Tuesday, September 28, 2004

what will happen nobody knows... only God knows

hi jessie!

yupz, time on my clock says 12.45 am on tuesday sept 28th 2004... haha i like to be detailed in saying stuff! hehz... yeah i was thinking about how to write this letter to u all the way home, while u were probably munching n gobbling down your supper..! hahaha... my dad bought supper for me too, thank God for that! was quite hungry when i got home...

but anyway, enough of small talk n chatter, i think u know what it is i am going to say... thinking about it on the way home while walking already made me tear a little, i hope i can write this whole thing quickly n then go pray n sleep... wake up tml to do assignment..

yeah, anyway... wat u said earlier at west mall really struck my heart.. the stuff about how we should'nt be too emotionally attached, cos i'm on vow, n we shouldn't give each other false hope n wait in vain for the next 3 years (actually now its less than 3 years liao hahaha) but we should give each other the space n the time to grow to love God more n know Him more, n also to serve Him more in ministry n bring new friends to church.. u know lah, all that...

u know y i was so shocked? cos God told me exactly what he told u. n tat was many months ago... Holy Spirit already warned me not to get too attached to u, or i would end up hurting both of us... i disobeyed Him, n pretended i didn't hear it... until today.

jessie, you're a great girl. i really think so, even before i started to like u last year. u can sing really well, u treat your friends quite nicely most of the time (hahaha =P) n well, not that i judge a book by its cover, but really to tell e truth, u r really very very pretty... hehz! the first pretty girl who actually like me! (ok ok i'll not suan my ex anymore, haha...!) n you're a great joker n lamer also, plus a great singer! (just remember God gave u all these talents for His purpose, so pls for goodness sake, start to join a ministry n serve more in cell group n in church ok?).. i really think u r a really sweet girl, n know how to make my parents happy as well! hahaha... they like u much more than they like my ex-gf, i can tell...

n most of all, don't ever forget u have a great destiny in God. no matter how bad circumstances may be around u, u still have God with u no matter what. Bible says, if my God is for me, then who can be against me? (Rom 8:31) no matter who tries to destroy your family, or distract u from your purpose in God, he/she will fail, cos God is for you. remember that always... God is with you, n He is fighting for you, He's on your side!

yeah... so u said u had decided to forget me n move on with God... even though it may be hard for me to accept, i have to.. cos i don't want u to wait for me anymore, i dun want to give u false hopes n empty promises. In 2007, if we still like each other n we're both doing well in God's house, serving n loving Him faithfully, i'm sure God will let us be together. but as for now... i'm on vow. n i've caused u so much hurt n pain, tat i don't think i can ever make up for it, no matter how much homework i do for u. (haha =P) its a good decision.

i know i was very hurt n angry n depressed n heartbroken when i heard u say that... that was the probably the 1st time i spit in public! (another 1st yeah? haha) but i was really so angry n hurt... n the saliva tasted so bitter n poisonous in my mouth.. i am really so happy that u still liked me after all that has happened this past 1 year... since i smsed u "i like u" during my army days in 2003 april, n i fell off my chair when u sms me back n said u liked me as well. those were good memories, which i will always have with me, even if we become total strangers after a few years. n i know for sure, that u r the only girl i ever truly liked after my ex-gf. nobody else could make me happy like u did... even today, i think aside from the joy of the Lord, the next best thing would be to hang out with u, n be entertained by your jokes.. hehz... i'll always have sweet, sweet memories of you.. of us going out on our 1st date, the movies we watched, the times we spent at each others house, even the not-so-nice chalet we had, hahaha..

it is so difficult to let go of you... oh man, i'm crying already, argh... jessie.. i really wish u didn't make that decision, cos i really want to wait for u... i even defied God's words to me... i know u were too afraid to ask that question, cos u already knew the answer. sometimes, when i'm with u, all i wanna do is forget about the rest of the world n be with you.... but we can't do that.

but can i please ask a small favour? if u want to forget me, please spend more time with God n focus your life on Him, n don't go n get another boyfriend... it hurt me so bad when u got attached to tat guy for around 2 months. u even brought him for service, n i couldn't stand to look at you with him, without feeling a sharp stinging pain in my heart, n tears coming to my eyes... seeing u be so happy with someone, knowing that i can't be that person cos i made a vow to God... so please, at least until the end of the year, can u promise not to let me see u date any other guys? i mean, of cos if u want to go ahead. but as a person who really likes you, i think i will break down even in public if i see together with another guy so soon... it is gonna be so hard for me to get over you..

and if u do get attached before u go to australia.. well, u must let yujie or charmaine know, but please, if u can hide it from me until u leave for australia, can u don't let me know? i think i will be very crushed n hurt, cos i know i will still like you for a very very very long time... yeah i know, God is my strength, but Proverbs 18:11 says "The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity; but a wounded spirit who can bear?" it means that nobody can take such a terrible blow that his spirit is wounded, so i don't wish to hurt you, nor want you to hurt me...

maybe i'm being selfish.. but u have no idea how much i wanted us to be together. i had plans n dreams for our careers, for our mission trips, our ministries, going to SOT together, one day giving our testimonies on stage in church about how God has blessed us, etc... haha, even marriage plans, where to stay n all that kind of stuff... i'm quite an old-fashioned guy who loves romances n treasures relationships, despite what i portray, a lame bo-chup kind of guy... when i wrote that line in my blog, i had NO idea that u would think i meant i was never serious with you, n u thought that i was just being "nice" to u in your moments of need. i asked God if i could break my vow, so i can be with you, thats why He answered me in such a firm way. from the very start, i was serious about being with u in the end...

yeah talking to u on e phone.. haiz your mum really getting more n more unreasonable ah.. finally u put down so i can continue writing... reason why i didn't answer u was cos i was writing this, not becos i'm being angry with you! i'm not unreasonable ok?

n one very bad habit u have... which i feel u need to change... is that u always push pple away from u when u r depressed or hurt. that shouldn't be the way to react, cos when u r down, thats when God n His pple come to encourage u n support u n cheer u up! so many times, u push pple away when u are not feeling well, or depressed, or angry. i wish u would talk to me when u got things on your mind...

i don't want to scare u or hurt u anymore... yeah i admit i'm an easily jealous person, i'm a very insecure n low self-esteem, especially with guys chasing u.. i am no fool, i can see for myself guys r chasing u, even u yourself know that. i came all the way to your house to look for u, to find u n talk to u... to try n cheer u up n spent my last few dollars on flowers for u, waited almost an hour for u... n yet, u went to eat prata with another guy. put yourself in my shoes, what would u have felt if it was the other way round?

then plus u also want to purposely agitate me n "test" me, n get into another arguement with me. n say that i want things to go my way all the time, which is not true at all. i dunno lah... i just take it that u still in a bad mood, so i won't take it to heart. n i'm not perfect, i am trying to change. last time i was even worse n more egoistic.hahaha...

i wish sometimes tat i can just hug u n make the world disappear... i really wanna be there for u, to be the one who can make u happy when things go wrong.. to be your soulmate. but i'm still a little immature, have some temper problem, n still on vow. i want to be more mature, more spiritual, n be a much better man when i enter my next relationship...

so if u decide to forget me n move on, or if u decide to wait for me, whatever u decide upon, as long as u think God is happy with that, i'll support you. (even if it hurts) but just know that i'm always gonna be your friend, i wanna stick with u thru thick n thin. that i can promise u. to be your friend in need, to help u if i can... so u can live a happy n fulfilled life for God.

n thats it finally come to the end of my letter.... i've finally told u what i wanted to tell u, but didn't have the chance to... its 2 am now.

i'll miss u lots ok? take care...

love,
weiwen

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

i wana walk in God's blessings... Give me strenght to fulfil my vows

its been almost 3 days since that incident with jessie... really felt terrible about it after it happened... i dunno why but i felt so guilty n bad but i suppose Holy Spirit had a very obvious way of letting me know that enough was enough.

God, i'm really so sorry i did so many wrong things, but i really wanna stop all of those wrong things right now n start to live my life properly n be pleasing in Your eyes once again..

i really love to serve You in so many ways, but its really frustrating when pple dun want to work with me, so i hope that You can convict them to reply SMS n keep their promises when they make them! i get really very angry when pple say something n yet do another... n yet i suppose i am doing that myself.... i dun wanna be a hypocrite so i guess i gotta learn how to change before i can complain about other pple! hehz...

my guitar string snapped. i pray that huei remembers to get me a new one..

also i really really need financical blessings right now God, there's barely $16 in my bank accout n $2 in my wallet to last me the whole of September. i've been giving n giving out of my own money, i'm sure You see all of that, i've sacrificed so much for You, skipping lunch n sometimes even dinner... i feel like breaking down, but i've come too far to let You down. i promise i'll pay my vows, monetary or relational.

there's so much i need to do, so much i want to do, and yet so much that i can't do, making me feel so frustrated.

n regarding jessie... its so painful, it hurts. its terrible liking someone n knowing that she's not the one God has planned for u.

Monday, September 20, 2004

1st post of a new blog!

yeah this is gona be my spiritual diary...

revelations, favourite verses, visions n dreams for God are all gonna be written here!

this is a new beginning... settle things with jessie, settle things with choir ministry, n more importantly settle my assignments n projects, and finally but most importantly, dedicate my life to God again!!

yeah...! yeah!