Wednesday, April 27, 2005

stalker alert! wahaha!

Dear Lord,

this is really a very weird day! being stalked by kiat at the TPY central! oh man.. i can't believe it! but anyway yeah..

tml is my last paper. really pray that You help me for it cos i know this time round i really gonna do badly if You don't give me the wisdom n supernatural help tat i need! i didn't really study much cos too burn out after the 1st paper, n for various other reasons.. this topic is actually quite interesting, yet becos of the tutor's style i really grew to dislike it. haiz..

God i know its really not right to study at the mac with her but i really needed someone to study with n simply too lazy to ask any other pple, cos i already know her sch schedule n she really needs to study anyway, so its so convenient for us.. haiz.. oh well at least it all ends today. i won't be studying with her anymore n Kiat probably won't be bothering her anymore either..

honestly i didn't like him the moment i saw him, i thought he had some ulterior motive for coming church n true enough, my suspicions came true! or perhaps it was the Holy Spirit telling me n discernment that he isn't really coming for the right reasons. oh well, its his choice. if he wants to come becos of Joan then he might as well not come at all.. i really did my best to be friends with him, yet he told Joan he don't like me cos i'm too close to her.. duh!

its so unfair, i try my best to be nice to pple n they turn around n stab me in the back. even meijuan spoke to me in such a rude way, i was like almost gonna blow up if joan wasn't there. Lord You look at how she speaks n see for Yourself, i am really very angry, but i didn't show it or at least not obviously. can't believe it, 2 pple testing my patience in one day! i almost wanted to just stomp off n go home n study, if not for joan sitting there.

but i suppose meijuan didn't mean to be insulting lah. You told us to forgive n forget. i will try my best to be acceptable n just take it as if she means no harm.. somehow i feel she was bitterly hurt in the past by some incident that made her the way she is today.. the glory of God all gone from her life, no presence of God about her at all.. i pray that even as i make wrong decisions n go against Your will sometimes, i really want You by my side, to guide me rebuke me if i'm straying away too far from Your will.. i know tat today was such a rotten day becos i shouldn't have gone to study with her in the first place... haiz.. i'm sorry God, things never work out right when i disobey You.

its like the whole thing with Jessie again. yeah true this time its different becos Joan is a faithful believer n i really didn't purposely hide the whole thing from anyone.. but still, temptation has come n i failed to see it coming.. i really feel so rotten n awful, so out of Your will oh Lord..

i promise You tat Joan n i will be friends n just friends from tml onwards.

yeah.. i have to make it clear to her as well. in conduct, in thinking, in everything we do, we must be a good example to the younger members, we can't carry on like this, knowingly doing the wrong things. i should know better than to lead her astray.. i'm sorry God.

she is really a very good friend n its true, i love the spark of fire in her spirit, the way she talks, full of faith n assurance, always encouraging n loving.. yet it is the character of God that i yearn for which she has, i don't really know her as a person yet. so i must be sure what i'm after, the character of Jesus, the anointing of the Holy Spirit, n not a wrong premature relationship.

perhaps after 2 years this would work out.. only You know my future, hahaha.. but for now, yeah i will decide to discipline my flesh n really do whats right.. even if its gona hurt.

help me to concentrate on You, to fulfil my desire to be a cell group leader, to move up another level in my spirituality, in my relationship with You, my love n passion for You..!

i'm going to army soon Lord.. i wish i didn't have to go there, i really hate that place.. where i have to listen to others who i don't respect at all, whom have no authority over me except given by the government whom i didn't even elect. but since Your Word says to submit to authority.. i guess i have no choice but to do what i need to do. haiz.. help me to change my thinking so that i will actually enjoy my 3 months in army... i'm so depressed, there's so many things i'm doing wrong right now. help me make the right decisions in my life for once.. i'm tired confused n on the brink of breaking down.. hope army won't be as bad as i picture it.

help me Lord, i'm so stressed.. everyone is pushing me from all edges to grow, to expand, to mature, to rise up, to do this, do that, i'm really hoping for You to tell me what to do!

In Jesus name i pray,


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