So help me God, to be a good lawyer

Got called to the bar this morning. Boring experience, nothing really outstanding about it, but good thing was getting to meet up and catch up with some friends, take a few photos, n that's about it.

Really wish I could have a 2 week break, 1 week will fly by super fast and the next thing I know, I'll be right in the thick of piles of work, I can already sense the apprehension of going to work when I haven't even begun my holiday proper.

Not a good sign.

To be honest, I think I'm living a pretty good life compared to most of my lawyer friends. They go home at like, what, 8-10 pm every night, while I usually leave at about 7-7.30 pm or latest at 8 pm. I've pretty much got the freedom to do what I want, I've got my own room and a nice view. I've got a pretty good boss, though a little eccentric at times. I'm getting paid a decent salary compared to my peers in the big firms.

So what exactly am I unhappy about?

Perhaps the fact that I don't really have friends in the firm? That I have to work through lunch everyday and can't have lunch with friends? But that's expected, work is work. The fastest I finish my stuff, the earlier I get to go off at night. So I can meet up with Joan, watch movies, go for strikeforce gigs, chill out with friends, go lan gaming, or just have a life.

Honestly, working life is pretty routine. Of cos every piece of work is different n I learn new things everyday, but I don't really feel like I want to do this for the rest of my life. I really wonder how long will I take to really get a good grasp of my job? 3 years? 4? Really no idea.

And the SF camp got me thinking, how long more can I be a player in the SF gigs? I'm getting old, whether I want to acknowledge it or not. I'm going to be 26 this year, more than a quarter century old. Can I still be playing drums and shouting and grooving my way on stage in like, 4 years time when I'm 30?? I honestly can't answer that. Of cos I want to, but that doesn't mean I can.

I foresee myself working later and later as work piles up. Actually I shouldn't commit to so many SF things now, I should let the younger guys take the reigns from me right? But i can't help it if I just have the desire to do more, serve more, cos I'm passionate about my ministry. Yeah, even more passionate about it than cell group.

I don't even want to talk about cell group cos I've totally lost the meaning of it. Yeah its to get together and worship God with your church family, to hear the Word and learn more about Him, and of cos to fellowship with friends. To train spiritual disciplines, to get revelations, to get spiritually refreshed in the presence of God. Yup, all these things and more, the benefits and importance of a cell group. I've heard the preaching, gone thru the bible study classes and felt the presence of God, wept and knelt, been prayed for and all that.

But recently, I lost my faith in the cell group. Of cos I haven't lost faith in God, I still pray and worship and do my QT at home, but I don't really feel like I'm achieving anything in this current cell group. I'm not doing anything, the friendship level is superficial, pple are just busy with their own lives and agendas, the age gap is too large, the younger pple make me wanna roll my eyes and smack my forehead with some of their comments, and I generally feel out of place. I don't like the PCGL's preaching, I don't like the way the whole awkwardness of being the odd one out. I'm one of the few working pple there, and what can I have in common with the sec sch kids? I wanted to talk to Valerie about this last week, but she seemed busy, and Peijing suggested going to Aiming cell group, but honestly will that change anything?

Or am I just becoming cold and dry in the spirit, cynical and critical Chrisitan like Paul who was all out to use his knowledge of the law to criticise and shame the spiritual leaders?

My only prayer is that I'm able to find a way out of all this, that God saves the day like He did with Paul.

Just got paid today for the month of May and oh man, am I disappointed!

This month's pay is a little bit disappointing, but oh well, that's cos I'm working one week less so I guess can't be blamed. Plus one day of MC. That kind of sucks right? I don't get paid for MC, even though I come back on weekends to finish my work! Totally rubbish man..

But doesn't matter, cos I'm in pretty much a good mood.

Two more days and I'm enjoying the shopping and food of hongkong, and then in June 20-22, Genting highland trip! Oh well I'm not so enthu for the genting trip, cos i'm not really that good friends with the pple who're going but i guess its ok cos i like momo hanxian and elaine, not to mention joan will be coming with me also! hahaha! it'll be like 7 pple group, quite cool leh! hehz. can go clubbing n casino n all those stuff. i haven't been to genting since i was in primary school, so should expect quite a few changes by now. hehz.. only thing i don't like, or rather the person i don't like who will be there is jingwei. short evil looking goblin like fellow with a witch's laugh, absolutely gross! hahaha..

anyway here i am in office at 6.52 pm waiting for my boss to be free so i can submit my work to her. haiz, hope i don't have to stay too late, i'd rather come back tml afternoon to work than stay late. i mean, i just don't like the feeling of being hungry for dinner, u know? if i had food delivered up perhaps it won't be so bad. but as it is, it jus plain sucks when i work late.

not going cell group tonight cos well, not really feeling well, very tired n sleepy n a bit of flu, but honestly i just don't feel like going. i still got to pack my bag n settle my mass call stuff for tml. oh well, hope all goes well n i'll be out of that place ASAP i hate all other snivelling lawyers.

Did I do the right thing?

She seems really upset and disappointed with everyone around her whom calls her a friend, and states that she can't believe some innocent pple would turn out to be the ones who told tall tales about her.

Although she didn't name any names, I know she means one of those pple to be me, cos I know I told Jennifer (who in turn probably told Boon) what she did in order to go overseas. To tell a convenient version of the half-truth.

To her it seems like I betrayed her trust. And yes I admit I did. But in the hopes that she sees things in the right way, that you can't lie your way out of a situation to get what you want. And believe me, I pondered over this for along time. I spoke to Julia and asked her what she would do. I really didn't want to be the bad guy, to "bao toh" you. But I guess I needed to tell a SF leader to be accountable to them.

Was the decision easy to make? Not easy at all.. But for the sake of her character moulding, I decided to do something about it. Perhaps the ministry leaders could address the issue better than me, since I'm not in a position to say or do anything.

I've seen too many pple tell little lies and don't bother about them, and end up telling bigger lies in the future, and eventually ending up in some trouble, or even if they don't, end up becoming defensive, or continue the convenient little white lies way of thinking. Look at the lawyer running away with $20 million. Did he start planning to steal the money when he started his career? Of cos not. His former classmates and friends were all stunned, and said he was a person of good character.

All bad habits begin small, if its not nipped in the bud, the small bad habit will grow. Lying, being unfaithful, smoking, stealing, laziness, anger problems, all of them start off small and balloon up into major flaws if left unchecked.

To lose a friend because I did what I felt was right, not the first time this has happened... And probably not the last.

Awesome dream!

After reading the first few chapters of the Ultramarines omnibus collection of stories, I have to say I am starting to become a DOW warhammer 40k fanboy! The stories are full of what I like, politics, betrayals, heroism, courage, fighting, violence, gore, blood, bullets, bombs, desperation, perhaps I think even a bit of romance.

I may even write my own story once I find the time and the inspiration to do so. But I highly doubt it, given my current workload...

Another 4 n a half days till I'll off on the plane to hongkong, far away from office and work, enjoying my well-deserved holiday! I mean I just want to get away from it all, I really hate the feeling of getting a call from office or my boss saying I need to return to work, I need this document ready by Monday the moment I step in, blah blah. How about saying I need a life outside of work?

The Strike Force Boot Camp

Injuries: Right palm swelling and blue black from hitting djembe, cut on the left foot, muscle aching all over the body esp the hips and neck from the dance class, sun burn on back of neck.

BUT!

overall i really enjoyed the camp, it was totally fun and a good learning experience! we didn't have as much time as we should have, we missed out i think about 3-4 activities planned cos of shortage of time, but overall the camp flowed pretty smoothly.

Thank you to all team members of group 3 DHOOM!! desmond, luke, verene, millie, valerie, shuting, jasmine, rohan, guankeat, julia, weiming, although not all of u guys stayed till the end of the camp, your effort is very much appreciated! Thank you guys for making the camp an enjoyable experience for all! Special thanks to Luke for coming up with most of the sequence, and to verena n the other solo players, for a first attempt i would say its pretty good! Rohan n his audience participation really rocks! also the solid "quarter master" n also all the other players lah! excellent job, i couldn't have asked for a better team, honestly.

Groove lesson: A funky man riding an elephant coming out of the cave! Such a crazy image will be imprinted in our minds, probably for as long as we live!

Playing far from each other: when you can't hear others, you have to reply on your sight.

Playing blindfolded: when unable to see, make sure you are able to hear and rely on your closest neighbour to keep in time with the rest of the group!

Dance lesson: goes to show that dancing isn't as easy n effortless as it looks! i can't stand the hip rotation step thingy, but the sailor step thing was quite easy though. can't play n dance yet! haha.

Team choreography: honestly i think DHOOM should win this cos we're one of thetwo groups who actually managed to finish doing the sequence in the 1.5 days camp! The other group was led by lianghong n they were pretty good, but i think our concept of combining stick tricks with solos and audience participation, as well as the jungle tribal beat created by Luke, really beats the rest hands down, no doubt about it. hahaha! maybe i'm biased, but i'm allowed to be cos Dhoom is MY team! hahaha..

We're not doing it for the prize, we're not doing it for the glory of winning, but we're doing it cos everyone is eager to increase their capacity and skill and team work in the Strike Force!

Poor millie got her 3rd finger on the left hand hit by a stick n it swelled to a gigantic blood clot but after a few mins of medical help from shona, she was ready to play rapanik in the next performance! it was quite amazing n funny also, she kept laughing even though everyone was like super concerned n worried forher finger!

A lot of other super funny things happened (the ultra funny back of the van experiences where it was a Ian shoot out, or rather everyone suan Ian time) and serious things too (the paper concept for new SF idea got kind of confrontational, n you could see some ugly character coming out, a bit of hao-lianism and such) but the team did bond together much more on the 2nd day as compared to the 1st day. n to me, that is really the most important, bridging thegap between the regular players, the church drummers, the new pple n everyone else in the SF. those who didn't attend even a single day or a single session, you will have missed out on a lot.

Long Weekend here i come!! Strikeforce Bootcamp is gonna RAWKK!!

Alright, finally one more week of work before I fly off to Hong Kong for my holiday!! Seriously I can't wait to get out of Singapore n leave my work behind for a week or so, I just don't like the idea of being so involved in work until I don't have time for a social life! Ok, you can call me lazy or unmotivated or slacker or whatever, so what? Its my life, I can decide what I want to do with it. I mean if I can't even choose to live my life the way I want to, then what can I choose?

Then comes the questions about flowing with God and submitting to His will. To me, I think I've finally been able to find an answer.

Pple often grapple with guilt when they're doing what they like and wonder if what they're doing is gratifying the flesh and sinning against God because the easy way out is usually the wrong way out. After all, we've been told, no pain no gain, and if you're not doing something that's glorifying God then you're living in sin.

I've always been plagued by that little pang of guilt and doubt if what I'm doing is actually pleasing to God.

Whenever I feel exhilaration at striking the UDM for a Strikeforce gig which is totally unlike any other Christian ministry in church.

Whenever I accomplish a piece of work for my boss in our client's favour and somebody else is going to suffer the consequences of drafting, or when my colleague gets compared to me by the boss and he/she gets more scolding.

When I decide I'm going to leave office on time to fellowship with friends instead of doing OT in the office when its 6.30 pm, or to rush to perform for a gig, or simply to go home for dinner once a week.

When I feel that not reading the Bible or praying everyday for half an hour or not saying grace before I eat makes me a lesser Christian than others who tell of great revelations they had during their super long QT.

When friends say "I thought Christians cannot go clubbing / listen to heavy metal rock music / blah blah.." and point the accusing finger at me to mock my God.

All these things add up to guilt, shame, frustration and trying to live out the perfect life for Him while feeling miserable and incapable of being a good Christian.

But really what does the Bible say about it? God takes great delight at the prosperity of His servant. The joy of the Lord is my strength. And all those other verses which mean it is a JOY to serve HIM.

Its not all pain and suffering, blood and sweat, sacrifices and offerings. The Christian life is supposed to be a successful, exciting, enjoyable and dare I use this word - PARTYING lifestyle.

Because God loves a party. He throws many parties, even in the old testament!

So to those who wanna put Christians down for clubbing and KTVing and jamming to music, just put a sock in it and before you judge, remember if you judge others, that is how GOD will judge you.

I like my job. I like my ministry. I like my life the way it is. I love my friends and want to spend time with them. I love Joan and my family.

And above all I still love You Jesus.

Sore throat and cough, gotta waste money to see doctor again.. haiz.

Can't stand it, dunno why out of the blue i'm getting sorethroat again. i don't think i even used my voice very much these days, doing all the work quietly by myself. The only time i talk in office is when i need to discuss things with my boss or colleagues or staff, or when pple call me to do things. really quite sian man.

wah lau eh, my boss just burst into my room asking me for things! one thing bad about my new office, is that it is just 2 rooms away from my boss so she can pop by every few min to check on what i'm doing as compared to my previous room which is down the corridor!

sian man, back to work liao, can't even blog my thoughts.. haiz. how to continue the story like that?

Change of office, and it sort of feels better

Dear God,

Thank you for the blessings in disguise, for the strength to get thru what I need to do and for the good advice from friends.

I was moved into Seeping's office since her office is much nearer to my boss and my old room is now converted into a storeroom full of boxes of files. Somehow or other I'm still surviving despite the work load thrown at me. I know I got a lot of things outstanding to do, but I am just waiting for 7 pm so I can go meet Joan for dinner, followed by Ironman movie! Its been sssooooooo long since I last watched a good movie with Joan. and its been even longer since i caught a movie with friends! hahaha.. I guess its cos i usually watch movies with girls and since Joan doesn't like that, I have never watched a show with any girl since I got attached. aww.. so sweet right? =P

I just pray and hope that she does well for her exams and doesn't flunk anything. I don't want to wait longer than 3 years to get married. honestly, i was pretty surprised when millie said she actually wanted to get married to that guy since she was young, n i realised that yeah, i knew i wanted to marry Joan when i started dating her.

I mean, its just so much more meaningful when you're in a long term relationship, rather than just out to flirt and fling and satisfy or gratify physical sexual desires. Whats so great about having one breakup after another? I'd rather share intimate and treasured moments with the girl whom I fell in love with, and slowly watch her become the woman I'm going to marry, then soon after the wife who is going to take care of my children, and then the one who grows old with me. just like that adam sandler song you know?

Which also happens to be the song that my beloved Joan sang to me on Valentimes Day last year! hahaha.. I mean, i'm the guy, shouldn't i be the one seranading her with love songs? which by the way i have been doing at least once a week (haha). but to hear your girlfriend sing u a song is priceless.

somehow I feel that last year's valentimes day was much more memorable than this year because we really spent more time together, and although technically we weren't together YET last valentime, I definitely remember crying cos I was so touched when Joan sang me the song. for those who don't know, it really means a lot becos I like songs n music n have been hinting and asking Joan to sing me a song for a long long time, n she finally did.

so God pls don't let her down and let her do well for her exams, she's not just my baby, she's your favourite daughter too. =)

Amen!!

i'm going into stoning mood again..

yup, two partners and one legal associate is resigning this week. and i get to takeover all the work from the legal associate. how nice.

i realise i don't get very much work done in the day when i keep getting phone calls and emails and distractions and pple coming to irritate me with stupid comments and secretaries sending jokes and talking or arguing loudly as if they want the whole office to hear their arguement. not to mention the fact that i get sleepy when i'm bored. plain and simple actually, to put it down into simple words, i don't really like my job and i don't like the fact that so many pple are leaving. its like rats running from a sinking ship, which signals the rest of the passengers that they'd better haul ass and get out of the place as well before the whole thing sinks..

oh on a lighter note, yesterday's SF performance at the GDOP was pretty good! crazy God's army was nice, although the snare players began a little too fast, i tink it was pretty much alright n Boon was in a good mood after the gig. but really don't like the whole thing in itself, heard some of the phoneist accents and general preaching without any points, draggy pastors and pple who "pray" by walking around during the service. it was totally quiet when the pastor asked the pple to pray for the nation n other points on the prayer list. not speaking in tongues might be one factor, but even if u pray with your neighbour, n there were at least about 5000+ or more pple there, even if they were all whispering soft prayers, there should be some rustling sounds right? zip zero nil for most of the pple. n every 10 minutes the pastor preaches or prays or sings another song. yeah of cos worship is important, but i think thats pushing it a bit too much, singing a song every 15 mins or so? how do u have time to organise yourself to pray?

but enough of that. more important issues at hand. like how joan is sick a day just before her major exam! God if you're there, please heal her now n protect her with divine health, good wisdom and knowledge, do the paper there with her alongside her and prompt her memory along each part of the question.

i feel so dead, its 5.20 pm n i promised my boss a piece of work by the end of the day which i'm not even half through yet but i have no mood to work n i'm so sleepy, the moment i stop typing i close my eyes n i'm in la la land. damn i don't even know why i'm so sleepy when i thought i should've enough sleep, i slept at about 1 am last night right? about 7 hours of sleep should be sufficient.. i just want to go on my holiday n forget about work for awhile.. damn irritaing admin lady GK Lim, annoys me like nobody's busiess! even rebecca who was only here like 3 days found her super irritating! when she opens her mouth ah, its like a horn blaring n i can't stand her.

anyway hope i get some much needed sleep tonight.. damn sian they actually ask for MC for the first time even though i took MC previously n they didn't ask for it. i half feel like telling them to go take a hike, if i don't have a MC what can you do, fire me? they have no freaking authority to do anything aside from what my boss says lah. stupid old hag.

falling sick in this crazy weather...

I had to literally drag myself out of bed today to go to work while running a slight fever in the morning. think i better take some flu medicine liao. sigh.

Sleepy.. Argh..

Can't go on like this man.. Everyday not enough sleep, its only Tuesday and already I feel like I'm suffering from lack of sleep. Think I should start to sleep before 12 midnight. Assuming I'm even home by that time! Hahaha..

This weekend there's the global day of prayer, so we've got practices almost every night, excluding friday night, where I'm having family dinner cos mindice is going overseas for a few months, I think. Honestly, if its any other eating place, I can't be bothered to go, but its Hanabi, my favourite Jap restaurant, so die die also must go n eat! Can pontang cg also. Hahaha..

By the way, Kenneth's getting married on Sat. I dun really feel like going, but will just pop down show face and wack the buffet, don't really intend to stay long, don't feel like I'm really part of the cell group or zone yet. Joan also needs to study for the exams, so I don't think we'll stay too long. Normally I'm excited for weddings, but nah, just don't feel close to my CGL at all. of cos we've been transferred over for a little over a month, and of which i think i missed like, 1 cg meeting n 1 cg outing? oh well, I can't have time for everything.

Last night had a nice dinner with a friend whom I probably won't be seeing again for a super long time? Hahaha.. we promised to meet up and double date n bring our gf / bf along next time, cos it'll be quite cool since i think we should get along just fine. can reach out to them n bring them for service as well. i mean this couple is like, the power couple of our times. The guy is president of scouts and counsel in NJC, straight As student, was offered place in medicine n law, decided to take up scholarship with A*Star to go cambridge to study, currently going through army going into OCS, sounds like the all rounder right? Then the girl is head of girl guides, also a straight A student from HCI, has been offered places in law, MOE teaching scholarship and not at all stuck up or anal, but super friendly and nice. I mean, is that a power couple or what? And both of them got attached for the first time in their lives at beginning of 2007, so sweet right? The only problem i foresee for them is the LDR when he goes to cambridge for 3-4 years.

After dinner went for SF practice, which lasted until almost 11 pm! by the time we packed up and cleaned up the place it was like, 11.15 already. by the time i reached home it was after 12, then bathed and tried to go to sleep with air con cos it was so freaking hot n humid! But i don't know why, my air con always become super cold at about 4 am, so i had to wake up to switch it off and open the room windows and door, and went toilet. the next thing I know, its already 8 am, I've overslept for 20 min.

Tonight, same thing again. prac end late, go home late and super tired, half dead. i want to submit my form tml morning, so i got chance to be late for work with a valid excuse, but my boss hasn't signed the form yet. Worse i've got a whole list of items to go through with a litigation lawyer, n they're always not around. called them like 3 times this morning already. sian.

I dunno, but I am really starting to get annoyed with work. i mean, i do like working, but i don't like doing admin stuff which secretaries should be doing. but we're so shorthanded here we have to do things like that on our own. and i'm quite pissed with one of the admin staff, no mood to do any work now, so just waiting for lunch time, lazing around. headache from lack of sleep, so can't concentrate on work also. think tonight i'll leave practice early, latest by 10 pm, really cannot take it liao. haiz.

if i can, i really want to be a full time musician, part time lawyer. i'm only into lawyering for the money, as sad as it sounds. it isn't all that i imagined, no fighting for justice n all that crap, its just doing what you can for the clients, protect their interests, negotiate about contract terms n all that. to make matters worse, i really don't have many friends in office. all the nice pple have resigned n left, i think its a matter of time before i leave too.

Was it really a vision or just my imagination?

At service today during worship I felt something really electric.. something I totally did not expect to feel so suddenly, so fiercely, so vividly.. and yet after the service on the way home to the Strikeforce gathering at my place, i had already begun to doubt.

Yup, had a SF gathering at the function room at my place, and it was really great n perhaps i'll blog about it when i'm at office tml, but now i think i want to capture my vision quickly before it dies away.

recently i'm been plagued by thoughts of the worst kind. not merely of sins, but really gross sins. i've not committed them yet, but the Bible already says having thoughts of such things is already committing the sin itself. thoughts that i wouldn't even dare to share with my closest buddy, or my spiritual leaders. its too shameful and downright immoral to even mention it.

perhaps its becos of the unforgiveness and bitterness i have towards certain pple. Better to let go and let God, i felt the Holy Spirit prompt me today while taking holy communion. after all, the only person i'm really hurting in the end is myself. so i chose to forgive n forget. and i realise it isn't all that easy to forgive anymore.

but that's beside the point, let me explain what happened at worship again.

i can't even remember the worship song, but i do remember it was the first one. i think it was hallelujah or something? anyway, during the first verse i remember a dark shadow coming over me. it wasn't from the lights or anything, it was coming OUT of me, out of my own body, how i don't know. it was something sinister and unexplanable. then i also remember during the chorus, a blazing fire came pouring out of the sky, buring everything around me, buring away the blackness, buring away my very skin itself. and i was screaming in pain, it was the holy fire of the Lord cleansing me, i knew it was, but at the same time it burned and i suffered and endured great pain. then the Lord spoke to me.. He will answer my prayer, but only if I'm willing to pay the price of holiness. And it will not be a pleasant process, it will not be painless, it will not be easy. but if i love Him, if i truly want to do His will, i will say, let it be according to Your Word. i forgive everyone i should forgive, God you help me to forget no matter how hard it is. I humble myself and put on a servant attitude, no matter how high my pride n ego wants to lift me.

as soon as i prayed that prayer, i felt such a burden lifted off my life. then the fire which was burning and consuming me, suddenly became to feel warm and comforting, and i was whole and unhurt by the fire.

was that really a vision from God? i haven't had a vision in a very very long time, not so clear as this one. but then again i haven't been praying or reading the Bible very much, haven't i? one verse a day on facebook isn't enough at all. in fact its kind of pathetic how i try to make excuses for myself to justify my laziness to do spiritual things.

pastor tan's msg really sank into my heart n i pray my spirit too. let me pray with more fervency, more power, more urgency, more regularly, more persistently. let me fellowship with the God of my forever once more.

excellent show dudes!! harold and kumar rules, forbidden kingdom rocks!

best comedy of the year so far, Harold & kumar escape from Guantanamo Bay! best kung-fu action movie of the year so far, Forbidden Kingdom! Jet Li's portrayal of the Monkey god was awesome! the ang moh main lead n the chinese girl weren't good at all, but the cool thing was to see jackie chan fight jet li! and they probably saved a lot of money by making jet n jackie act more than 1 role each! hahaha..

oh yeah, n a few things to note..

"everytime i see you falling i get down on my knees and pray, waiting for the final moment you say the words i have to say"

"oOOOOoo square roooooom!"

"Go west! life is peaceful there! Go West! in the open air! Go West! baby you and me! Go West this is our destiny!"

soon we must go, Mambo night beckons! all ye who read this post, remember come June, let's all go MAMBO JAMBO!! hahaha.. time to show off the moves i've been doing since my JC and army days of clubbing!

"i should be so lucky, lucky lucky lucky, I should be so lucky in love!"

hahaha... think i a bit high from the alcohol over lunch, boss brought us out to eat again, super full n sleepy now, no mood to do any work!