Life is full of ups n downs isn't it?

Dear God,

Everytime i write here, i do so with the full assurance that nobody can read this except You, cos i really write some stuff here which i do not wish for anyone else to read.. for example, my secret crushes, my frustrations in life, etc..

I'm sorry God for not being able to conquer my flesh, and i still give in to certain wrong desires every once in awhile.. i really wanna repent and move on, there's still so much to do for You.. Yet i really feel so depressed especially by pple who play me out sp last minute! i don't get it, i've really tried my best to reach out to them, i really don't know what i'm doing wrong. i've done all that i can to be a friend to them, n what do i get in return? pple who say i'm harassing them! i can't believe it. if its not for Your commandments n Your will, i would have really flipped in anger last night. i really feel like shouting into someone, i don't have to take this kind of nonsense! i have a life, i have school work, and so much things to do, do you think i like calling you to get you to come to church?? God, sometimes really, i feel so rotten after being so nice to some pple n all they give me is attitudes like this..

thanks for Clarence n kenneth, who are so teachable n i really have no wish to scold them, but yet i have to when they show me that they don't really want to do something as simple as planning a game. i trusted them to do it , n thank God at the end they did manage to come up with a good game... thank You for small kenneth also, he's bringing a fren for steam boat tml! praise the Lord!

God there's so many things running thru my mind, godly things, worldly things, temptations, emotions, its like its a war going on in my head! i know what i have to do, the right things to do according to Your Word, cos i believe I'm guided by the Holy Spirit, and more often, its just pure common sense! i have to do the right thing, no matter how hard n difficult n unattractive the right thing is.

Father, You know that i really get emotional at times, especially when Jessie calls me n talks to me, even thru sms. i don't wish to do things out of obligations which i don't even have, yet i feel so much compassion for her, i can't help but help her in the only way i know how, the practical way. is it wrong to help out a fren in need? i don't think so right?

and everytime i am free i love to listen to love songs. i dunno why! especially chinese songs. and when i listen to them i think of Jessie n the times i sang KTV with her. i dunno Lord, why is it so hard to find the one for me? perhaps i just have to stop searching n really trust You to bring the right girl ito my life. n yeah, i know i'm still on vow for another 2 n 1/2 years, till 2007. i keep telling myself it isn't a long time, but honestly, i feel it is. i'll be 25!

God i'm gonna be 23 this year, and wat have i accomplished that i can show to You? what have i really done for You? being in ministry n reaching out to friends, yeah, i know i've did my part, but i'm still not satisfied. i wanna do so much greater things for You than just reaching out to a mere few souls now n then! i wanna be in thick of things, spearheading the battle in the world of politics, winning pple over to Your side. yet now i can't even handle a handful of pple, how can i ever achieve my dreams? I know i have to be patient, n i guess that's really what it means to live my life by Your Word, in Your will, to do only the things that You command me to, at the right time, at God's divine timing...

i was so encouraged by Pak! that's one guy who really reminded me of myself when i first got saved in 1999! hahaha...

i guess there's really 2 ways i can respond to every situation. either to panice n feel sad when things don't turn out the way i planned, or to keep in mind that God You're still in charge, n as long as i do my best, i can safely trust You in everything that i do, even if it turns out wrong, or turns bad, as long as I know that I've done it purely for You, not out of selfish ambition, i can trust You to handle the situation as only You can. to bring a bad situation n turn it around for Your glory! i really have to learn to deal with my emotions, Lord. i pray that You will discipline my flesh more n more, until i become totally submitted to Your will.

In Jesus name,
Amen.