Great night out with Pri 6 class mates!

Dear God,

Its been a long time since I last blogged / prayed on whats happening in my life. I remember just on Thursday night I was crying while I prayed for Joan's exam paper for economics.. not because I was so intensely praying for her until I cried, but rather when I was praying, I felt like I've wandered so far from You this year.

To be honest, I've really not gone to church for more than 1 month. Watched service online, sometimes just can't be bothered to watch at all, cos i'm so busy with work. Or sometimes just plain lazy and need sleep.

I think I've gotten my priorities all wrong, now everything I do is for my job, everything centers upon excelling at my job, getting my work done, getting the deals in and getting more money. Its like somehow, I've totally forgotten about my promises to God to always put Him first, to fulfil the basic requirements of service and cell group. I know there's the whole cultural mandate thing going on, but when I'm just pure lazy to go for service, I know there's something seriously wrong with my spiritual life.

God I admit I need help.. I think I shall speak to Shaun or Yujie about this. I'm not yet too familiar with Alicia, as friendly and nice as she may be, I don't know if she understands what I'm going through.. True, I never did give her a chance as I don't confide in her at all, which what I'm supposed to do.. Be accountable to my leader. It seems the more financially stable I become, the more I feel I'm in control, the less I see the need to be accountable. All my old flaws flaring up again, rebelliousness, pride, stubborness to change.

Initially I wanted to blog about the great time I had with my friends, Kelly and his wife, Liangfeng, Junhao, Jiayong, Lishan, Shujun, and to a lesser extent, Yockwei. And I wanted to complain about how fake some pple can be, after listening to Liangfeng's story which Yingyan told him while at St James 2 weekends ago. I was supposed to go with them, but was too caught up at work (again!). These guys are really nice pple (with the exception of Yockwei, I really don't like the way he tries to portray he's living the high n fast paced life, like he's rich or something, when obviously all of us can see through his pretentiousness..) especially Kelly, we were talking the whole night through various topics from games to marriage to divorce to education, and we were really hitting it off like old friends, and I really do miss hanging out with him.. we had a nice steam boat dinner, the soup was really good, and we chilled out at TCC at clark quay for a good 1.5 hours at least, n i really enjoyed the fellowship..

But when i got home n i was thanking You for a good time with my pri sch friends, I also realised something. I don't feel the presence of God when I'm fellowshipping with them, which is the difference when I fellowship with strikeforce or other church friends. When I was at Mikki's birthday. Heck, even when I was playing LAN with boonkiat and daryl. I mean yeah, those guys like computer games n we have fun, but they love You too. Daryl still attends his church faithfully, and BK, despite being in army still serves security ministry n attends his own service. Those guys put me to shame. I ought to be the one on fire for God even more, leading more pple to You every year, shining in the market place, and in the church as well. But i seem to be drifting further and further away from you, and cooking up excuses why I can't go for service.

I mean for cell group, I really do have to work OT and have valid reasons for missing them, but for service I really should go. To not experience the intense presence of God for a month, to not be able to be refreshed in Your presence, to not read the bible, to not absorb the truths in Your Word, its really taking its toll on me. I feel lethargic n energyless all the time, I'm back to my old bad habits of scolding vulgarities and cursing and swearing at pple, my hot temper is acting up, i'm becoming more quarrelsome n easily agitated.. God, I've even scolded Joan last night for interrupting my game play.

I need You God, more than ever. You and only You can keep my behaviour in check, n can guide me to the right path. I need to learn to love You again, to follow You again, to put You first in my life again.. and it so tough. I find that there are few pple that I can trust, after seeing all the Christians give up hope on backsliders, how would I know pple won't just give up hope on me? For all I know, my cell members may already be viewing me n Joan in a different way... Am i being overly sensitive or paranoid, or do I feel I just can't fit in with them? Like they're excluding us or even snubbing us in some way? I dunno.. I'm not holy enough to hang out with them or something. Haiz, sarcasm isn't going to get me anywhere and I know it.

The lyrics of the worship songs just came to me..

Lord we need Your grace and mercy
We need to pray like never before
We need the power of the Holy Spirit
To open heaven's door

Spirit touch Your church
Stir the hearts of men
Revive us, Lord
With Your passion once again
I want to care for others
Like Jesus cares for me..
Let Your rain, fall upon me..

Oh God, let Your Words sink deep into my soul, into my spirit man.. revive the dead passion I have for You, awaken the spiritual man in me! I need to break free of this routine of work, work, work, and money money money, and see that there is more to life than just meeting my own needs, surviving in my own world. Let me open up my eyes to Your will once again God! Let me enjoy being in Your presence, worshipping You, praising You, giving thanks to You once again!

I know that You are ever there, waiting for me to come back, and I am coming back to the heart of worship.. I will come back, and I will stay in Your will and Your presence once again. I need time to open up Lord, but I will pray and read Your Word again, I will try my best.

God, I put my trust in You. Help me when all else fails, help me get through to You once again.

In Jesus name,
Amen