Minor annoyance...

Dear God,

yes i know i'm not in any position to complain, but i just want to make it clear that i'm not happy with the way certain people do things.

it was a good cell group, the worship was better than last week, really felt the presence of God singing Majesty.. dragged a little bit, but much better than previous cg. though the message was heard before a few times, i guess it really brought faith into the cg.. i dunno about the others, but myself, i was ready to go lay hands on the sick after the sermon! haha.. such a is blind faith, trusting God for everything.

now, what i'm not happy about (i'm not gonna kid myself n say what i was not happy about cos right up till now i am still not very happy about it) is the way i'm forced to do something. and not just asked nicely, but reprimanded into it. totally pissed me off, n if not for the sake of the younger members, i'd have blown my top.

yeah i know the Bible says he who is slow to wrath is a man of great understanding.

yeah i know when the leaders lead in Israel and the people follow the leaders, well, praise the Lord.

yeah i know You are the God who took the Israelis out of the land of Egypt so You could be their God.

all the verses from various parts of the Bible. but why would they make sense to me unless You use the verses to speak through the Word to me?

before anything else let me clarify that i have nothing against learning the Word of God, i think it is wonderful to be able to quote scriptures to encourage yourself or others, or to use as weapons against negative circumstances, to justify beliefs in the Bible, or whatsoever reason.

yet i feel being forced to do something in the cell group, not forcing one person but a whole lot of guys, is ridiculous.

what is freedom? what is liberty? during BS i learnt that "true liberty comes from being able to be free to do what God wants me to do."

thus the paradox. if God wants me to do it, do i want to do it on my own? does the flesh delight in good deeds, or is it the spirit in me? obviously the flesh delights in sin and selfishness. but if God wants me to do something n I hear from Him, i will fight my flesh to accomplish God's Word. Lord, You know that i mean what i say and say what i mean. i am clear in conscience and clear in my motives and mannerism.

yet, i was still very annoyed. becos what good will memorising verses, the fullstop and inverted commas and whatnot, when it is done out of a duty? not out of love, not out of self-interest, but out of pure obligation. no, not even obligation, but out of pressure from someone who hasn't really understood my point before slamming everyone about not caring about the Bible or the Word of God, of having a lazy and slack attitude.

i've memorized the verses for 2 emerge conferences already. n my team members from the last emerge backslided cos they were forced to learn the verses, after much "encouragement". i'm sure it was so effective in impacting their lives. (pardon the sarcasm)

the point i'm trying to make is that a Bible verse impacts my life only when it is from You. when i'm doing my quiet time, when i'm reading the Bible and pondering what is it You want to tell me, when i'm down in the dumps n tribulations n trials surround me. that is when i remember the verses.

psalms 91. the Lord is my shephard, i shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, and still waters.

proverbs. go to the ant you sluggard!

jeremiah. for i know the plans i have toward you, says the Lord. plans to bless you and prosper you, to give you a future and a hope.

matt. he who exalts himself shall be humbled and he who humbles himself shall be exalted.

and why exactly are these verses precious to me? becos i heard You speak them to me before. not becos i memorised them from a piece of paper.

its not as if i have plenty of free time either. oh man, if i were back in secondary sch or JC or even army, sure, i have all the time in the world for any activity, but for goodness sake i'm not so free anymore.

n honestly i felt that shouting displeasure at pple just cos they did not do something doesn't achieve anything. it only increases antagonist feelings and resentment. explanation should come before the task is done, not after it. i can't blame the pple for not memorising the verses becos they don't want to take part in the contest. nobody ever said it was a test to see how spiritual one is, or who loves the Word of God more.

for that matter, did those who memorise the verses eventually practice what they have learnt and applied the verses to their lives? maybe some of them did. but that was becos they heard You speak to them thru memorising the verses, or becos they spent hours reading the Word and already those scriptures were in their hearts. we'll never know.

i'm sorry for attacking the person n not just the offence against me, but really i felt so infuriated. i didn't want to take the test, n forcing me to take it just made me lose respect for you. pastor created the word power challenge to motivate people, not coerce them or pressure them into memorising verses, the way muggers in school memorize chunks of info for history class.

God i know i've backslided in my passion for the Word, i'm sorry. but this isn't the way i get motivated. You know that i dislike being forced to do things, i can be challenged and rationalised but i get really defensive when i "must" do something. only You are worthy to command me, snd even Jesus didn't force anyone to follow Him. he gave them choices and allowed them to make decisions. perhaps my character is still weak in this area, i have pride to conquer.

no matter, i must forget the incident n don't go to sleep being so angry about it, its pointless to lose sleep over something so trivial as this. normally i wouldn't even bother. just memorise the verses lor, since i'm supposed to. but i want everything i do to have a meaning in it. to have purpose behind it. i totally agree that having verses memorised is akin to having scripture engraved on my heart. i just don't agree with the manner of getting people to do it. he's my cell leader, no disrespect to him, Bible says honour your leaders becos they were ordained by You.

God, correct me if You must. change my heart, make it ever true to You.

In Jesus name,
Amen.