sick physically spiritually emotionally!

Dear God,

this has really been a lousy week for me... since sat things haven't been going well for me, n i'm really really feeling pretty lousy about myself.. i don't have the urge to pray or read Bible.. i mean i want to, but when i get down to it, i get so distracted n sort of just stare into space n blank out.. what's happening Lord?

anyway i'm really sorry for all the sins that i committed today, i was so annoyed, or should i say furious? at the band for giving me all sorts of excuses. i really don't feel like talking to them about it anymore n just forget the whole thing. i shouldn't have asked them to play for my party, this is a lesson i learnt. i mean, yeah they're great pple n nice n all, but just couldn't care less about my party. its not like i haven't put in effort to organise anything for them. but nevermind, i must learn to accept things for what they are n try my best to adapt to the situations.. i guess everyone has a reason n a valid one at that, so i really got nothing to say.. i'm not their CGL, i have no right to say anything.. but really got angry this afternoon, thank God eunice was there to talk to me n try to make amends, by organising a prac on fri nite.. but i dunno, if i didn't blow up, would anyone do anything? do they have to wait until i get angry before they start to get serious? maybe i need to stop talking nonsense n start being more serious so pple will take me more seriously.

yeah, i think thats one of the things i need to do. be more serious n stern with pple. that will probably be one of my new year resolutions. to be more serious n talk less nonsense. i'm sick of pple telling me they don't take me seriously, cos i joke around too much.

anyway yeah i really pray that You'll anoint me to play for tml's prayer meeting at church. n most importantly, i pray that You give me strength to last thru out the dec holidays.. it seems to me that i'm even more tired n busy during the holidays than during normal sch days. i'm getting burned out n tired out, i really feel so stretched n burdened.. why is that so? Lord, is this how i'm going to live the rest of my life? forever being so busy serving n serving n serving n not being able to do what i like to do? meet up with friends more movies n all that? where has my life gone to? i dun really have much of a life, spending most of the day at the PC or at the TV today... i really itch to go out with my friends n talk to pple.. cos thats what i'm good at, communicating n talking. reaching out to others. but then again, i can't be bothered.

this is going to be a sad christmas for me.. spending christmas alone again. watched the movie alexander today, what one wise man said is true, you feel most alone when you are in the biggest crowd. i still remember christmas in 2002 after i broke up with huimin. christmas at the indoor stadium. 10,000 pple singing n laughing n enjoying themselves. but suddenly i felt so alone. so distant from everyone... even from You, God. i know i shouldn't feel that way, that i should be of good cheer n celebrate Jesus's birthday, but i can't help the way i feel.

even now, i really don't know how to face jessie. she doesn't seem to want to talk to me. why doesn't she just get attached n leave my life totally? i don't want to see her like that, halfway here n there. i'm also pretty confused bout my life now, all i know is that i want to serve God with all of my heart, mind n strength. take all of me in exchange for all of You.

God, wouldn't it be really amazing if one day You actually replied to my blog? hahaha.. yeah, but You'd do it thru my quiet time, thru the Word, n not thru the internet! haha. really wish You can help me settle my life, cos everything seems to be in a mess right now. like my room. hahaha!

i have to write a spiritual diary but this is actually my spiritual diary, i find it rather annoying to write it twice! God pls heal my cough, i really want to sing for You on choir n to be totally healthy for the evangelistic party this saturday! though i know pple may not share the vision with me, i don't care. the purpose of the party is to celebrate Christmas, Your birthday, n i'm jolly well gonna make it a good one, the best that i can give. Lord You deserve my best n so much more. i have no regrets doing all that I cann for You n to bring in the lost souls. i pray that many pple get impacted n touched by You during the party, tat Your presence be in the function room from the begining to the end of the whole event.

let me change my way of thinking, im still pretty childish n petty when handling issues.. let me live according to Your Word.

In Jesus name i pray,
Amen