God i really want to get back to basics...! Worship You in spirit n in truth....!

Dear God,

i feel so frustrated n angry now! i have really planned everything then suddenly got to change my plans! haiz...

now its already 12.41 am.. i actually came online around 11.20 pm to type this blog, but got distracted once again by pple on MSN n other stuff tat cropped up.. but i guess its also a blessing cos if i didn't go online on MSN, soo huei might have no way of contacting me to inform me of music prac tml...

God if i have a bad attitude for the prac tml i really pray that You change this wrong angry attitude.. after all, it is still a way of serving You.. i don't need to teach the guitar lesson but i really do need the practice.. even if eunice n faji aren't there, i will be there, i won't excuse myself for any lame reason..

Father i really want to thank You for giving me the courage to finally do what i wanted to do many months ago.. not that i don't like the Strikeforce, i really do love the ministry so much, i have so many good friends there who r closer than my own cg members! yet i know that is not where You have called me to be. i want to be who You want me to be.. to really use my life n my skills n everything i have to really reach out to the lost, to bring in the end time harvest, to build disciples of Your Word.. not just to minister to the saved, but to really love the unchurch n show them the love of Christ..

Father i want to sing this song without all the music parts, without all the fanciful sounds n electric guitars, etc, but to really be able to sing the words to You as if every single word comes from the bottom of my heart, every single word is so sincere, to really love You and worship You, not the song, but the Holy Spirit who fills my life with Your presence..

Father about Joan i just wanna leave it as that.. just be friends with her until the end of my vow. i get really disturbed n annoyed when she keeps joking about other guys n stuff.. i shouldn't feel like that if i really truly treat her as a normal friend. i really really do like her so much.. it breaks my heart to have to bury the relationship that we have built up.. but i know that now is reallly not the time for me to like anyone. i remeber the story that yujie told me.. about how 2 pple really feel in love with each other, n yet the girl's father felt it was the wrong time for them to like each other.. yet the 2 young lovers still resisted him n continued the forbidden relationship secretly, hidden from others.. yet eventually the father found out. (i guess i can't hide anything from You even if i tried my best!) He was disappointed n angry with the young man, n told him that this relationship would come to no good end, n it was out of his will. so the young man went n took all the letters n things that he n the girl had given to each other, n went to bury them in his backyard... which is what i'm really about to do. God i have no backyard, but everything Joan has given to me, i shall keep it away.. 2 years later, the young man n woman finally matured enough n her father finally felt it was time for them to be together.. this sweet couple though were mere friends n nothing more for 2 years, still loved each other, even though they didn't go out, didn't dwell or talk about it! eventually the man brought the woman to his backyard n began to unearth the box of letters that he buried.. n the last letter which he wrote n was not yet read, he gave it to the woman of his dreams.. it was a letter asking her to marry him! so in the end, after years of waiting in silence, they both still ended up together!

God i find it amazing that such a story actually happened in real life! n its even more amazing that yujie actually told joan the same story as well.. perhaps we would really be together in the future.. but for now, we both have to concentrate on God n His will for our lives!

n honestly God, i love it! i love doing Your will, walking in the destiny that You've set before me! sometimes i may not like it, it isn't enjoyable, but i know that all things work for the good of those who love Him!

even right now i'm fighting the temptation to do the wrong thing.. even as i listen to worship songs n pray to You, its still a struggle to resist the flesh! yet i know tat i can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me.

Father i pray that You raise up another leader who is even better than me, who can do my job better in the Strikeforce.. but i still want to be a leader there, becos a leader is a leader wherever he goes! Amen..

Father i'm so burdened by the pple in the cell group who r so unstable, so inconsistent! phoebe pak kenneth, i can't believe that after so long, they still do not want to change n do the right thing.. God i pray tat they won't feel condemned but instead pray n reflect on what they've done.. n You will convict them of their sins n their need to repent,n start fuulfilling the simple requirements of being a believer of Christ! i pray that You break the devil's hold upon them! that You really bring them back into Your kingdom! bless them, fill them with Your presence, speak to them in such a loud tangible way!

i think i'll turn in, cos i still have a presentation to prepare for tml, but one last request God.. that my army friends all come for the thurs meething, that many will get touched by You n saved in Jesus name! give me courage n boldness to do what i need to do..

i'm stopping only at the mere request stage of prayer n it isn't good! gotta really learn how to pray more n worship until i'm lost in Your love.. all the Bible study in the world won't benefit me if i don't start to have a hunger n thirst for Your Word.. i really want to lead Your pple, but i know You won't let me preach n lead now cos i'm not well equipped yet. i'm not anointed as such, i don't carry Your authority.. but i will one day soon Lord! by the end of the year, i know its quite near, but i will try my best to see that Your will be done in my life!

Good night Holy Spirit!

In Jesus name,
Amen

Emerge 2005.. After the fires die down..

Dear Heavenly Father..

So much to tell You, so much to pray for, so much left unsaid, so much areas i need to change, so much more do i need You now more than ever..

God first of all, thank You for all the new friends who came for the services this weekend! Really pray that all of them get integrated into the cell group..

I can't believe that the small blisters on my palm r so painful.. God pls heal me, all over my body there's rash n the blisters on my palm r painful, n my dry skin is so itchy n red n swollen.. pls pls God i really need You to heal me cos i've run out of medicine! i really have no other way to deal with my skin problem than to turn to You, cos i have duty in camp tml! Help!! another night spent in isolation with terrible skin problem.. pls help me keep cool n pls heal my skin from head to toe Lord! i know this is a selfish prayer, but i really can't take much more of this terrible illness.. i really want to do finish my duties at least for the month of June becos i don't want to "sabo" my friends in SOA.. i mean i already promised to finish up my duties for the rest of the month, i don't want to cause inconvenience to other guys. but i guess if i really have no choice, then i'll get excuse duty for the whole of my remaining 6 weeks in camp..

God if You want me to be a living testimony for You, i pray that You miraculously heal me n keep me safe from any harm n keep my skin in the best condition it can possibly be.. but if i can't get healed n need to stop doing duty, i pray that my friends will understand n not get angry with me.. i'm really sorry for all the wrong things i've done, for the things i've made on my own, when its all about You Jesus..

all the sin, all the wrong things in this world r but temporary, but the love of God, the joy of the Lord, the mercy of God endures forever.

so many things happened during emerge, but i don't even have the time to write it all down! the sessions were all repeated messages, yet i remember catching difference things from each session. also about NUS ministry, i promise You i will take action on it after my army ends. cos right now i can't really do much also. God i pray You really give me wisdom n strength n anointing to lead Your pple in the choir n strikeforce n in the cell group.. esp for pple like pak, kenneth, justin, etc.. i'm really so tired always serving n serving n looking after them. i hardly have time left for myself. sometimes i really get so tired out Lord! i'm really suffering from fatigue, from burnout.. help me crucify my flesh n put on the mind of Christ in all things!!

i'm so tired yet there's still so many things for me to do, God i pray You help me prioritise my time n effort, n make sure that I do things according to Your will n not according to my likes or dislikes.. use me to really be an effective Christian soldier for You!

honestly God, i was a little disappointed after the emerge conference, becos i didn't really had my dream resurrected. i didn't get any clear vision like swee keng did. i didn't even get to enjoy much of it cos as the choir needs to go backstage for most of the time, or miss out part of the day sessions.. n yujie got his calling to be a CGL in emerge 2004, yet i didn't get any calling to be one. i was so looking fwd to it.. perhaps thats where my mistake lies, wanting to hear something from You for my own benefit? i don't know Lord, pls let me know what i'm doing wrong...

about Joan, SCSR failed today.. well good news is we made it for one week plus as mere friends, but her coming over to my place to visit me today was a bad idea.. but i couldn't resist it. God help me flee from temptations in the future instead of creating traps for myself! we both really want to remain pure n holy n serve You until the right time..

God i'm truly so sorry about the wrong things i've done, n for the good thing's i've failed to do. let me really love You n hunger n thirst for You more than ever, wanting more of Your presence each day instead of complaining about the bad cards that life has dealt to me. i want to love You more, i want to know You more.. the greatest thing in all my life is really knowing n serving You.

i'm tired, think i'll turn in. good night Lord.

in Jesus name i pray
Amen.

Safe in a crazy world..

dear Lord,

well i guess it all ends today. or maybe tml. depends on when yujie has the time to meet us both.

anyway it should have ended before it even begun. its all wrong Lord.. n i'm sorry it ever happened.

don't really know wat to expect right now.. God i'm so sorry.. i don't think i'd ever be able to do Your will cos i bow down to my flesh so easily.. You know that i knowingly sin against You in this area all the time, i pray You won't get tired of me coming before You again n again asking for forgiveness n wanting to move on after receiving Your forgiveness.. to really repent n do what's right in Your eyes n not whats right in my own eyes..

so many things coming up next week,Emerge conference, evangelistic weekend, etc.. i don't really catch the flow of the church this time round, n honestly i don't see the point in the emerge conference except to provide some entertainment for the youths.. is there something seriously wrong with me Lord? it seems i have a totally lousy attitude towards so many things now.. even toward prayer with You, toward reading the Bible.. i think i must really check myself n see whats wrong with me.. God i know tat without You my life will become meaningless n boring once again, that if i simply just want to indulge in my flesh, You will depart from me, i will grieve the Holy Spirit n never ever be able to have revelations n anointing for You..

all my ministries, strikeforce, choir, etc.. all means nothing without You. i don't really have a time to really just purely worship You for who You are in my life.. I haven't really seeked You enough, i haven't really prayed or read Your Word for months.. i think i'm really on the verge of backsliding.. i'm so tired of life, so tired of trying to live up to Your standard.. i know i'm supposed to live a life of excellence, but it seems like i'm living a mediocre life once again.

inspit of all the doing, i don't think i'm living for You at all.

Forgive me Lord.. i don't know what to do anymore. i don't even knonw if i love You anymore.. i don't know what to do with my life... come n give me direction Lord, give me revelation, give me a touch from You... one touch that will lift my life out of this valley... Ye as i walk thru the valley of the shadow of death, i shall fear no evil for You are with me, Your rod n staff comfort me..

i'm so sorry Lord.. for all the sins, all the wrong actions, wrong thoughts, wrong words i've said.. but i'm too weak right now to change for the better, i'm too tired to get back on my feet n start walking with You.. i need You to carry me in Your arms of love right now, to see me thru this period of my life...

In Jesus name,
Amen

Sick n Tired... Strengthen me Lord!!

dear Lord..

i really am so tired n confused n stressed out n annoyed n sad n upset n bored n sianz n so many other negative emotions.. anything but happy. i dunno.. i do enjoy spending time with joan, but today it seems a bit wrong, i don't know why.. actually yes i do know, i shouldn't have hugged her n let her kiss me, aside from that everything started out alright, with the right intentions.. i merely wanted to help her with her studies, honest..

i really have no mood to talk to anyone now not even joan.. i know she loves me alot, but she can't help me in my walk with You.. it was very sweet of her to call n apologise, but she was right.. i haven't done what You've wanted me to do. i just sort of brush it off n tell myself that i don't want to do it, cos it requires too much from me. i don't like NUS. its as simple as that. yet it is pst Kong's vision to be a total conversionist in the "marketplace" n my current market place (once i finish my NS) is the school. God help me love the pple in NUS, despite me feeling so inferior to everyone there..

yes i admit it. i feel so inferior.. being among the best in law school really makes me feel so small n weak n dumb. like at the negotiations test, i was simply speechless n couldn't find anything to say in the presence of those smart alec students! God i know You are a God of the impossible, that i can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me, i've quoted that verse a thousand times.. yet do i really apply it in my life? can You really push me thru to accomplish ALL things that i've set out to do?

God i really felt quite upset with yujie.. i really have a sorethroat n ulcer on my lips n a cut on my tongue, its difficult to talk for more than 1 or 2 sentences at a time cos its so painful.. even when i drink water, my tongue is painful. n i did say that if my sicknesses were cured i would've gone for the prayer meeting.. oh well. thurs there's another one. God if You are willing, heal me of all the sicknesses in my body n make me whole again..

which brings me to the next point.. of getting rid of all sin n purifying my body n life before You. i'm sorry for sinning against You again.. i really hate that sin n don't ever wish to fall into tat temptation ever again. i'm truly sorry Lord, forgive me.. change me, i don't want to ever be the same anymore. i want to be who You want me to be, a history maker, a planet shaker.. but how am i to do all that if i can't even move myself? sometimes all i wanna do is laze around in bed away from this broken down terrible world.. sometimes i wanna pray God take me home from this terrible place! but i can't.. cos my family n friends aren't saved yet. n even if they all are, i have not accomplished Your will in my life yet.. i don't even know what Your true will is right now. its not clear enough.. its not real enough.

Send me another vision, to really speak into my life once again, n motivate me n change me from within Lord, like no other can..Holy Spirit, i want to be with You once again, talking n enjoying each n every single day with You. being so real in my life.

My skin is terrible.. my outward looks probably as rotten as my inward spiritual condition now.. sick from all those sins.. cleanse me with the blood of Jesus i pray! wash me clean n purify my heart, let me focus totally fully n surrender my entire life over into Your holy hands right now, Jesus.. You're all that i depend on.. You mean everything to me...

i don't just want the healing.. i want the Healer.. i don't just want the financial blessings, i want the Blesser. i don't just want an idol to worship like any other religion, i want a Brother that sticks closer than a friend, i want Jesus to be proud to call me His brother.. God, i want to be found righteous to be called Your son.. not that i can be made righteous by acts of service, but only thru the mercy n grace of Jesus Christ.

God how can i ever be a line crosser for You? i play crossing over, yet am so scared to step out of my comfort zone.. i really have no idea how to carry on God. honestly. i'm just doing what i usually do with no real goal or aim or destination anymore. i started off the year really well, so on fire for You, i really wonder what happened? nevertheless, i once again declare that You are my God, n i'll live to do Your will. no fanciful lies or words will get between You and me this time. i love You Lord, with all of my heart...