ultimate sianess..

dear God..

kinda miss the old days when i could do whatever i wanted to fo without caring about anyone or anything.. yeah the brat who used his money to buy friendship, to get out of trouble, to get whatever he wanted to get.. the smart guy, with the acid tongue, sarcastic n mean, making people feel miserable n depressed if he wanted them to, insulting them to the core of their being.. the feeling of power, destroying a person's confidence in himself, mocking n laughing at inferior people, always hanging with the "happening" crowd, always seen with the right people at the right time, talked about, notorious "lady-killer"... indulging in porn, dirty jokes, socialising around, (to put it nicely) dealing in illegal stuff.. oh yes, i study the law so i know how to get around it, to break it without breaking it, to bend it to achieve my selfish purposes.. to get revenge, to enact vengence, to destroy every enemy i hate..

this is the old me.

think you know me well? i don't think so.

think you like me as a friend? not in the past.

what am i now? who am i now? am i trying to be someone whom i'm not?

Change me, I don't wanna be the same, I don't wanna feel the weight of this world
Change me, so I'll never be the same, Lord i want to see the things that You see
And all i see is You

or is has God really changed me into someone so radically different, i'm afraid i don't even know myself anymore? identity crisis, or as some call it, a mid-life crisis.. seems i'm having it a little too early?

should the question i'm asking me who am i, or who God is? by head knowledge instantly says, i should seek to know who God is, rather than be selfish and seek answers for myself. yet only when i truly know who i am, can i truly understand who God is to me...

to God, i am the apple of His eye. the prodigal son, the lost sheep, the child He loves.. God do You really see me that way? in spite of all the sins i've committed, the wrong things i've done, the wrong things that i still do even now? can the Holy Spirit ever anoint and appear in the presence of such a sinful person as me? a hypocrite, a liar, a deceiver, a hater?

help me God to find a future in You.. for a person without a future will surely go back to his past. and since i can't really go back to my past anymore, its too revolting n disgusting even to me, the only answer is either move on with God, or end my life. thats what pastor said at the 16th anniversary...

to live for God is really much more difficult than to die for God. for you only die once, then you ascend into heaven. You live each day, fight new battles everyday, face more problems the moment you open your eyes.

Lord I give my life, a living sacrifice i place at Your feet
I offer to You
For only You can satisfy my longing
Jesus You're all i desire...

Do i sing that n mean every word? do i lie to you each time i worship You? why do i feel so desperate for a Word from You? its like, i can't really fake my life, cos it doesn't feel real without You it.. it doesn't mean anything if i'm not living n walking with You.

God, make me who You want me to be. wash away my sins, erase my wretched past, make me a new creation in Christ.

In Jesus name,
Amen