you will do the later in all truth and honesty?)