Thursday, April 21, 2005

so much has happened.. major exam tml... live recordig just over.. disappointed by frenz.. loved by someone close..

Dear Heavenly Father

so many things have happened recently.. i don't really know what to type or how long this entree is going to be cos i still need to study.. but in the past few days, i've gone thru a barrage of emotions.. extreme emotions..

God i really pray that You forgive me for all the wrong actions n deeds i've done.. i really need Your wisdom n guidance for the exams, i think i might really go there n blank out cos i'm so scared.. i didn't really study much this entire semester, so busy serving in ministries n all that..

I'll really at my wits end, trying to study the best i can now.. then after exams its back to army! its so unfair, i have to serve for another 3 months, my whole holiday is burnt by army.. haiz. but nevermind, i pray that You send me there to reach out to some good friends.. although i dunno anyone there by now except the regulars.. i pray You will use my time in the army to really make a difference in pple's lives.. n not waste my time there doing nothing everyday..

even right now talking to Jeremy, really pray that he will come to church one day. not as a religious duty but becos of an encounter with You..

But before i go on, thank You for a wonderful time of praise n worship at the live recording! to me, it really isn't about how perfect the music or the song is, but whether pple can sense the presence of God in the whole album, whether the Holy Spirit will show up n change pple's lives even thru the CD n DVD... but one thing is for sure, i simply had a great time praising You in the midst of my troubles n stress.. God life isn't easy to live, i get disappointed by some pple.. it may be a big misunderstanding, but nevertheless it taught me to really learn how to forgive n forget, n how not to have any expectations of pple.. seems like the only person i can trust all the time is You. i always place friends at quite a high priority in life, even more then my family.. cos family is basically friends who are yours naturally once u r born into this life!

but anyway thanks for a good time, n now i'm gonna study until tonight after i finish writing this.. i just have to get out something off my mind n heart..

God i know i'm on vow n everything.. n i know that all the stuff i wrote about Peggy n other girls are simply jus crushes n not real.. inspite of me trying to get close to them n stuff, i know it will never work out cos i'm simply not serious about it, cos i don't really like them.. yet this time..i think i've really come close to liking someone..

we both know its not the time for us. thank God she's mature enough to understand tat. yet we're both helpers in the cell group, its really not right for us to be so close, so Lord i pray that You watch over us constantly, the reason why i keep this vow is cos i know that You deserve my best n i wanna dedicate this time to really love You n serve You.. to focus on what You want me to do with my life, n not go after temporal things..

yet i dunno why i was so happy when she told me tat.. that in our hearts we both knew that for a long time already, even though we kept telling each other we never could fall for each other, even though we tell each other we have crushes on other pple.. somehow or other, we both became so close it was almost inevitable that we like each other.. yeah i admit its unwise n foolish to have long phone calls n studying sessions together everyday, but i really need to study, n she needs someone to help her with studies as well, i see it as a practical way to benefit both of us..

so thats what i mean by going thru a barrage of emotions.. God i jus wanna let You take over my life, cos its sometimes too tough for me to handle.. feeling extreme anger, sadness, joy, excitement, euphoria.. all in 1 week! i'm sorry for being disrespectful to yujie, but he jus called at the wrong time, n i really needed to cool down.. i really dun feel like going for the outing or organizing it at all! let the younger ones who are so free do it lah..! i feel so pressured by yujie! i mean its exam time n there's live recording lor..

yes i'm stretched to my utmost.. i can't spread any wider.. God help me expand my capacity, but also help me focus Lord, i want to do many things for You.. i'm not happy jus serving in cell group cos i've a passion for music n singing as well.. so i really dunnno whats in store in my life..

also i really think i should concentrate on You more, read my bible n get more revelations from You.. i need a spiritual breakthru..

yeah Joan is coming over to study soon.. so sweet, everyday coming over to study with me cos of exams.. haha..

but one thing we do know, we're putting You first n focusing on You no matter what.

In Jesus name,


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