seriously i had a good day today playing LAN with simon wilson n yew kwan, n the thing that just about spoils it is the constant smsing from ivan. each sms is about asking me to call this person n that person. honestly i can't be bothered with them. if they dun wanna come for service then don't come lor. not as if the church needs their attendence. really damn du lan liao. call alrick, call huimin, do this, do that. if they dun wanna come then i can't force them to come also mah..
really quite sick of being bugged by pple for church stuff. totally missed choir prac today cos i simply didn't want to go. what a waste of time travelling all the way to expo just to test my vocal range. instead i enjoyed a nice meal with my parents. honestly i think i wanna quit choir liao. always need to go for practice, when most of the time i feel i learn nothing. not saying that i can sing very well, but then, half the choir can't sing well either. seriously, if they wanna train vocal technique, mass class isn't gonna do anything. n how many pple there have no social life? honestly some pple i met in choir do everything for the choir n have no other social life, no non-christian friends to go out with, not doing anything in the cell group, etc. sorry man, i've got a life, i've got other commitments as well. stuff i choose to do is what i choose to do, i don't like being compelled or forced to do something against my will, even if it is what i should be doing. sorry Jeff, but i was outright lying about being sick with fever, cos i went LAN gaming with my friends. how's that for being a "role model"? hahaha...
yup i lie a lot these days. i dunno why. i lie to my parents, i lie to my friends, i lie to everyone. its just more convenient than telling the truth. n what can the truth set me free from? sometimes its so much easier to lie n take the easy way out. i don't feel like coming church tml myself. the reason i'm going is purely becos of habit, n also becos if i don't go then others won't go also. i'm not going becos of God because i don't feel anything at all.
friday service about the blessings of God, i didn't feel very blessed. how can i be blessed when i am not blessed? i felt super out of place there. the fact that i was alive, was it a blessing? then isn't everyone on the earth blessed to be alive too? then what good is a blessing if it is a commonplace thing? cos i owe my very life to God. the simple answer, the reason why i'm still alive is becos Jesus died for me n my sins n He is enduring all the wrong things i do. which is supposed to be even worse than being a sinner, cos now i'm supposed to live by grace.
sorry God. i don't feel loved. threats only spur me to be more rebellious. i find i cannot accept certain things that pastor preaches anymore. am i becoming pagan minded?
i'm tired. tired of putting on a show every time i meet christians. i just wanna be myself. the more i try to control my temper the more i lose it. the more i try to act holy, the more vulgar words i use, the more frustrated i feel. cos no matter how much i try, i'm never good enough, i've not done enough, i've not given my best. its funny how i'm considered blessed enough to be saved from sin by You n yet not good enough when i'm reaching out to others. its this desperation to be loved n accepted thats pushing me away from christians. its not so difficult to bring someone to church, its more difficult getting someone to stay in church.
don't worry i'm not leaving. but i'm staying cos out of habit n obligation. not becos i'm willing n obedient. there's a difference n i'm sorry that i turned out like that, but its not You who has pissed me off, its your "leaders". i'm sure they have my best interests at heart, but somehow it isn't getting thru to me.
