i'm so confused n tired... yet i can't sleep

Dear God,

jus suddenly thought of this line from an old song.. "so tired that i couldn't even sleep.. so many secrets i couldn't keep.. promise myself i wouldn't weep... one more promise i couldn't keep.. it seems noone can help me now, i'm in too deep there's no way out... this time i have really led myself astray.."

its from a song Runaway Train. God, i can't believe it, its been 11 years since i first started listening to music intensively, i still remember my 1st music tape i bought, 100% hitz. it was in 1994 n the latest collection of songs at tat time. haha..

suddenly its 2005. and i'm going to be 23 years old in about 7 months.

time passes so fast Lord! where has all the time gone to?

sometimes i wonder if i'm doing the right things. i mean, there's still so many things i want to do, yet i'm not able to do them.

i really really pray that You will find someone for me, who will be able to help me grow closer to You, as well as provide the love n physcial touch that i really yearn for.. i dunno if its wrong to really yearn for physical touch, but for me out of the 5 love languages, i feel that touch n words of affirmation mean the most to me...

anyway right now i'm on vow.. yet seeing those images on the TV screen jus now, really makes me feel a little depressed, cos sometimes all i want is to have someone to have n to hold, n to share my life with. i know i shouldn't be thinking about such things, i should've jus switch off the TV n gone to pray.

God, i pray You help me be satisfied in Your presence!

i don't want more than doing what is good and acceptable to You.. even if its hurts now, i know that in the long run, i will reap a good harvest if i keep sowing into the relationship with You, if i keep doing wat i need to do, what You want me to do, even when i don't really understand it, when it really really feels bad n sad..

I pray for a good turn out tml at the cell group outing! that all the new frens who promised to come would come, that more frens would turn up last min, that You be with us in the midst of all the games. Help me manage the event, i am at a total lost of how to host such an event. i don't have the confidence to do it honestly.. sometimes i almost want to pray, God choose someone else, let me stay in my comfort zone n just serve You in the best that i know how..

even right now as i chat with her on msn, i feel the cuts n pain, cos i know we're both on vow, n i have no right to distract her from her relationship with You, n i do not wish to lose focus as well... help me God.

i dunno who to turn to right now. i know yujie will be so annoyed cos i keep having crushes on girls even when i made a commitment not to! i don't want to share with pple spiritually immature, as i do not wish for any of them to stumble cos of my actions... i have to log off n sleep soon, to save energy for tml's event.

but God, i pray u help me manage my feelings n emotions! let me think of the consequences of my actions!! i know the results of my actions, but i jus don't want to admit them! how childish am i.. haiz.. how can You ever use me if i jus keep staying at such a childish level?

Jesus, i feel like backsliding... whatever i do, whatever i pray, whatever i say, its never good enough for You. You are such a Holy n loving God, yet i am such a fleshly n unworthy person! always rebelling against You, against Your leaders, always trying to find ways to go "around" Your Word.. knowing that i can never outsmart God!! You who know my every thought n desire n weakness!

oh well, i guess i should pray tat Peggie doesn't come for the outing on sunday lah. i'm already preparing in my heart that she won't come liao, so i won't be too disappointed. she is so young, what on earth am i thinking?? haiz.

anyway i hope whatever i do, i will always remember to ask You for permission, You are my Lord and King, if its not in Your will i will NOT do it. Amen!!