Wednesday, April 06, 2005

finally its up n running again.. anoying blog

Dear Lord

I have so many things to say to You! since last night, when i tried to blog, until today, when this thing is finally working..

1stly i'm really very disappointed n sad by kenneth.. seeing him cancel my name off his blog, that is really a very obvious sign that he doesn't trust me anymore.. God what did i do wrong? i have done nothing more then to help him in his walk with God, trying to teach him the right things to do n say, teach him stuff from the Bible, stuff that i've learnt the hard way..

2nd thing, thanks for a good group discussion today.. finally felt like i pulled my weight at today's project meeting! haiz.. dunno why i feel so inferior to those other law pple, they're just as human as me! gotta stop having this wrong mentality of being not smart enought to talk to them..

3rd thing, i really am getting more n more confused each day.. i know i'm on vow, i know i have my studies n ministries n Bible reading n family to take care of... yet each day i feel so lonely n so depressed n so confused.. i pray about it, n yet still can't sleep. the moment i finish praying n lie down on my bed, thoughts of loneliness suddenly flood my mind again.

i know its not Your timing, i know its really not Your fault, its my own selfish flesh wanting something tats not meant for me yet.. God how do i live in Your will if i keep wanting to do my own will??

4th thing, i really want to give up on my cell group ministry. i can't do it, i just can't take it. instead of helping Yujie, instead of bringing in the souls to the harvest, i'm causing more problems for everyone. haiz.. i can't speak with the authority n anointing like yujie. pak only came cos yujie encouraged him. kenneth now doesn't even want to talk to me.. i feel so hurt by that. i've sown into his life, i've treated him like a brother.. no doubt he's a little more stubborn than the others, but i never loved him any less.

i'm really very devastated by him, God.. i tried to help him but only made matters worse... n i've let You down. most of all, i've let You down...

i'm so sorry God...

i really tried my best...

i shouldn't have committed those gross sins.. i'm sorry. forgive me for my sins n i will repent once again. but i can't find the strength to get up anymore. carry me on Your arms Lord, i can't walk on my feet anymore..

i think i jus wanna worship You. God give me a reason to live.. to live for You alone!

In Jesus name


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