Must really get back on my feet this time..

Dear Lord,

i don't know whats wrong with my com, but anyway hope nothing happens until i write finish this entry.

its been quite along time since i updated this blog. God, so many things have happened over the past few days..

i've gone back to my old bad habits again. maybe not blatently, but its seeping back. n its worse than before.. i remember Your warning in the Bible, about the once the evil spirit leaves n comes back in n finds the "temple" swept clean, it goes out n brings 7 more evil spirits back n the state of the person is worse than before... i think this is happening to me, cos i didn't guard myself well...

Forgive me this final time for this repetitive sin Lord! sometimes its difficult to control my flesh.. like what Sy Rogers said, everyday its a constant battle between the will n the flesh.. but nevertheless, i'll keep on fighting, i'll keep on trying.. Yujie says its time to stop trying n start doing.. i don't think i'm bold enough to confess tat just yet..i mean we're not superhumans, we're merely humans with adam's sinful nature in us, our flesh tends to want to sin. to me, the only thing i can do is try. try my best, then let God take control n deal with the rest.

I will repent this time, i will serve only You! As hard as it may be..

There's so much to pray for, so many things on my mind, the cell group outing, the janice thingy, the new friends, the strikeforce n choir admin, my upcoming assignments, my exams, etc!! God there's like a thousand thoughts rushing thru me right now, i'm panicking n yet trying to stay calm, i'm sinking yet i'm trying to swim ashore, i'm back sliding n my heart is really crying out "save me Lord!" i can't handle these issue on my own!

i jus want to spend time worshipping You n reading Your Word at a comfortable pace, not chiong the Bible just cos of a free gift. in fact, i'm logging off right now.

Pls come n show me Your love n Your presence when i worship You Lord!!

a short note..

Hi God i'm back!

i guess yeah.. peggy's not the girl for me.. she has a crush on another guy! hahaha, n she even said she can't wait to see him tml! i guess thats the final blow liao.. but nevermind! at least now i know for sure its not Your will for me! hahaha!

pray that tml many many more new frenz will come n get saved!

that kenneth has strength to go thru the blood donation as well!

that every single member can go his/her best to welcome the new frenz, n share the love of God with them!

but most of all, for You to show up in such a powerful tangible way, that everyone will be able to know that You are there at the SIS, to touch hearts n change lives! heal ALL the sick tml, i pray, for You are the God that heals us!

i may feel a little sad, but then again, take those silly negative thoughts n feelings away Lord, replace them with rejoicing n joy of the Lord!

In Jesus name i pray,
Amen!

Easter is coming!! Thank You Jesus!!

dear Jesus,

wow jus 1 more day till easter sunday! yeah!

Lord, there's so many souls coming for service tml n sunday, i really pray that You save each n every single one of them! let there be 3000 souls added to the church, like in the book for Acts!

Father even right now as i talk to Qinwei, help me convince him to come! i really pray u help me reach out to more friends, even as tml is already the big day, n so many cg members don't have friends to bring, i pray that even till the last min, we do not give up n keep asking n asking!

For pple like Qinwei, Dome, etc... backsliders, sinners, whoever.. let them pack the house of God this weekend!

God i pray for Janice that You be there for her in whatever problems she is facing, give her the wisdom she needs, the humility to share with her CGL n her members, cos she feels so alone n apart from the cell group.. I'll do what i can to continue to bless her n reach out to her. She is still my daugther after all. haha..

For those donating blood, i pray You give them strength. as they give their blood just like You shed Your precious blood to wash away our sins...

God i can't ever stop thanking You for what You've done for me. without You i wouldn't know what i'd be doing today! my life would totally have no meaning, i wouldn't have any direction in life, n i wouldn't have such a great family of frenz! Jesus, i pray that You not only touch the new friends' hearts tml, but also touch the hearts of all the church members, especially me! i want a freash touch from heaven, a genuine encounter with You once again!

i simply love to worship You, to serve You, its such a priviledge to serve a great God, a wonderful Saviour, to be Your best friend!!

Keep the new friends coming in Lord, into the cell group, into the church, into the whole world tml!! Your workers are ready n waiting to help bring in the harvest!

Amen!!

She will be loved... but not by me.. haha! Praise the Lord!

Dear Lord,

Well, i hope that finally clears everything up! Yeah!

Thanks God! at least i know now that the person she likes is NOT me! and that sort of comes as a relief, cos she really ought to like someone her age, and vice versa! hahaha...

God i'm sorry for all the wrong sins i've committed today.. please forgive me. i'm really trying my best to live out a Christian life, depending on You for direction, though i'm sometimes a little stubborn to obey.. ok, very stubborn at times. but i thank You for a fruitful dinner with wendy, n a good conversation with her. i pray that You will really rise up more mature members in the cell group, like wendy, joan, ryan, kevin, etc.. cos honestly God, i don't think i'm cut out to be a CGL. i can't handle small admin things, i can't counsel pple properly, i can't give a good Bible study, i can't even handle my own life well n turn to You whenever i feel tempted!

if i fail i know You're faithful n just to forgive me, but if i fail others, i'm really letting You down, as well as many other souls! God You look at the heart, You look at the effort, not the result. but for me, i feel i'm producing really lousy results! in my studies, in my ministries, in my personal life, in my walk with You.. i'm going nowhere.

but thanks for clearing up the whole issue with Peggie! i mean, yeah i'm a little disappointed that she wasn't refering to me all the time.. but well, like what sashi said, there's a big whale prepared for me in the ocean of fish, n God will only lead me to the right person if i first submit my will to His!

no point struggling n struggling on my own! let go and let God! yeah!

i still don't have any friends confirmed for easter! Lord, this is really really bad! i'm trying to reach out to my cousins n friends in law, tml i'll give kelvin n ederick the cards.. n if You want me to or lead me to, prob to liangying n serbie n noel n philip too. but i doubt they'll be bothered to come.. haiz.

i'm quite a failure at relationships in school, which is prob why i dislike sch so much.. help me gain some friends on law sch, pple i can really trust n share Christ with, rather than just superficial frenz.

n i dunno, i really do feel kind of sick in the gut. cos i know i am a little disappointed by what she told me. but better a little disappointment now, rather than a big disappointment to God by failing to achieve Your will for me!! help me fight temptation, or flee from it 7 ways! let me find joy and solace in You.

In Jesus name i pray,
Amen!!

Lovesick guy

Dear Lord,

i really dunno why i can't stop thinking bout her!

hahaha.. i know its not a funny matter, but i'm really quite amused by this whole thing.. i mean, she's like a little sister, i know that we can't ever be together, yet i still think about it.. like courting disaster, or flirting with danger.

i guess i hardly know her n vice versa so whatever i like about her is merely an outward attraction.. but its amazing the way i'll log on hoping tat she'll be online, jus so i can chat casually with her..

but honestly, aside from Strikeforce stuff, we don't really have that much in common.

n i can't picture us together at all! hahah! zero, zip, nothing.

i dunno who else i can tell, so i come to You Lord.

i guess i won't question why i feel tempted n stuff like tat, but what i can do is to ask You to help me concentrate on what's important to me!

i know i have needs that need to be met.. emotional, physical, psychological, affection, etc.. God, i pray that these needs are satisfied in You alone for now, cos i am still on vow, i don't wish to keep yearning for the forbidden fruit of a love-relationship with someone whom i know isn't right for me, at least not now.

haha jus listening to love songs jus get me in the mood liao.. i'm jus a sensitive emotional person. honestly, although pple may think thats like so not-guy, i don't really care. i'd rather be who i am, than try to be someone i'm not.

i think You know exactly how i feel n what i can do to deal with it.

Forgive me Lord for i've sinned wilfully yet again..

In Jesus name
Amen

Finally admitting that i like her... what now?

dear God,

I've already told 3 people what I shouldn't have told them n should've went straight to Yujie about.. yet up till now i still can't find the courage to tell him

But nevermind, tonight is already tues morning, there's only 4 more days till Easter! i'm really excited, i think this year's easter performance will be the best yet! i'm gonna invite lots of friends, n drag them down no matter what! hahaha...

God, i think that i really think too much! obviously the one peggie likes is not me, tats jus wishful thinking on my part. i'm letting the whole matter into Your hands, deal with me as You will! though it is rather difficult to let go n let God, i will do my best! Yujie always tell me, don't try, just do it! but it is usually easier said than done. nevertheless, You are the Lord, who health me, wow! i jus realised health can also be proounced as "heal-thed"! so thats where the word health comes from.. without healing from God, we can never be spiritually healthy! amazing...

anyway..

i pray that my family, including my brother n my relatives come for the easter performance! truly believe that when one is saved, the whole household will be saved! thank You for bringing my cousins one by one to know You!

Father i pray that many many new friends will come this weekend! i remember the dream You gave me about reaching out to all the break dancing community in Singapore, n perhaps even lead them as a CGL one day! i will not give up on that dream, unless of cos You lead me another pathway, but i think that the whole reason why i learn breaking is not just for personal satisfaction n a new skill to be acquired, but so i can "step into their boat" like what Jesus did to Peter 2000 years ago..

Lord, i remember what You did for us on that day 2000 years ago.. just thinking of it brings tears to my eyes..


And now, I know
the love that Jesus showed
When You died on the cross
And said my blood i shed for You...

Thank You Lord Jesus.. I will never ever take You for granted. I love you...

In Jesus name,
Amen!!

Great cell group! but dunno bout tml's outing...

dear Lord,

i dunno why i started to cry today when i begun telling my testimony.. after having said it, i felt really touched on the inside, but also like as if i have let You down..

God, i'm really too insensitive n careless with my words!

i've hurt mikki n yujie n possibly even kenneth with what i accidentally said, or said in an untactful manner...

forgive me, i really didn't mean to say such nonsense..

sometimes i get a bit confused.. cos on one hand things r getting better n better, in my ministries i feel i'm rising up n stepping out more, yet in other areas, i feel i'm getting worse n worse... for eg. in sharing the life of Jesus with cg members, discipling my flesh n my tongue, etc.. i really hope i'm doing the right thing for You!

Lord, i pray that tml's strikeforce outing will go smoothly, that i don't lose my temper n really enjoy myself. i didnt' really enjoy myself at the bowling event today, cos i was a bit angry with joan's attitude.

i feel like just throwing everything aside right now.

the outing may also be cancelled cos we got to go church to spray sticks.

argh!!

i can't take this roller coaster ride.. i want some stability in my life! God i dunno what else i can say or do to express my feelings.. but You know everything, You are in control.. i guess i jus have to peservere n hold on to You.

i'm very troubled tonight. i also dunno why.. perhaps seeing kenneth n mikki like that, on top of being scolded by yujie.. i enjoy serving You, i really do, but i'd much rather jus worship.

help me have the joy of the Lord, n live life to the fullest while i'm still on the earth! i'm growing weary already, yet Your Word says those who do not grow weary while doing good will receive the blessings of God.. strengthen me Lord!!

in Jesus name
Amen

i'm so confused n tired... yet i can't sleep

Dear God,

jus suddenly thought of this line from an old song.. "so tired that i couldn't even sleep.. so many secrets i couldn't keep.. promise myself i wouldn't weep... one more promise i couldn't keep.. it seems noone can help me now, i'm in too deep there's no way out... this time i have really led myself astray.."

its from a song Runaway Train. God, i can't believe it, its been 11 years since i first started listening to music intensively, i still remember my 1st music tape i bought, 100% hitz. it was in 1994 n the latest collection of songs at tat time. haha..

suddenly its 2005. and i'm going to be 23 years old in about 7 months.

time passes so fast Lord! where has all the time gone to?

sometimes i wonder if i'm doing the right things. i mean, there's still so many things i want to do, yet i'm not able to do them.

i really really pray that You will find someone for me, who will be able to help me grow closer to You, as well as provide the love n physcial touch that i really yearn for.. i dunno if its wrong to really yearn for physical touch, but for me out of the 5 love languages, i feel that touch n words of affirmation mean the most to me...

anyway right now i'm on vow.. yet seeing those images on the TV screen jus now, really makes me feel a little depressed, cos sometimes all i want is to have someone to have n to hold, n to share my life with. i know i shouldn't be thinking about such things, i should've jus switch off the TV n gone to pray.

God, i pray You help me be satisfied in Your presence!

i don't want more than doing what is good and acceptable to You.. even if its hurts now, i know that in the long run, i will reap a good harvest if i keep sowing into the relationship with You, if i keep doing wat i need to do, what You want me to do, even when i don't really understand it, when it really really feels bad n sad..

I pray for a good turn out tml at the cell group outing! that all the new frens who promised to come would come, that more frens would turn up last min, that You be with us in the midst of all the games. Help me manage the event, i am at a total lost of how to host such an event. i don't have the confidence to do it honestly.. sometimes i almost want to pray, God choose someone else, let me stay in my comfort zone n just serve You in the best that i know how..

even right now as i chat with her on msn, i feel the cuts n pain, cos i know we're both on vow, n i have no right to distract her from her relationship with You, n i do not wish to lose focus as well... help me God.

i dunno who to turn to right now. i know yujie will be so annoyed cos i keep having crushes on girls even when i made a commitment not to! i don't want to share with pple spiritually immature, as i do not wish for any of them to stumble cos of my actions... i have to log off n sleep soon, to save energy for tml's event.

but God, i pray u help me manage my feelings n emotions! let me think of the consequences of my actions!! i know the results of my actions, but i jus don't want to admit them! how childish am i.. haiz.. how can You ever use me if i jus keep staying at such a childish level?

Jesus, i feel like backsliding... whatever i do, whatever i pray, whatever i say, its never good enough for You. You are such a Holy n loving God, yet i am such a fleshly n unworthy person! always rebelling against You, against Your leaders, always trying to find ways to go "around" Your Word.. knowing that i can never outsmart God!! You who know my every thought n desire n weakness!

oh well, i guess i should pray tat Peggie doesn't come for the outing on sunday lah. i'm already preparing in my heart that she won't come liao, so i won't be too disappointed. she is so young, what on earth am i thinking?? haiz.

anyway i hope whatever i do, i will always remember to ask You for permission, You are my Lord and King, if its not in Your will i will NOT do it. Amen!!

finally going to meet up with her... but am i doing the right thing?

dear God,

even as i'm typing this, i'm fighting the temptation to do things which i know i shouldn't do, fighting the sheer physical flesh side of me, to do things which r totally sinful to You.. but nevertheless, as i take control of my flesh, i believe You will strengthen me!

Yujie shared with me the day's lecture with Sy Rogers n i think it was quite good! he addressed certain issues which were of major relevance to me..

but the main thing on my mind now is:

what the heck am i doing??

God i know that i'm on vow for another 2 years until 2007, and even after that should i even be interested in her, she'll still be only 19 years old n i'll be like, 25! thats so old! she's young enough to date my brother!

oh Lord, what am i thinking??! please help me get these ridiculous thoughts out of my head, i want to focus on whats important to You now.. i know i'm organising the SF outing simply so i can see her again.. i know its really wrong, but i pray that as the outing info spreads, that the crowd will be so large that i won't even have the chance to speak to her, so that at least i can rest at ease that my "evil" plans have been thwarted!

i'm so ashamed, i can't even tell yujie what i'm doing!

God, pls let me start to change my character, the way i do things, the thoughts i think, the attitudes i portray, the words that i speak, the manner i conduct myself, the feelings that i am trying too hard to suppress!

help me in this Lord, i can't fight this battle myself.

not my will but Yours be done. i feel so guilty over this whole outing thingy, yet i can't cancel it cos i'm already confirmed with some SF members. i really hope matured members like jennifer or irenus will be there so i can have someone to watch over me, should i get out of hand...

sometimes its tough being the one who leads... especially when i have no idea at all how to lead, no confidence in myself, no amibition to raise up in SF whatsoever. i thought it was my calling to serve in choir n in cell group ministry...

God pls tell me n help me focus on my calling.

but at the same time, draw me ever closer to You. i loved the touch of the Holy Spirit at the benny hin meeting, i believe that as long as i hunger n thirst for You even more daily, i can have such an encounter with You!

in Jesus name i pray,
Amen!