sad story.. bored with tons of work to do... help!!

dear God,

just found out last night that jessie is attached, for how long i don't really know n don't really care either. actually i wonder if i would've bought her a birthday present if i had known that she was already attached? haha probably wouldn't have bothered.

i jus got peggy's hp number today.

i know its not right for me to keep chasing girls n stuff since i know jolly well that You want me to learn to be disciplined in thie area of my life, but sometimes i jus feel so... i don't even know how to describe it. lonely? bored? insecure? perhaps a combination of these?

i mean yeah, church is great, serving You is great, but still i yearn to find more purpose in what i do. especially in school! i don't really like what i'm studying. i don't have many friends in law school cos i don't like to befriend superficial pple. i can't tell who is a real friend n who is a superficial person cos everyone is such a good actor (i.e. hypocrite) in law school, with their english accents n meaningless conversations about their own lives.. i mean there are nice pple no doubt, but how real are they? sometimes i see their smile n i feel that there's something else behind it. maybe i'm just being overly sensitive.

but honestly i can't wait to get out of law school. this place sucks.

I'd much rather be a full time servant for You. there's so much i can do, i'd rather be out there slogging it out in the mission fields than facing such such annoying wannabes.

then again i want to do things my way. i always force myself to accept to do Your will, to learn obedience, yet my flesh n my mind always wants to do other things. tml is the nite i will attend Pst Ulf's seminar. i really pray for him to bring a break thru Word to me thru his preaching. God,i really want to find my purpose, my meaning in You once again. but for now, all i know is that i'm going round n round. maybe even left on the shelf. i don't know Your will for me anymore.

God i'm sorry for the sins i've done. its jus so frustrating sometimes, not being able to have someone to hold, someone to cry to, someone who loves you with every innocent and true and sweet love. i guess the longing for a relationship has caused me to do funny things.. to sin against You,to long for temporal pleasures instead of doing Your eternal work.

it seems that this year my motivation has changed from "I want to do Your will" to "I want to have as much fun as possible before i serve You totally".

can i ever have fun and serve You? i know i can fund fulfilment in serving You, but fulfilment is still different from fun. happiness, joy, not caring or worrying about something at the back of my mind.

these days i can't concentrate on anything. i keep thinking about my homework, or about the cell group, or about evangelistic events, or about which girl i currently have a crush on, about what is it You want me to do... but strangely i hardly ever think of You. of jus talking n spending time worshipping You...

perhaps this is my biggest mistake. having drawn closer to the world, but further from You.

I'm sorry Lord, forgive me. i really want to know You more. not just in my spare time, but in the best n most productive times of my life.

Like that song says..

Here i am to worship
Here I am to bow down
Here i am to say that You're my God
You're altogether worthy
Altogether lovely
Altpgether wonderful to me

Let me know You more n more Lord God.

In Jesus name,
Amen