Sick n Tired... Strengthen me Lord!!

dear Lord..

i really am so tired n confused n stressed out n annoyed n sad n upset n bored n sianz n so many other negative emotions.. anything but happy. i dunno.. i do enjoy spending time with joan, but today it seems a bit wrong, i don't know why.. actually yes i do know, i shouldn't have hugged her n let her kiss me, aside from that everything started out alright, with the right intentions.. i merely wanted to help her with her studies, honest..

i really have no mood to talk to anyone now not even joan.. i know she loves me alot, but she can't help me in my walk with You.. it was very sweet of her to call n apologise, but she was right.. i haven't done what You've wanted me to do. i just sort of brush it off n tell myself that i don't want to do it, cos it requires too much from me. i don't like NUS. its as simple as that. yet it is pst Kong's vision to be a total conversionist in the "marketplace" n my current market place (once i finish my NS) is the school. God help me love the pple in NUS, despite me feeling so inferior to everyone there..

yes i admit it. i feel so inferior.. being among the best in law school really makes me feel so small n weak n dumb. like at the negotiations test, i was simply speechless n couldn't find anything to say in the presence of those smart alec students! God i know You are a God of the impossible, that i can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me, i've quoted that verse a thousand times.. yet do i really apply it in my life? can You really push me thru to accomplish ALL things that i've set out to do?

God i really felt quite upset with yujie.. i really have a sorethroat n ulcer on my lips n a cut on my tongue, its difficult to talk for more than 1 or 2 sentences at a time cos its so painful.. even when i drink water, my tongue is painful. n i did say that if my sicknesses were cured i would've gone for the prayer meeting.. oh well. thurs there's another one. God if You are willing, heal me of all the sicknesses in my body n make me whole again..

which brings me to the next point.. of getting rid of all sin n purifying my body n life before You. i'm sorry for sinning against You again.. i really hate that sin n don't ever wish to fall into tat temptation ever again. i'm truly sorry Lord, forgive me.. change me, i don't want to ever be the same anymore. i want to be who You want me to be, a history maker, a planet shaker.. but how am i to do all that if i can't even move myself? sometimes all i wanna do is laze around in bed away from this broken down terrible world.. sometimes i wanna pray God take me home from this terrible place! but i can't.. cos my family n friends aren't saved yet. n even if they all are, i have not accomplished Your will in my life yet.. i don't even know what Your true will is right now. its not clear enough.. its not real enough.

Send me another vision, to really speak into my life once again, n motivate me n change me from within Lord, like no other can..Holy Spirit, i want to be with You once again, talking n enjoying each n every single day with You. being so real in my life.

My skin is terrible.. my outward looks probably as rotten as my inward spiritual condition now.. sick from all those sins.. cleanse me with the blood of Jesus i pray! wash me clean n purify my heart, let me focus totally fully n surrender my entire life over into Your holy hands right now, Jesus.. You're all that i depend on.. You mean everything to me...

i don't just want the healing.. i want the Healer.. i don't just want the financial blessings, i want the Blesser. i don't just want an idol to worship like any other religion, i want a Brother that sticks closer than a friend, i want Jesus to be proud to call me His brother.. God, i want to be found righteous to be called Your son.. not that i can be made righteous by acts of service, but only thru the mercy n grace of Jesus Christ.

God how can i ever be a line crosser for You? i play crossing over, yet am so scared to step out of my comfort zone.. i really have no idea how to carry on God. honestly. i'm just doing what i usually do with no real goal or aim or destination anymore. i started off the year really well, so on fire for You, i really wonder what happened? nevertheless, i once again declare that You are my God, n i'll live to do Your will. no fanciful lies or words will get between You and me this time. i love You Lord, with all of my heart...