Friday, March 18, 2005

finally going to meet up with her... but am i doing the right thing?

dear God,

even as i'm typing this, i'm fighting the temptation to do things which i know i shouldn't do, fighting the sheer physical flesh side of me, to do things which r totally sinful to You.. but nevertheless, as i take control of my flesh, i believe You will strengthen me!

Yujie shared with me the day's lecture with Sy Rogers n i think it was quite good! he addressed certain issues which were of major relevance to me..

but the main thing on my mind now is:

what the heck am i doing??

God i know that i'm on vow for another 2 years until 2007, and even after that should i even be interested in her, she'll still be only 19 years old n i'll be like, 25! thats so old! she's young enough to date my brother!

oh Lord, what am i thinking??! please help me get these ridiculous thoughts out of my head, i want to focus on whats important to You now.. i know i'm organising the SF outing simply so i can see her again.. i know its really wrong, but i pray that as the outing info spreads, that the crowd will be so large that i won't even have the chance to speak to her, so that at least i can rest at ease that my "evil" plans have been thwarted!

i'm so ashamed, i can't even tell yujie what i'm doing!

God, pls let me start to change my character, the way i do things, the thoughts i think, the attitudes i portray, the words that i speak, the manner i conduct myself, the feelings that i am trying too hard to suppress!

help me in this Lord, i can't fight this battle myself.

not my will but Yours be done. i feel so guilty over this whole outing thingy, yet i can't cancel it cos i'm already confirmed with some SF members. i really hope matured members like jennifer or irenus will be there so i can have someone to watch over me, should i get out of hand...

sometimes its tough being the one who leads... especially when i have no idea at all how to lead, no confidence in myself, no amibition to raise up in SF whatsoever. i thought it was my calling to serve in choir n in cell group ministry...

God pls tell me n help me focus on my calling.

but at the same time, draw me ever closer to You. i loved the touch of the Holy Spirit at the benny hin meeting, i believe that as long as i hunger n thirst for You even more daily, i can have such an encounter with You!

in Jesus name i pray,


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