First entry of 2010!

Seems that I've not updated my blog for quite some time! Just thought of dropping a few thoughts here, and a quick prayer to begin the new year!

God I'm in such a pile of work I don't know where to start, I don't feel like doing anything, and I'm feeling sleepy as side effects from the pills! What a bad way to begin 2010.. sighz.

I didn't go service on Sunday cos I was so sleepy n tired after going cycling on sat night with Joan, then had supper at Carls junior at east coast. i don't think we got home too late, cos after supper i just sent joan home then went home to play a bit of game, but i was just pure lazy to go church on sunday. I had a headache n overslept n Joan waited 2 hours at tpy mrt station for me.. i'm so sorry i wasted her time, but i assumed that she was not going service cos she said she slept at 6 am due to vomitting or something.. i mean, i read a SMS at 6 am in the morning, half asleep n not thinking straight, what should i expect?? anyway, next time i will switch my phone to silent mode n check SMSes only in the morning after i'm totally awake!

Spent the afternoon trying to piece together a new furniture my parents bought for $500 from ikea, too 2 hours to set up the base only! totally annoying, didn't expect it would take so long just to piece together a few pieces of wood! then joan insisted i meet her and she told me she wanted to pass the ring back to me becos she wasn't ready.

Oh God, i could've just heard my heart break there n then. I don't get it. I don't know why she would feel stressed from the ring. i mean, its just a ring. we've been living as if we're engaged anyway, so what difference would it make? i couldn't understand, and i was so angry. i use anger to cover my sadness n disappointment, becos, well, i generally don't like to show that i'm vulnerable or weak. weakness is for pussies. i threatened to throw away the ring n if she returns it i will never propose again. which is of course nonsense...

i dunno but i feel the whole engagement is a BIG mistake. i did it too rashly, i didn't give her enough time to think through it, and worse, i overreacted when she told me she was having some problem accepting the engagement. i really don't know what to do, or who to confide in because i'm going to lose a lot of face if i tell the whole truth to anyone... and my ego n pride doesn't allow that. i will never cry in front of anyone except God or Joan, i told myself that long ago..

but this whole engagemenet thing has turned into a big mess.. i got sick with rashes, i couldn't go to work on monday cos i was too upset n the rash was so bad i went to see dr kwok.. i should've asked for 2 days MC, but there's so much work in office that i know i have to force myself to go back to work.. i dunno how to deal with this. i never though i'd feel so depressed after getting engaged, i only thought we would be so happy together.. i feel like i've failed Joan, i've failed God, i've made so many mistakes..

My new year resolution not to use vulgar words was broken so easily. my other resolution to control my temper was also gone while i flared up at the yishun mrt on sunday night. i've got no more motivation to make anymore resolutions, to do anything.. i wanna quit my job n just wallow in misery at home.. this sense of chaos and failure just looms over me. sigh.

I'm sorry God, i'm sorry.. i just can't live my life right, i can't do things right without You in it..