Friday, December 28, 2007

When darkness turns to light, it ends tonight...

Well now..

Its about 3.30 pm in the afternoon and I'm 3 n 1/2 hours from the last cell group of 2007 and for me, the last cell group in a youth cg! one major change coming right up in 2008 is a change in cg, and i guess next cg will be with my new cg members. hope they aren't boring!!

saw a picture on lydia's friendster of strikeforce when we were taking part in chingay in 2004! oh man i can't believe its been more than 3 years since i joined the strikeforce! i'm still around n kicking! looking at that picture brought back a flood of memories, the thrill of performing, the rush of adrenaline, the endless tiring practices, the occasional flirting with certain pple (haha), the amazing energy and fiery power! now i feel the passion n the fire is lacking in the new generation, while the older generation is burning out. actually some are fizzling out and not even burning anymore. lol. pple like uncle daryl, oh man, i was quite shocked to see the tiredness on his face at christmas service.

sorry man, i can't help out in driving cos i really can't drive manual. and besides, i already said i'm in SF to be a player, not a trainer or logistics or admin personnel. just like i told my CGL, the next cg i wanna be in, i'll be satisfied to be a normal member. maybe play the guitar for praise n worship n do some minor job like collecting cg funds or organising events. i'm good at organising stuff, if i may say so myself. hahaha. but i'm really quite horrible at doing follow-up n admin stuff.

speaking of which, i really wonder what is shuyi going thru now, not to mention eunice ding. its so weird, out of the blue, suddenly msg me on friendster, when i've been trying to call her n sms her for months. whats wrong with her phone? i dunno, but i'll give her the benefit of the doubt, but i'd definitely ask for a reason why she has been avoiding me for the last few months.. i'm not ashamed to admit that i was quite affected emotionally. i mean, if a sister or a brother suddenly decides to cut off ties with you, how would you feel?

roughly another hour till its time to go home. man, do i feel sleepy! at least i unlocked a couple of new challenges and weapons last night.haha!

oh well, 2008, here i come!

Thursday, December 27, 2007

one more hour till 6 pm n i'm outta here

damn i'm so bored...

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

One final cell group with N280 this coming friday..

Dear Lord

I dunno, but I think I've done a dedication page to N280 pple before liao, but ever since, things have happened which sort of prompted me to continue with it, adding more pple to the "thank you" list. haha.

Well, not really a thank you kind of speech, but rather a sort of plea for help to come into the cell group becos i really don't think it can function well at its current state. what, with all the flirting n touching going on, as well as the influx of certain irritaing n annoying pple, as well as possible new comers who might be staying. so many things happening in the cell group, and already i believe i'm in the dark about the more juicy details n secret rendezvous! oh well, doesn't matter i guess, at the end of the day as long as these guys keep coming back to church n cg, i believe sooner or later (but hopefully sooner!!) they will get touched by You and will have the desire (at least) to change for the better.

Anyway i'm not going to apologise for any comments here, which is why it is a personal blog, not a public blog!

there's this brewing hot spot between certain cg members, n its making everyone else uncomfortable n gossipy about whats going on.. it involves D, J, K, and possbily others whom i do not know. there's this irritating new guy who thinks he knows a lot n tries too hard to impress n makes stupid comments which piss pple off. he'd better learn how to control his tongue before someone gives him a knuckle sandwich to his face. and honestly i wouldn't be too surprise if he gets the outcaste treatment cos honestly, almost everyone i've talked to has been irritated by him. haha. what a loser. but then again i suppose he's there to help mold characters n test the patience of the cg pple? hahaha..

really a lot of weird stuff going on in the cg, a lot of gossip n slanders flying around.. i don't like it, n i wish those pple will stop behaving indecently in public. gossip splits a cg, divides the pple, and when they can't work together becos there is no unity, how will the new friends be able to be integrated smoothly?

well there's those who also have brought new hope n a new kind of vigour n spirituality into the cg. kudos to alex for bringing 6 friends, all of whom responded to the altar call! praise the Lord, its really amazing for a whole group to get saved. though they might be army pple, i pray that they get integrated well into the cg at this friday's party! also hensa's friends seem pretty alright though they didn't respond to the altar call, he's been "working" on them for quite a while, just waiting for the right time to bring them to church, n also for the right time to share Christ with them.

also wanna thank You for an enjoyable christmas party on monday night! though things didn't really go according to plan, i think most of the cg pple had fun until the countdown, n some seemed bored with the moulin rouge movie, but honestly i couldn't really be bothered becos i was sooooo tired liao, i didn't have the strength or energy to lead any more games! actually up till now, i still feel i haven't fully recovered from the overnight party! hahaha.. feel really sleepy n my whole body was aching last night! guess i really am getting old eh? hahaha.. i think tat is probably gonna be the last christmas party i have with millie's pple cos i'm afraid that they were bored cos i think i was mainly catering to my cg pple. oh well, i guess christmas eve in 2008 will probably be spent with Joan privately in a nice restaurant when i have the money to spend!! i hope everyone had fun at the party, cos i most certainly did. especially the worshipping session, i really felt for once in a long time, that when we worshipped, it wasn't just singing a song, but that Your presence was among us. that was great!

and finally to get to the crux of the post, happy birthday Lord Jesus! Merry christmas, and hope you reaped a great harvest of souls at the christmas celebrations this year! harvest season isn't over, this friday i pray that there will be another time of major decisions, or at least a time where Your spirit can touch their hearts again!

You've seen me through relationship crisis, academic stress, working stress, cell group problems, CGL conflicts, and so many other times when i felt like giving up n nobody was there, i knew in my heart that You were always there. even when my heart grew cold n my heart hurt so bad, i knew that You were always waiting for me to turn to You, which i could've done at any time. though often i ignored You, took You for granted. Lord this year, my Christmas wish is to be able to love You and know You more. plain and simple.

Yesterday was supposed to have lunch with Joan, but cos her parents overslept she couldn't mke it for our christmas lunch but i guess its alright. at least our parents have met! hahaha.. it was quite a funny n weird way to meet, in the middle of the road outside church, but i guess it was pretty alright.

i've still yet to spend some quality time with Joan this Christmas season. i think tonight i'll realy take some time to appreciate her n spend time with her n make her feel so loved. after all the rushing to queue for services n hounding of new friends n organising of christmas party and so many other updates n lunches n dinners n movies, i really feel quite tired out! i don't know why, but i think i'm doing so much christmassy stuff that i've forgotten to take a moment to really absorb the christmas spirit and enjoy the atmosphere of christmas! Lord, its all about You when i work for you at Christmas, but i mustn't forget the worship, the personal fulfilment that i get when i immerse myself in Your special holiday. like how the song goes..

"as little children we would dream of Christmas morning
and all the gifts and toys we knew we'd find
but we never realised a baby born that blessed night
gave us the greatest gift of our lives."

truly You are the reason for the season, and 2007 will be remembered as a great christmas!

thank You Jesus, for everything You've done, for coming to earth, for coming into my life, for all the blessings and for all the love You've showered over me. words alone cannot express my gratitude! i pray that next year i will truly be able to love You more n spend more time with You.

In Jesus name I pray,
Amen!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Another day closer to Christmas..

Dear God,

Last night I don't know what got into me, why I was so reluctant to reply to Val when she tried to call me, I don't know why. I guess I forgot to send the Christmas update, and when I wanted to my hp went flat.

I'm sorry for having such a screwed up attitude, and that I have to keep forcing myself to do the right thing. And sometimes I fail to do the right thing.

I hope I don't quarrel with Joan later over dinner. We've had quite a few quarrels lately, I also dunno why we seem more easily irritable. God bless our relationship, and may it be edifying to our lives!

In Jesus name,
Amen

Monday, December 17, 2007

Falling at Your feet

Dear God,

it tooka great effort to humble myself and decide to take the step forward to the altar call yesterday morning, or early afternoon, i can't remember what time it was. but i remember, that You spoke so clearly to me during the service, of how i shouldn't just live my life as a nominal Christian.

sure i can still earn the big bucks, and get everything that i want in life, a good girlfriend, a good job, good friends to hang out with, etc.. i can have everything i want, and yet somehow still feel so unsatisfied.

it was humbling. coming in front of thousands of pple, admitting that i've sinned, i've neglected You, i've ignored my God, i've led my pple down the wrong path, i've sinned n refused to come back to You becos of something stupid called pride. what will others think of me? what will the cgl say to me?

but in the end, all i wanted was to kneel before You and cry in Your presence.

thank You Lord for saving me once again, now i understand what it means, that salvation isn't an event, its a process.

i don't really know how to continue from here on, but i guess the basic steps are praying and reading Your Word once again. i've put them off for too long, i've neglected the basic principles of my Christian walk with You, i've focused too much on what i want, what the flesh wants, i've given in to the worldly desires of my flesh for too long.

its time to repent and turn to You once again.

Lord sorry for the many sins i've committed, the omissions of things i should have done which i did not, for the mean and horrible things i've sad which have hurt pple around me. I'm sorry Lord for the things i've done, cos its all about You Jesus.

Somehow i just felt like a heavy burden just lifted off my back and i was able to cry in Your presence, experience the joy of God, jump n smile without faking it anymore, shout Your praises not as i'm supposed to, but becos i want to.

Its taken me a long journey to find myself walking back to You. i pray that You resume speaking to me Holy Spirit, tell me the things which are in Your heart, show me the destiny that You have in store for me. so many transitions going on in my life right now, i'm tired out physically, spiritually, emotionally.

i don't want to be flakey either, i won't say that my life's gonna be perfect with God in it. i'm not so naive!

but i believe that as I continue to walk with You in my heart, praying, reading and confessing Your Word and Your promises everyday, i will draw close to You once again, and have thatclose relationship which i so yearn for. God, i know for sure You're not a figment of my imagination, becos of all that You've done for me, i seriously wanted to laugh when Shane said You were a figment of imagination. thank goodness i didn't, it would've been so rude.

nevertheless, let Your will be done in me, on earth as it is in heaven. help me to really shine in the marketplace.

In Jesus name I pray,
Amen.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

When I can't cry before God, what does it mean?

Dear God,

Though I changed the blog title, I guess I can still use it to write You some letters once in a while.

First of all, sorry for all the wrong attitudes and wrong thinking and terrible behaviour in the past 2 weeks. I guess the stress of exams got too much for me to handle, plus the quarrels with my girlfriend, and the fact that my CGL is pushing me for friends all the time. But forget it, I don't want to complain anymore.

I just wanna say that during last week's cell group, I dunno whether is it You speaking to Val to speak to me, the thing about living life as if everything is alright but when I'm living a double life inside and outside church. Actually more like I life a different life when I'm alone, away from the presence of other pple, cos i'm fully aware that people are watching me, and every mistake I make gives them a chance to scoff and laugh and demean God.

Though I do get pissed off or depressed sometimes, there's always one thing which keeps me from making things worse: my respect for God, and knowing that I represent You in many pple's lives.

My members, my sch mates, my old friends, my family, my tuition kids, my working colleagues.. Everyone knows I'm from City Harvest Church, sometimes its such a burden, when I do something wrong, or make a joke of something, they'll be ever so eager to pinpoint faults, not faults of mine, but faults of God!

No wonder Dr Avazini said today, we are all living representations of God, so we do unto others, we are actually doing it to God. So likewise, when we make mistakes, does it mean God makes mistakes as well? To the non-believer, well yes of cos! If the Holy Spirit is in you then why do you still scold vulgarities and make crude jokes?

I guess my answer is that though He is in me, He is not controlling me like a robot, and He can be frightened or driven away. Fact is, I've had such a stinking attitude, I know the Holy Spirit is deeply hurt and disappointed with me.

At cell group last week, during worship, I knew You were there. You showed up becos Your pple were hungry for You, but yet I did not even cry in Your presence. I tried to worship, I tried to remember how good God is, I tried to tell myself that I can be forgiven, tat I will never be condemned in Christ. Yet strangely I could not cry. I could not bring myself to be immersed in the presence of God. There was such a strong barrier (probably of sin) that prevented YOu from reaching me...

How do I get rid of sin? Inward change of heart, outward change of actions.

God its my first day of work tml after a 5 month break of school. I'm really apprehensive, and I keep telling myself I've not played enough, I've not had time for a proper break!

Yet I guess this is life, this is how it is. I can't always get what I want, I gotta learn to accept more responsibilities, more problems, more burdens.

I believe in You God.

I believe that You are God of all, and that You will see me through this spiritual crisis, this dry and painful time, this financial strain that I'm in.

I believe God, help my unbelief!!

Thursday, December 06, 2007

decided to change my blog's title

since i don't really write stuff for God anymore, i've decided to change the title.

haha, kudos to my friend lewis for pointing it out.

and yes, i've resolved the earlier problem n deleted the angry post (cos i was "forced" to, hahaha).

working life starts next monday. wonder what will it be like, working for the next 30-40 years of my life?

thinking about it sort of scares me. what, worse if i can't get along with colleagues and bosses. hope i find a nice firm with nice pple in it..

Monday, December 03, 2007

A short preview of that which is to come! dedicated to my beloved N280

The Last Tale of the Gunslinger
1st Dec 2007

“Maybe I’m getting too old for this.” Grifter paused to catch his breath while reloading the bullets of his USP pistol, as his team mates laid down covering fire.

“Green Team, get your unit out of there ASAP!! Censors read at least another 2 hellgates opening within 25 meters of your position, and backup is busy backing up another unit! Fall back now!!” Commander Valerie yelled over the intercom.

Kenneth “the blade master” Kwok seemed to be in a killing frenzy, severing heads and limbs of demons, vampires and other creatures that spawned from the hellgates, while Yorkbing “the invisible shooter" was sniping and taking out targets from a distance with his AWP. Hensa “the warlock” was casting a rain of fire on a group of demon hybrids, while Xiangling “the high priestess” Celine was busy casting divine shields for her allies and healing those who were injured. Clarence “the guardian” was holding his own, equipped with a heavy shield and a broad sword, despite being heavily swarmed and wounded severely.

“Clarence, get out of that mob!! They’ll rip you to shreds if you don’t fall back!!” Grifter shouted over the sounds of battle into his intercom, as he put a bullet through the brain of a charging hell beast almost at point blank, while his other pistol shot a zombie in the neck. “Yorkbing, take some of the heat off him and Celine, heal those wounds now, damn it!!”

The Green Team consisted of Grifter “the gunslinger”, Kenneth “the blade master”, Clarence “the guardian”, Celine “the high priestess”, Hensa “the warlock” and Yorkbing “the invisible shooter”, and they were currently in the heart of Sun Tec City Mall, battling some demons who ambushed them while they were getting supplies.

The year is 2077 and the hellgates have reached Singapore, despite the world’s best efforts to contain the terrible disaster.

“Take this you otherworldly suckers!” Clarence swung his sword in a wide arc, slicing through the deformed bodies of the demons and mutates trying to claw at him. But unfortunately, one of them crawled toward him, and lashed out at his joint where his armour was the weakest – at the knees. Clarence dropped to one knee and smashed the head of the monster with his huge shield, but the damage was done. For every monster he killed, 2 more seemed to emerge from the hellgates.

This isn’t working, Grifter thought, and decided to change tactics. If Clarence refused to pull back, they would go to him.

***

Back at the Headquarters…

Commander Valerie was drilling the team leaders of Team Yellow and Team Blue for not training the new recruits fast enough.

“Can’t you see? When you delay in training one new recruit for a day, another veteran may die in the battlefield! When do you expect the new recruits to be ready? Do you think they’ll be fit for battle without any training, effort and time spent on them??” Michelle “the hypersonic banshee” and Carol “the flame-thrower” san almost flinched in reaction to the scoldings.

The Commander had to be harsh on them, whether she liked it or not. This was a war they were fighting, not something out of a crazy story book. She had the responsibility and the authority to ensure that the team leaders trained the teams well, and to ensure that new recruits are added to the unit known as N280, a north division cell group consisting of fighters, swordsmen, gunmen, magic users and various other roles. Team work was vital to their survival, and so far, the Team Leader that was giving the Commander the most trouble was Grifter. He was too much of a lone gunslinger, the solo vigilante.

Before the Commander could utter another word (and to the relief of Michelle and Carol), Green Team entered the Headquarters through a portal and drew her attention.

Of all the team members, Yorkbing was the most blessed, being almost totally invisible with his cloaking device, and sniping at enemies from a distance. The other team members had various injuries, but minor compared to what one of them had suffered. The last to jump through the portal were Grifter and Clarence, the former supporting and half-carrying the latter over his shoulder.

“Medic!! We need medical attention now!!” Grifter screamed, blood splashed over half his face.

Despite Celine’s best efforts at healing spells, the wound was too big and too serious for her to deal with. Alex “the medicine man” was quickly called to administer some drugs and medicine to Clarence, and to sew up the gaping hole in his chest. “Good Lord, what happened to him??” Alex gasped when he saw the injury that Clarence had suffered.

A sharp red claw had pierced through the 2 inch thick armour of the guardian and had somehow reached into the rib cage of Clarence, spurting blood like a super-soaker.

“Leave the medic to handle it,” Commander Valerie assumed command once again. “We’ve got plans to discuss. The month of December draws near, and we have a final agenda to achieve that could wipe out this demon infestation for good!”

The remaining members of the 3 teams gathered around her and listened to the plan. There were 16 in all, 16 valiant men and women, banded together for the common purpose – to fight back the gates of hell, that the evil ones would not prevail against them, and on the rock-like foundation of their faith, to build a new temple of hope.

“This is Operation Breakaway.” the commander announced, as she revealed the battle plans over the plasma screen. The cell group N280 stood amazed by the plan, and even Alex and Clarence were in silent awe for a few moments.

“Yes, it is a grand plan, and yes, we will need every new manpower we can get, the recruits, the trainees, veterans, everyone… will be involved in this operation. If within the month of December we are unable to breakaway the source of the hellgates, then we’re all done for, and every work that this cell group has achieved would be in vain. But if we succeed, it will prove to the world that we may be rid of this hellish occurrence, that we can drive the hellgates back to where they belong!” Valerie’s voice boomed loud and clear across the room.

“Alright! This looks cool!” Mark “the hunter” exclaimed while he brandished his curved blade.

“We really do need more manpower to pull this one off!!” JJ “the engineer” lamented.

“But I think it’s a great plan! We will definitely succeed!” claimed an enthusiastic Yishan “the speed-hunter” and wanted to carry on telling the whole team how she thought the plan would work, before she was interrupted by Grifter.

“Guys.. Where is Clarence?” Grifter asked.

They all spun around, even Alex who’s attention had been directed at Operation Breakaway, to look at the bed where Clarence was lying in mere minutes ago. The tubes and wires which were connected to his body were still there, but he was gone. His broken armour was left behind as well, but he appeared to have taken another piece of armour from Boon “Renji” Kiat without his knowledge, and slipped through the portal. There was a note scribbled on the wall next to the bed.

“Hey guys, sorry but I’ve got to go back to the world to do some stuff. I may or may not be back, but I don’t believe that Operation Breakaway has any chance of success. I prefer to do things my way. It was a great time with you guys, but I’ve decided to go…” Momo “matsumoto” read the squiggly handwriting, while a look of exasperation formed on her face. “Oh no! How man? What shall we do?”

Commander Valerie replied, “ He has made his decision. Anyone who wishes to go may leave at any time. I don’t expect all of you to believe that Operation Breakaway would work, but I beseech you to listen, that you, every single one of you, will make a great warrior to this battle yet.” She sat down in her chair and waited for a response.

“I think I’ve heard enough. I’m with you, Val.” Elaine “the devious one” made her stand.

“I think I speak for the others as well, when I say that we’re all with you.” Phebe “the teleporter” looked toward the rest for confirmation of any kind. She was rewarded with a general nod of agreement.

“So its settled then! I will brief the individual team leaders on the details, while the rest of you go get something to eat.. and bring out the new recruits. We need to put them on the battlefield, and I want them ready and prepared to face what’s out there. Cell group meeting is over, session dismissed.”

Grifter watched his team and other team members move slowly into the cafeteria, some were chatting and laughing away, while others seemed content to ponder about the plan, and one or two were grim looking. Perhaps they had figured out the true consequences of the battle. Nevertheless, Grifter knew that this was his final battle, regardless of the outcome, and he knew he would go down in a final stunning blaze of glory. A faint smile appeared on his face as his fingers ran over the hand grips of his dual pistols. A gunslinger’s weapons were his guns and bullets, but his real killer weapon was the mind, he thought to himself and relaxed, ready for the briefing by the Commander.

***

The Plan was simple enough.

Team Blue, led by Carol, would be the spearhead, jumping through the hellgate to start the assault on hell itself, but from there on, they were only a diversion. Team Yellow and Team Green would storm the main city of Hueco Mundo, where the leaders of the demons and the conspiracies to invade earth realm were woven were hidden.

Sounded really simple right? A walk in the park, as Yorkbing would’ve said.

Of course, that’s not counting the hundreds of thousands of demons, ghouls, hollow, and other hellish creatures that stood in their way. Not to mention the Espada, the Demon Guard and the Four Horsemen which guarded the main tower, before they finally could reach the throne of Morningstar, to find “the Big Red Switch” which they hoped would put an end to the hellgates, closing the gateways between the earth and the netherworld forever.

“Remember, once you’re inside Hueco Mundo, all communication will be cut off, and you guys will be on your own. No portals can be summoned and there’s no way to come back to earth, save for completing the mission.” The Commander briefed, while the teams suited up for the seemingly impossible mission.

“Can’t we call in more teams to help out in this mission? We’re not the only ones charged with protecting Singapore’s defence right?” Alex asked, though he already expected the answer. Besides his medikit, he’d be lugging a bagful of nanotechnology (which would come in useful to replace body parts which were removed), mechanical parts, extra ammunition, a short jade sword and his odd but very effective weapon of choice, a crossbow.

“Yeah, but we’re the only ones who know how to kick some serious butt!!” Boonkiat grinned as he packed some explosive toys into his backpack.

The Commander rolled her eyes and couldn’t believe that this rag-tag group of teenagers of all sorts could actually work together and produce such results that the Unit N280 were known to the top divisions of government as the elite demon-eradicating specialists. Yet in her heart, she felt proud and honoured to lead these young men and women, and would’ve gladly given her life to save anyone of them from this mission – but too much was at stake here.

“Right.. Blue team! Saddle up!!” Carol-san got onto her bike, as her team mates got ready to storm the next hellgate. Since they were going in fast and striking as a surprise attack, they would’ve to be extremely mobile. The team got on their motorbikes and revved the engines. They gave one last salute to the Commander, and then off they headed, for the next hellgate.

Yellow and Green team had slower but beefier rides. Two assault buggies similar to the designs seen in the Halo games and one light armoured APC were their vehicles. They were armed to the teeth, with loads of new weaponary, special gemstones, shields, swords, lasers, robots, talismans, bullets and everything else you could think of, but still, they had a feeling it wasn’t enough.

“I wanna control the machine gun!” whined Celine, but Boonkiat wouldn’t let her. “Grow taller first! The handle’s higher than you can reach!”

“Hahaha!!” “Haw haw!!” The guys roared with laughter, seemingly unfazed by the impending suicide mission. They had to act typically macho in such situations, and Momo couldn’t believe their childishness.

“Alright, settle down in the back!! See you later boss!” Grifter saluted to the Commander, “Let’s go plunder hell and populate heaven!” The two teams roared off into action.

“Boss?” After a while, Hensa asked a question so suddenly it almost threw everyone off guard. “How do you know we’re getting to heaven?”

“Cos by the time we’re done busting the guts of those monsters, hell’d be too crowded for us to get in!!” Kenneth joked and grinned. “Haha! Hoho!” more laughter followed this merry little crew.

Operation Breakaway was underway.

***

Grimjow was furious with Aizen. “How can you order us to sit here and do nothing while you know that they’re coming to attack us?”

Death, one of the Four Horsemen looked amused. “Aizen, is this how your subordinate talks to you?” he mocked.

Aizen’s smile didn’t falter. The most powerful of the Horsemen, going by the other name of Torment, didn’t need to speak for Grimjow to know his mistake.

“ARGH!! *gasp* choke!!” Grimjow’s mid riff suddenly exploded in a mass of bloody entrails, and his lungs seemed to turn to mush as he collapsed to the ground.

Destruction, the 3rd of the Horsemen looked away in disgust, while Pestilence just continued walking by.

Aizen let out a sigh and took a sip from his cup of tea. “I really hate to dirty my hands just to wash up your mess Grimjow.. I won’t kill you if you obey your orders not to attack those humans. At least not yet.. the time will come when you will have your moment. When all of you will have your moment!”