Monday, June 16, 2008

My soul cries out for more of You my Lord..

Dear God...

Couldn't sleep well last night. Maybe it was due to the hot weather, maybe it was because I was stressed over work, maybe it was because of the heavy dinner which I ate, or maybe another reason. Or it could be because I was pondering over my relationship with God, and also with Joan.

Its been like, ages since I read the Bible or really prayed. Not the ten minute kind of prayer, but a really deep conversation with God about my life kind of prayer. I mean yeah, I pray every time I encounter difficulty during the week, I pray when someone needs healing or a prayer request, I pray for things and for other pple and for myself. But I never really prayed a prayer which was directed at getting to know God and who He is, and what is it that He wants to say to me.

In other words, I've made many shallow prayers, the shopping list prayers, the selfish and short-sighted prayers. Worse still I try to help pple when I'm not exactly doing well myself. Didn't it say somewhere in proverbs, when the blind leads the blind, both will fall into the pit?

I harbour bitterness towards certain pple, I have this haughty attitude (I guess it comes with the job eh) and I don't care much about doing things for God anymore. Its just to do my will, not His will.

I don't even feel like going cell group anymore, or service for that matter. I can't stand how fake I am sometimes, lifting my hands and praising God when deep down I'm angry and hurt at something or someone. How hypocritical can I get?

And its making me sick. Spiritually, emotionally, even physically. Literally falling sick.

I don't know how to get back to the heart of worship, I don't know how to come back to God. To regain the relationship with Him tat I've lost, what should I do? Reading the Bible should be a first step, but honestly I find it boring to read the same old stories again. But what if God speaks to me differently this time? I'll never know if I never read His Word..

I've got to try. I'm not praying 1 hour for 21 days. I mean, I don't even pray more than 15 mins a day. But I promised God I would try. I also promised Joan I would try, for the sake of our relationship as well. For if we seek His kingdom first, all things will be added to us right?

I've been giving tithe n offerings faithfully becos I've experienced the financial blessings thru giving to God. But what I need now is not more money, but more presence of God, more of the Holy Spirit, more of You in my life.

You before me, in everything. Help me God.

In Jesus name,


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