Thoughts running through my head..

Dear Lord,

Its been once again a pretty long time since I last prayed. I mean, I pray when I'm with Christians or when I'm in church or cell group or when it seems like its the nice thing to do in front of others.

Like the pharisees. I'm not much better off.

Having the Holy Spirit but not speaking to Him. Having the form but not the power. Going thru the actions without really having the heart to do them.

Is that what I've become? Has working life and materialistic gain made me treaure the world more than His Word?

I still remember when I got saved, or when I came back to church after I backslided for about half a year. I think it was around my army days, about maybe 5 or or 6 years ago? I can't believe I've come so far with God. I remember playing for church zone meetings, helping out willingly at cell group, giving Bible studies, preaching sermons to the trees near my house in preparation for mission trips which I've yet to go on, worshipping God in my room till the wee hours of the night, falling under the power of God while i was ALONE in my computer room and the presence of God was so heavy and tanigble I couldn't even kneel, I had to bow my whole body in submission to the Holy Spirit? Did all these things really happen?

In 2000, Pastor Kong laid hands on me and prophesied I would be a lawyer, who would be earning at least $10K a month. And it is happening like according to what he has said. Will I be the one who will shake the foundations of society, bringing it back to principles of the Bible? It seems like a farfetched dream, wishful thinking.

What happened God? What happened to me? Where are the seeds of greatness, previously planted within my heart by You, where are the songs of joy I loved to sing to you?

Where is my salvation?

I shall not give up, like what Pst Tan preached yesterday. I will never give up searching for You, believing in You, and most of all, loving You.

Yesterday I actually had a vision. The backdoor of my life was in sight once again. You know about it, the backdoor "out" of the Christian life. Every believer has to come to a place of decision whether or not to close the backdoor. Many years ago, I decided before God, to close the backdoor. My life was to be for Christ, as much my fles yearned to fulfil its own desires, my spirit man was strong that time.

And last thurs, I began to look back towards the backdoor. Yes I had closed it but I still had access to it. I could open it up if I wanted to. Not to backslide, just to peek through it and see what my life could've been like without God. Do I really want to do that? To go back to my own selfish lifestyle, materialistic, saddistic, sarcastic, violent and all that?

Stress at work, stress from Joan, stress from my cell group, stress from so many things..

But I mentally shouted to God to barricade the door. Not just shut it, but lock it and throw away the key. Barricade it, put fences, concerete walls, solid steel bars, and all sort of things to block it out of my sight. Because I want to focus on God this year.

2008, let it be the year I start to focus on God totally once again.

In Jesus name,
Amen!