sad story.. bored with tons of work to do... help!!

dear God,

just found out last night that jessie is attached, for how long i don't really know n don't really care either. actually i wonder if i would've bought her a birthday present if i had known that she was already attached? haha probably wouldn't have bothered.

i jus got peggy's hp number today.

i know its not right for me to keep chasing girls n stuff since i know jolly well that You want me to learn to be disciplined in thie area of my life, but sometimes i jus feel so... i don't even know how to describe it. lonely? bored? insecure? perhaps a combination of these?

i mean yeah, church is great, serving You is great, but still i yearn to find more purpose in what i do. especially in school! i don't really like what i'm studying. i don't have many friends in law school cos i don't like to befriend superficial pple. i can't tell who is a real friend n who is a superficial person cos everyone is such a good actor (i.e. hypocrite) in law school, with their english accents n meaningless conversations about their own lives.. i mean there are nice pple no doubt, but how real are they? sometimes i see their smile n i feel that there's something else behind it. maybe i'm just being overly sensitive.

but honestly i can't wait to get out of law school. this place sucks.

I'd much rather be a full time servant for You. there's so much i can do, i'd rather be out there slogging it out in the mission fields than facing such such annoying wannabes.

then again i want to do things my way. i always force myself to accept to do Your will, to learn obedience, yet my flesh n my mind always wants to do other things. tml is the nite i will attend Pst Ulf's seminar. i really pray for him to bring a break thru Word to me thru his preaching. God,i really want to find my purpose, my meaning in You once again. but for now, all i know is that i'm going round n round. maybe even left on the shelf. i don't know Your will for me anymore.

God i'm sorry for the sins i've done. its jus so frustrating sometimes, not being able to have someone to hold, someone to cry to, someone who loves you with every innocent and true and sweet love. i guess the longing for a relationship has caused me to do funny things.. to sin against You,to long for temporal pleasures instead of doing Your eternal work.

it seems that this year my motivation has changed from "I want to do Your will" to "I want to have as much fun as possible before i serve You totally".

can i ever have fun and serve You? i know i can fund fulfilment in serving You, but fulfilment is still different from fun. happiness, joy, not caring or worrying about something at the back of my mind.

these days i can't concentrate on anything. i keep thinking about my homework, or about the cell group, or about evangelistic events, or about which girl i currently have a crush on, about what is it You want me to do... but strangely i hardly ever think of You. of jus talking n spending time worshipping You...

perhaps this is my biggest mistake. having drawn closer to the world, but further from You.

I'm sorry Lord, forgive me. i really want to know You more. not just in my spare time, but in the best n most productive times of my life.

Like that song says..

Here i am to worship
Here I am to bow down
Here i am to say that You're my God
You're altogether worthy
Altogether lovely
Altpgether wonderful to me

Let me know You more n more Lord God.

In Jesus name,
Amen

gonna make it short n sweet, got sch tml! argh..

dear Lord,

today was another bad day, in the sense that i really did nothing productive aside from the strikeforce practice, i practically spent half the day sleeping, pontang school and play internet n computer games the whole afternoon, aside from tuition! i don't know why but every monday it seems so difficult to get myself going, i always miss monday lesson without any reason! God i really need to break out of this bad habit!

but before i go on n on, first n foremost, i would like to say i'm sorry once again, for committing the grossest sin ever.. i'm even too ashamed to write it down here. but You know tat i am totally full of regret n anger at why i am still committing such acts at such a critical stage.. when my life is at a turning point, when the destiny that You have for me is just merely within my grasp, i have to turn You away n grieve the Holy Spirit by committing stupid acts like those, thinking wrong thoughts out of the blue! i don't understand why something i read years ago still comes back suddenly to haunt me in the middle of the night. Father i pray taht You erase all the sinful memories n evil thoughts from my life before i was saved, all the perverse thoughts n things that i did, i want to bury my past n look toward the future which You have planned for me! i believe i was created by You for greater purposes than simply to please my flesh, i don't ever want to live a sinful mediocre boring life! i don't want to do things that satisfy just me, i want to do the things that satisfy You! forgive me Lord, i know You will but i want You to know that i truly want to repent. i will keep repenting n trying to improve myself, to make the right decisions in life, to abide in Your presence always, to rely on the Holy Spirit rather than to rely on my own limited wisdom n strength..

This chinese new year, Father i pray that You help me to really impact my relatives n bring them the love of Christ, show them how much You have changed me, how much they need to know You. i don't know how all this is going to happen, but i just pray trusting You will give me ideas n solutions on how to solve ppple's preoblems. esp my younger cousins, Father i pray You use me to speak to them on a much deeper level than any of the other relatives, even prophesy into their lives if it is Your will to do so. N i also pray that i keep myself from sins during the Chinese New Year, that i will still pray n go my QT n worship You no matter how tired i am.

Thank You Lord for hearing my prayers, i feel so relieved n cleansed by the blood of Jesus.. i don't ever want to take You for granted again. i want to know You as my friend, as my saviour, as my king, as my teacher, as my ultimate discipler. Thanks so much for all you've given to me. i will bless Your Holy name forever!

In Jesus name i pray,
AMen!!

what a powerful sermon.. thanks for bringing my visions to rememberance!

dear Heavenly Father,

truly hallowed be Your name! today's sermon really touched me in such a deep way Lord, i wept n wept for the 1st time standing on stage with the choir, in 2005! truly i have taken You for granted, I have lost the precious presence of God around me, tats why i feel so dry when i do certain things, is simply becos God, You are not happy with the way i treat you..

and for all tat i'm here to say i'm sorry.

i really want to say i'm so sorry for treating You too casually, coming to You only when i'm in sin n trouble, ignoring You whenever i'm having fun, forgetting Your will n doing what i like instead.. i'm so sorry Lord. i know now that i really need to reverence You in all that I do, if not everything that i do is useless. without the anointing n presence of God, all that i do will not have any meaning at all! i want to love You n trust You again, even if pple call it blind faith. whats so wrong about blind faith in a God that sees all?? i'd rather have strong blind faith in You than in any other thing in the world!

Father God, i'm sorry for all the wrong words n thoughts that went thru my mind today. its a sabbath day, n yet i'm still cursing n making crude remarks, forgive me. i want to say only edifying words that build pple up n glorify Your name. oh Jesus, please let me spend some time with Jiaqi to say the sinner's prayer with her.. i really wish for her to get saved before she goes back to Aussie, i feel that now is really the Cairos timing.

I'm going to worship n pray in my bedroom now, i'm writing all this down as a prayer n also as a testimony to myself, to remind myself that no matter what, You are always in my heart n my mind, You are always going to be the sole focus of my life.. i pray that even if one day i backslide, i shall look back on this blog n remember all the things You've done for me, n i'll remember what You did on the cross 2000 years ago.. given up all for me, Your life, Your wealth, Your health, everything Lord Jesus.. You gave it all for me.

Thank You Lord for erverything. i really want to worship You n honour You everyday of my life, not wasting a single moment without Your presence surrounding me.

I pray all this in Jesus name,
Amen!

CG BBQ was simply great!

hi God!

thank You so much for such a great time at the BBQ! usually when i'm the host, i'm worrying about so many things, like whether there is enough food, whether the frenz are comfortable, whether the music is good, etc, but today clarence is the host, n i must say i'm really glad to be able to "relax" much more! thanks for the chance to really have a great time of fellowship with my members n new friends as well, n to really reach out to many new frenz!

of cos i hardly know some of them, gonna take some time to get them to know us as real friends, n then invite them to come for service, but really at least a door is opened for us!

but also, wanna pray for those pple who are not doing so well, firstly for wendy.. though she's feeling better as she claims, i really pray that she will learn to really put God's kingdom ahead of her own will, cos if God is not the Lord of all, then You're not our Lord at all! it seems that she is still not really willing to sacrifice her fleshly desires n be more involved in cell group, despite getting her prayer life back on track. yet of cos that's a very good sign, n i pray that in time she will really be a very on fire Christian n evangelistic strong child of God! i also pray for Agnes, Lord she is one of my fruits, i pray that she really start to stand up for You in her problems n situations, that she will really learn to glorify You in her family, n to put You first in her life.. aside from all the PO n other reasons, i really pray that You put Your favour around her always, n let her life be so blessed that she will be able to come for cell group n service everyweek, n be able to serve in the choir someday.. i know it is in her heart to become a singer, i pray that she directs her talents for Your will, n not just enrich herself for her own purposes, but to really abide in Your presence, seeking the treasures tat You hold in secret for those who r willing to serve You!

i know that i've been a really bad testimony for You this past 2 weeks, skipping sch, looking at porn again, scolding some vulgar words in my mind, n all those nonsense.. been thru some valleys this past week God, esp mon n tues.. but thank God that things turned for the better midweek! truly You are a good God, who will never give us something that we cannot handle, You will, actually You have given us the victory over all our struggles n tribulations! i must keep meditating on that encouraging verses! i can break free from old bondages, as long as i focus on You every single night! God i really want to pray every single day n night n every moment that i have alone, i commit it into Your hands! i pray that Your presence really be with me wherever i go, that You anoint me to do whatever tasks You have planned for me in this upcoming week!

once again i've gone much off point, but i really pray that all the new frens who came for the BBQ today really enjoyed themselves, but more than that, that one day each n every single one of them will come to church n get saved! of cos we all start small, but You said never to despise small beginnings, so i really pray that as the small seeds of God's love are planted in these pple's hearts, the ground will be fertile ground, so the seed will grow n grow as we continue to water n feed them with the love n Word of God, thru our actions n prayers! for pple like swee keng, qinwei, christine, andy even though i'm not really his friend.. we still love them nonetheless, n i pray for their hearts to keep getting softer towards God! especially for jiaqi, who is leavinng for australia so soon!

Father, i really pray whether is it in Your will that i say the sinner's prayer with her before she goes off to Aussie? i don't think it is really Your will,cos its something that i personally want to do, but if its just a personal agenda, then i wouldn't want to do it! but God i really did feel Your presence there at the macdonalds when i cycled with her at friday.. i almost wanted to say the sinner's prayer with her! God, pls give me a second chance, n i pray that i will not miss it! i will do whatever it takes to get her saved, cos i dunno, why i really love her a lot as a sister in Christ already, eventhough she isn't even a christian yet. let me lead her to Christ this coming week!!

God there's so much to do done, so many pple to bring salvation to!! don't ever let me lose focus of that, don't ever let me get too comfortable with where i am, cos there is such a big world out there with millions of pple who have yet to receive Jesus Christ into their lives! God i'm ready for Your harvest, please send me! i have been preparing for years n years, its time for me to be launched into the missions field, starting with my family, my school n my cell group! so many young pple who need You, so many young pple with no direction in life.. Father it is Your will that not a single one of them should perish, n i love them all so much as well with the love of God, i pray u help me disciple my cell groupe members n in turn they will disciple others n reach out to more pple!

its been such a long time since i've really had time to spend with You, since i've been willing to pen down my prayers! Lord i pray You keep me n guide me in everything that i do! i don't ever want to waste my time doing idle things ever again! though it will be difficult, i foresee many bad days for me this year, i will press on n perservere for You Jesus! becos i simply love You so much, i want to love You even more, i want to feel Your presence surround me everyday...

thanks Lord! looking fwd to great weekend with You!

In Jesus name i pray,
Amen!!

what a great day! Gospel Movement Crew!

dear God!

it really is quite rare to see me post 2 times in a day, but today has really been quite a fun day! at least for myself. hahaha...

thanks for enabling me to finish my first stack of notes! n at the same time being able to help Joan with her maths.. though i think i might have forgotten most of it liao since it has been years since i last touched A level maths!

nevertheless, i'm so happy i managed to do a 3 sec handstand today! gonna keep practicing until i can at least do a short routine! wanna be the best that i can be, even if its just for fun, i think if i wanna be a breaker in a crew, i really gotta improve to be able to hold my own weight.. of cos i'm not trying to prove anything to myself, but merely to do what i think i am capable of doing, to prove that God will n can do all things thru me! i'm not proving to myself what i can do by my own strength, but what can God do thru a willing person!

but of cos, i really need to learn to balance my studies with ministries n my hobbies.. it seems i get so distracted n lazy easily.. tml i will go to sch! give me the will power to stand by my decisions Lord! downloading some clips from a breaking site.. God i really don't know why i'm doing this, is it really cos its Your will so i can reach out to more breakers?? i don't know, i really got to pray more about this cos i'm really going deep into it if thats Your calling for me.. but honestly i don't really think so, cos i'm like, so old already, i can't really learn as fast as the younger ones..

thanks for all You've done for me today.. i really want to live a pure n holy life for You.. so help me God,

In Jesus name I pray
Amen!