Tuesday, January 29, 2008

had a great weekend!

you know, there's initially 2 things i wanted to blog about. first, we the sort of arguement / fight / whatever you wanna call it disagreement between joan n i on sat night over some trivial issues.. but of cos we quickly kissed n made up. and watched a movie after that too! stupid show called the sinking of Japan where the characters were so bad, the plot was so horrible, the music was so cheesy and the ending was so lame, I actually fell asleep watching the movie! i'm quite surprised cos i almost never ever fall asleep watching movies no matter how bad they are, so that show must be really really bad.. haha! it wasn't even very late, i think like only around 12+ am? anyway, i decided i won't blog about the arguement cos after thinking thru i realise its quite silly. anyway i should add one of my resolutions this year to be more trusting and loving towards Joan.. yes there may be guys who like her n stuff, but i've got to be able to trust her n also trust God that all things work together for the good of those who love Him.

so anyway, sunday was a great day cos we went to yongqiang's new house at chua chu kang to play game after service! hahaha.. service itself wasn't too bad, but honestly though its Dr A R Bernard, i felt it was a pretty ok sermon. not to say that its a bad sermon, of cos its still meaningful n good, but it isn't really something with a punch, you know what i mean? i was a little bit disappointed by the sermon honestly, and i think i know why. it was so obvious that Dr Bernard had a LOT more to say about marketplace ministry BUT due to time contraints, he was forced to condense his message, n in the end it didn't really link and pple were feeling a bit confused and lost. its really a waste cos i remember how awed i was by previous sermons from Dr A R Bernard, but this time, it was almost a casual normal sermon with no revelation(for me at least!) and no effect. its like, just expanding on the marketplace sermon by pastor Kong n the KFC guy. to be completely honest, i have already FORGOTTEN what was it e preaching was about!

not to say i was sleeping or not paying attention. i was trying to write down everything he said! i can remember it was a passage from John, and he was talking about the disciples and how they were market place pple, but i lost the whole essence of the message the moment service ended! disappointing.

then of cos, if i say that, pple will question my spiritual life. have i been praying n reading the Bible n actively seeking revelation? have i become spiritually deaf n overly cynical n cos of that, i can't receive from God? perhaps that is true... i haven't fulfilled my new year resolutions of praying n reading the Word daily. somehow just don't feel like it. like, i'd rather zonk out in front of the TV n stare blankly at whatever crap its showing, than read the Bible for a few minutes.

tonight there's a prayer meeting at riverwalk at 745 pm. i'm like, totally no eager to go at all. pple always say go expecting to receive, go with a willing attitude, go with a desire to pray and intercede for my friends, etc, yes i know all tat. i can quote scripture from the Bible, pray long n complex prayers, do all the right things. but when i have a wrong attitude, what does it matter?

i want to see my friends n family saved becos i want them to go to heaven. becos i believe that God is real and He will save those who confess n repent, and send the rest of the sinners to hell. BUT in spite of my beliefs, i don't really want to do all those spiritual things cos i don't see the value in it.


cos i see more value in relaxing n meeting my own needs. after a hard day of work, i feel i deserve some rest, some enjoyment. going out with friends, catching movies, jamming, listening to music, shopping, playing games, KTV, catching up with old friends, etc.. how about catching up with God? i don't have an answer to that. what can God say to me that will change my life? its already as mundane as it can possibly be. what dreams can God give to me now that i've fulfilled what i dreamt of many years ago? i'm afraid to find out. i'm lazy to find out. i can't be bothered n i'm selfish becos i want to pursue my own desires.

thus comes the eternal debate again. "let Your will be done" in the Lord's prayer. so to do God's will is to sacrifice my own desires n keep doing work for Him? thats wat i've been doing for the past few years. non-stop reaching out, doing things for the cell group, sacrificing my time n money n effort for His kingdom. but did i see any fruits? not really. did i see any of my friends come to Christ? nope. am i such a horribly borin person who isn't shining for God anywhere in my life? i don't even want the answer to that question cos i know it.

i'm stagnating a bit too much. there's too many conflicting things in life. like Dr Bernard said, TENSION between the flesh n the spirit. (hey i remembering) n i'm honestly too tired to fight the good fight of faith anymore.


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