Sunday, September 30, 2007

Tired n feel like giving up...

Dear God

Thanks for a wonderful time with Joan on saturday, celebrating my birthday at the Pasta Cafe at taka basement, the food was really nice, but of cos the present i received were even better. i have no idea where Joan gets the money from, but i really really love the giver of the gifts much more than the gifts. i don't need the new hp or the photo album, the song which she recorded and sang to me would've been enough for the best birthday present ever.

Yet other not so nice things have happened. I'm really quite sick of repeating myself n having to explain my situation. Or rather, i don't even have the chance to.

God, i really don't want to argue or make excuses for my behaviour, but the fact is that sometimes i'm busy and its not that i don't want to make time for spiritual things. If i really don't care about spiritual things, i won't bother about praying, or going for Bible study, or talking to You and doing my best to reach out and encourage my cg members, even when i'm feeling like shit myself.

You know i'm really busy this month becos my tuition kids are all having O levels soon. And you've given my this talent to teach n this passion to make sure that every young student i encounter is able to make it for the exams. im' giving tuition to Joey, Shihui, Tessa, Shaun and Yihuei. And what is my purpose? Is it to get lots of money so i can splurge it on myself? Come on, if i really wanted to do it for the money, i would've gotten much better paying jobs. the money i get is peanuts. i charge like maybe only 50-75% of the market rate for O level tuition. I even give free tuition to Hensa n other church friends who ask for it.

So naturally, i'm a little bit busy.

Am i making excuses for not being about to go for prayer meetings and helpers meetings and whatever other meetings? You be the judge of that. I've already said too much to Joan and tried to explain things to my cgl, but at the end of the day, its Your opinion that matters. yes i know i am human, i get upset when i get scolding especially when i don't think its my fault, when i feel i'm getting scolding for a misunderstanding.

But i'm not giving tuition for selfish ambition or for money or to make myself feel good or whatever. i'm giving tuition to help these kids through their exams. they may or may not be Christians, but the Bible says to help the needy right? what's the cultural mandate? to be salt n light in the marketplace, to be an influence right? i'm giving my time n effort to these kids becos i want to help them, and hopefully be able to open their hearts to me as i help them so that i may share Christ with them. Is there anything wrong with that?

People don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care. Another one of Pastor Kong's evangelism 101 principles.

I've tried my best already Lord but it seems my best is not good enough, and will never be good enough.

I really felt like crying You know? when she said that, i just don't care about the cell group matters, i don't even make an effort to turn up for helpers meetings, or prayer meetings, that if that's the case why should i be a helper?

You answer that question for me. I no longer want to explain myself. Its useless if pple don't want to see what situations i'm in, and just tell me to stop making excuses.

definition of "excuse"
• verb /ikskyooz/ 1 seek or serve to justify (a fault or offence). 2 release from a duty or requirement. 3 forgive (a fault or a person committing one). 4 (used in polite formulas) allow (someone) to leave a room or gathering. 5 (excuse oneself) say politely that one is leaving.
• noun /ikskyooss/ 1 a defence or justification of a fault or offence. 2 something said to conceal the real reason for an action. 3 (an excuse for) informal a poor or inadequate example of

I'm not trying to conceal any hidden reason, i'm not asking for release for any duty or trying to avoid a fault or offence. I'm just trying to explain why i was not there when I should have been, granted that I would love to go if i were able to free myself up for it.

For my birthday this year, i'm celebrating with my law friends, my old cell group members, and my ex-JC classmates. I don't even want to bother celebrating with my own cg members anymore becos i don't want to get scolded for making them stay out late. Since i have no manhood and can't be bothered to be super nice and make sure all the girls who stay out late go home, i have no right to ask them to go out right? Therefore i'd rather go out with my Strikeforce friends, my clubbing friends, my girlfriend... at least with them i don't have to feel i'm under scrutiny or anything.

For the past 7 years of being a Christian, honestly i never felt so condemned and discouraged by any leader before. I'm not just saying this, You know how previous leaders have reprimanded be on wrong relationships until they're practically shouting at me in public, how leaders have banged the table at me when i'm stubborn sometimes, and all the other leaders who have discipled me.. But i always feel accepted by them, at the end of the day, its becos they love me and they want to help me change. But now, i just feel pressured and pushed to perform, to work, to conform and to change instantaneously, according to a subjective viewpoint.

I'm not perfect, I'll admit my faults, but there are reasons behind the way i do things. I'm not an idiot or a kid anymore.

God, i'm really going to give this week one last shot, and do my best, if things don't work out, then too bad then. i'm not cut out to be a cg helper, by all means remove me and put someone else better suited to the job. i don't really think this position is something so great that i'll die without it. its an honour to have served You these past 6 years as a helper, i've been through so much, brought in so many friends and helped many cell groups to grow and multiply, and You've been the source of my strength, never the glory.

in Jesus name
Amen

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Things are looking better =)

Dear Lord,

Thanks for the great lunch meeting with my favourite leader, Yujie! Though he may not be a CGL anymore, he's still one inspirational guy, who has really seen me through a lot of things in my life. His advice is, as ever, simple and yet convicting. God i really need such friends around me who are able to teach me many things about growing up, i really have idea entering the working world and adulthood can be so complicated.

Also, thanks for Joan's understanding and willingness to change. Despite all the bad temper and other various faults I have, she patiently puts up with me, even though sometimes i'm unreasonable and expect things to be done my way almost all the time. i really do need to learn how to love her and encourage her more! Lord, let me be a good partner who is able to lead her and bring both of our spiritual lives back on track! Even as she copes with the CGL issues, Lord teach her the right words to say and the right attitudes of a disciple. I guess one thing i influenced her in a very negative way is to be rebellious and think more for herself.. Sorry Lord, i never meant for that to happen, but in the past she used to care too much about others, n didn't love herself at all. Whereas I care too much about myself and love others only a little.. Help us strike a balance!

Also want to say that everything i've written the past few days is purely out of anger and frustration and emotion, and nothing i write or say really shows You how i really am. You know that deep inside, no matter how angry or pissed off i am, i will always try my best to honour You and in turn, honour Your chosen leaders, even if i disagree with them. obedience is better than sacrifice, or so the Bible says. I want to obey You and learn to discipline my flesh through tough discipleship! God, let me have the courage to admit my mistakes, the humbleness and brokeness that You look for.. take away my pride and ego, leave it empty so it can be filled with the Holy Spirit!

In Jesus name,
Amen!!

Saturday, September 22, 2007

I'm trying my best to cope..

Dear God,

I'm really not in a good mood right now so I really don't know what else I can say.

I'm tired of getting scolding. I already told my cg member last night, one more time I get scolding for no apparent reason, I'm gonna quit being a cg helper. God help me, i really think I cannot take it anymore.

Not that i'm so fragile n weak n easily discouraged. More like I don't think its right for someone to scold me without giving me a chance to explain myself. And over such a small issue too! Whatever happened to decent civil mediation methods?

Granted, I was at fault for not informing my CGL that I was rushing up to my aunt's house to return the bowls and containers. But anyone could have told her that, I don't always have to be the one telling her everything.

Granted, we left in a hurry without making sure that everyone was "Safe" and that the whole cg was ready to go. But not as if there were no other guys around, Mark, Yorkbing, Hensa, Alex, JJ were all still there. If they don't show manhood and take responsibility for the cg, then its not my fault is it? They're guys and part of the cell group too.

Anyway its not as if we ran off cos we were eager to get home before missing the last MRT train or something. Yes, last time we made that mistake and ran off when we realised it was late, I already learnt my mistake. But this time its different, we were just going to return the things that we borrowed. And i couldn't take the things myself and carry all of the stuff, so I asked whoever is free to help me, while the rest can make their way to the MRT station and go off first. Anyway the girls walk so slowly, we can catch up with them easily.

Is there anything intrinsically wrong with that?

It took us about, what, at most 5 minutes to go up, put the things in the kitchen and come back down?

I really think its ridiculous to make such a big deal out of it. What, in 5 minutes all the cell group pple are going to be kidnapped and go missing because a few guys were not around? Please lah.

I'm truely sick and tired of getting scolding for nothing. God, if this is the kind of thing I have to accept then I quit.

I know its a privilege to serve as a helper in the cell group. Sometimes i take it for granted, but i always try to make an effort to contribute in some way or other. Even if i'm not a helper doesn't mean i won't serve actively in the cell group. I mean, its just another status, if every member is important then being a helper or not being one doesn't really matter.

All i can say is, since i got saved in 1999 Easter, i've always tried my best to live my life for You. I backslided some time in 2000 because of BGR gone wrong, but that was not because I stopped loving You or didn't believe in You anymore.

In fact, when I came back to church, I served even more actively, my passion for You was rekindled again in such a different way. I loved You so much, I spent hours worshipping, studying the Bible. I love Bible study, and I still do, although now I spend more time doing the reading myself rather than get actual lessons from people. I love how things in the Bible can make sense even in today's world, that the principles of the Bible really stand the test of time and culture. I served the best I could, tried everything from choir to drama to cell group helper to children church worker, everywhere where there was a need I tried to meet it.

Isn't that the motto of the church for evangelism? Find a hurt and heal it, find a need and meet it. I liked meeting needs of pple, be it spiritual or emotional or financial needs, and up till today I still do. God, when I needed to do it, You provided whatever I needed. be it money or time or strength, I could do it with You.


My birthday is coming, October 5th. of cos You know, i always like to celebrate my birthday in style, to be with my friends, take lots of photos and have a heck of a wild fun party. Just look at the number of pple at my 21st birthday, prob close to 100?

I wanted to have a party this year too, but then again, everyone's too busy now. at my age, i guess most pple are working or busy with their spouses or girlfriends, or whatnot. i asked for a simple dinner with my old cg friends. of the 10+ pple i sms, only 2 replied within an hour, 2 more replied the next day, and the rest didn't reply. i wanted to have an event like xiangling's party, where the whole cg can come n enjoy n bring friends, but after tonight's event n the scolding? Why put myself thru another round of scoldings?

Yongqiang also complained to me. For his wedding invitation he sms his friends about 3-4 times before many of them replied. I mean, what is this? A bo chup attitude for a friend's wedding?? I mean I helped him sms a few of the ex-cg members whom he wanted to invite. I specifically wrote in the sms "pls reply to Yongqiang at 90055715 if you are going or not" and they still sms me instead. It just goes to show that pple don't even bother reading the whole sms. I won't bother inviting such pple to my wedding.

And speaking of which, the problems Joan and I are having its becoming a little intolerable for me. Mentioning break up about 3 times this week, isn't really helping my nerves. God i'm really quite confused.. doesn't she understand the meaning of a relationship is that we work things out if we encounter a problem, and not run away from it? Breaking up is just another way of running from the problem instead of facing it. and she keeps so many things from me, cos she says she doesn't want to burden me with her sch problems. More likely than not, she just doesn't want to listen to the advice that I can give. She prefers to wait until her sch tutor or someone else comes n tells her the same thing, and then she listens to them. What am I, chopped liver? (Hahaa, that phrase comes from a Garfield comic).

God i really don't know how to handle so many issues all at once. I'm really trying my best to tackle them, but You got to help me, give me some revelation on what I can do, to take things one step at a time. I don't want to end up in the Mental Hospital any time in this lifetime!

At the same time, i realised that thru out this trying period, there are still friends around me, and I really thank You for them. Pple like carol n michelle who are genuinely concerned for me and try to talk to me when i'm down, pple like wilson and huihua and christina.. even my friend from holland, mr lewis ho actually offered to call me and talk about my problems, but i said its ok, msn chatting is sufficient. that's the kind of friend that touches my heart, thats the kind of friend that the Bible describes, who goes all out, to turn the other cheek, to give the coat and tunic, to go two miles with the person in need.

I need You more than ever Lord, not just to be the provider of my solutions, but to give me a vision for what I am doing with my life. You're not just my Saviour or Jehovah Jireh, you're Elohim. Show me a greater meaning, a greater purpose, a greater reason for me to go through what I'm going thru without giving up.

In Jesus name,
Amen

Friday, September 21, 2007

My list of complaints

Dear God

I'm not who I am anymore, I'm not who I used to be, I'll never be who You want me to be.

I'm hanging by a thread, about to snap at any moment. People who pressure me, scold me, make me do things which they think is right. Girlfriend who constantly faces so much problems in her life that it overflows into my world, who constantly mentions the b word to keep to keep me on my toes, who never seems to be able to understand the commitment I made, who doesn't understand what are the simple things which I expect from her is just to be able to rejoice with me in my victories.

Have I considered leaving church becos of such circumstances, becos of such pple?

Honestly, yes.

God i really wonder who are my true friends. My law friends who aren't even Christian call me and ask me out and chat with me about the problems in life that I'm facing, whereas some pple don't even know what I'm going through. Of cos it may be that I'm wearing this fake smile all the time, cos I don't wish to burden other pple with my problems, or they might not even understand me at all and end up making me even more frustrated.

Thank God i'm meeting Yujie for lunch tml. Perhaps he'll be able to help me pin point the problems in my life.

Do I pray? Do I read the Bible? God am I not even praying while I'm blogging? And I not reading the Bible when I read it online? When has it been that prayer has to be made with audible words? As long as its confession from the heart and outpouring of sincere thoughts and frustrations, in an aim to seek God for solutions, isn't it same the same as an audible prayer?

Doesn't pastor Kong say that the message is sacred but the methods are not? That prayer and worship may be different thru out the ages, but it is still the same God we're praying and worshipping?

One of my old friends recently left church. Why?

She went thru SOT. She has been helping out in the cell group while we were in the same cg. She has been very good at reaching out to friends and very friendly and nice person. And she tells me she still loves God. Then why leave church? The answer is obvious isn't it. Its not God that giving her problems.

Lord i know i probably am rattling off in frustration and when i cool down i'll be able to see things in a different light. But at this moment i really really feel like giving up on everything and just pack up and go.

The only reasons why I don't leave is because I know You are here with me, You will somehow provide solutions for my problems, that You are there for me even if the world seems to be against me, even if people don't understand my effort and my struggles, You do. And also becos of the pple i know will stumble if i leave. For You and for them.

Can i expect pple to have the same standard as me? to be able to be happy for my friends, to rejoice with them in victories, cry with them in their defeats, encourage them in their problems? Obviously the world says "no you can't expect them to live up to your ideals. they have their own opinions and their own way of dealing with things."

Didn't the Bible say not to conform to the things of the world? that we should all bear the fruits of the spirit, to be able to be a good friend as stated in Galations, lifting and esteeming others above oneself? So am i reading the same Bible as other pple? Or am i interpreting it in my own way and blaspheming against You?

The last time i vented my frustrations on my blog i got a scolding from a CGL and a talk from my ministry leader, so I decided to change the address n make it a secret. Lord, this blog is meant to be between You and me, if other pple want to read it, they should respect that and save their opinions for themselves.

Yes i know i'm not perfect, i know i've got areas i need to change. You constantly remind me of those things. but You do it in love, with patience, with long suffering and somehow, when You tell me things, i will be compelled to listen n to take action, not having it forced upon me.

God i'm sorry i've not been able to live up to the standards of morality and righteousness which is written in the Bible. I've got problem fulfilling the 10 commandments as it is! But it doesn't matter as long as I try right? Its not as if i'm not trying, i am, even if pple don't believe me. I know what I'm doing, who else knows except You?

The Bible says pray in secret and you will be rewarded in the open. Perhaps I stil have not prayed in secret by writing things down on this blog?

Lord in a few hours i'm going for cell group, having outreach event, and they are going to be new friends there, so pls prepare me for the events, wipe these problems off my mind, let me deal with them later, so i can really concentrate on whats important first - the souls of other pple. To put others before oneself, esteem others above me. In Galations. The verses tat my very first CGL shared with me on a personal bible study stick with me till this day.

Thank You for real friends in my life, pple who can help me grow in maturity and offer solutions to my problems, who draw me closer to You instead of pushing me away from You.

In Jesus name,
Amen

Hanging by a thread.. falling into the black

Falling Inside The Black

Tonight I'm so alone
This sorrow takes ahold
Don't leave me here so cold(Never want to be so cold)

Your touch used to be so kind
Your touch used to give me life
I've waited all this time, I've wasted so much time

Don't leave me alone
Cause I barely see at all
Don't leave me alone, I'm

Falling in the black
Slipping through the cracks
Falling to the depths can I ever go back
Dreaming of the way it used to be
Can you hear me
Falling in the black
Slipping through the cracks
Falling to the depths can I ever go back
Falling inside the black
Falling inside falling inside the black

You were my source of strength
I've traded everything
That I love for this one thing(Stranded in the offering)

Don't leave me here like this
Can't hear me scream from the abyss
And now i wish for you my desire

Don't leave me alone
Cause I barely see at all
Don't leave me alone, I'm

Falling in the black
Slipping through the cracks
Falling to the depths can I ever go back
Dreaming of the way it used to be
Can you hear me
Falling in the
through the cracks
Falling to the depths can I ever go back
Falling inside the BLACK

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Wow, been a whole month since i blogged..

Dear God,

Its been a long time since I last blogged here! Nevertheless, its been a good month. more or less. Thank You for the many blessings, financial blessings, friendships, good classmates, cg members, and so many other things to thank You for, not forgetting the PSP, the new games daryl sent me, the new animae VCDs and downloaded movies, everything is really going nicely for me. School has been quite a drag, but i can't say i want to complain about it becos its as good as its ever going to get! Honestly the time table is quite slack n i don't really worry about sch that much, cos i don't bother too much. Its pretty much a waste of time anyway, i can't wait to start work asap and start earning the big bucks..

But anyway just wanted to say that the cell group msg was so timely! I can't ignore it any longer, Val's sms, the way i treat my cg members, the alarms ringing in my head, the way i behave at bible studies, the way i treat the bible and church leaders, my approach to handling new friends and cg members who are not so familiar to me.. I'm simply being quite bo chup about all this.

Its like i couldn't care less about pple that don't care about me, instead of being an initiator i become part of the crowd, waiting for others to make the first moves in caring n loving pple. maybe its time i stop looking at me n my own world n look at the real world, and get into other people's worlds!

After all, You did say to go into all the world n make disciples.. i wonder if the world meant the physical earth-world, or the worlds we all have in our minds?

Personally i think i've been ignoring the pple in the cg n cannot be bothered to really impact their lives, i'm so different from what i was in the past.. i guess i really need a strong relationship with You before i can even talk about loving other pple!

The reason why i was so loving n caring n be truly concerned for each n every single member of the cell group was probably becos i was plugged into the everlasting eternally powerful source of the universe - You! You gave me endless strength to do what i needed to do, as long as my heart was right before You. showing love n being involved in cg members' lives was what i did best, i wrote cards, sent smses, sent emails, bought random gifts, just to encourage my members... but i don't do this anymore, i don't even do it for the past 1 year. i guess my capacity for love isn't very large, once Joan got into the picture, i spend more time n effort to shower her with love n blessings.. but that really isn't an excuse.

honestly i was pretty shocked this wednesday nite when Joan told me that she liked a guy. in the middle of bible study, all of a sudden she just said that lah! n furthermore after a long series of sms in which she asked me suspicious questions n also at the dinner before bs, she asked if i would still love her if she liked another guy, and what would my reaction be. honestly i don't know what i'd do if that ever happened, but of cos i try to act all confident n say i don't really care cos i'm better than any guy that she will know, haha. but honestly when she said that sentence of liking some guy, my heart literally broke. i was like, stunned for a few minutes n i felt like the world seemed to throb with noise n the air was difficult to breathe. i actually cried in the classroom in the middle of the bible study, i can't believe i'm so emotional! but honestly it was the biggest shock n upsetting statement i'd ever heard for a long time, not since i found out i failed one of my modules 1 or 2 years ago. Of cos later she clarified she meant she liked him as a friend, becos some of her classmates are quite mean to her, but this guy was nice, so she didn't mean that she liked him in the BGR way, but it was too late, the damage was done, i was deeply hurt n shaken from what she said. i mean, we've been together for only 3 months and already she said her heart has wondered away from me? honestly i was very bitterly disappointed n angry besides heartbroken, even if that was not what she intended at all. she just wanted to tell me of this nice classmate but it came out all wrong n i interpreted it in a totally wrong manner! God, how my heart hurt, it hurt so much i wanted to just stand up n leave the class n just stomp out.. but thank God i didn't. she explained to me she didn't mean she liked another guy and she loves me but the words had already been said, the effect could not be negated.

I'm sorry Lord but i've been hurt before, and i don't ever wish to be hurt like that ever again. She's made me lose trust in her, even if she didn't intend for it to be that way.. but when she said those words, its like somehow it was like knives stabbing into my heart, n a part of me nearly died. i can't take the pain of losing someone ever again.. God please help me trust her n love her more, its tough for me to trust her with my heart after what she said...

some thoughts flashed thru my mind. if Joan left me, what would i do? leave church? no. probably not. but i'll probably slip into depression for a while, n need a long time to recover. i still remember it took me more than 6 months to get over my previous breakup. i'm still a bit shaken by what Joan said, i pray that You help me get over it.

its been a crazy week, i've got assignments to hand up, things to do, and i'm tired.

had a really fun time though, with millie yanqin melissa n their friends at KTV the other day! though it was freaking expensive $35 per person, we had a lot of fun, and its been super long time since i last went KTV with friends! God, its as if i had a trip back to JC days when we would go crazy n scream n laugh at each other, when having fun was really about having fun, and not for some purpose or other. i didn't really drink much cos i was driving, but i guess the vodka did its job n made us all sufficiently "high"! hahaha.. some guys ask me, where do all the nice girls go in Singapore? i think to myself, most of the girls i know are pretty nice, i wonder whats wrong with the guys?? hahaha.. God i guess i tend to see the goodness n niceness n potential of people, regardless if they are christian or not. Val spoke about being an encourager, well, millie n her friends really helped me destress from all the problems in my life, they encouraged me by singing KTV with me, doing what i like to do! n at the end of the day, it is surprising that encouragement i get doesn't come from my cg members, but from strikeforce members, or even friends who are not even christians.

I guess i need to sleep soon, i'll continue blogging another time,

In Jesus name,
Amen