Sunday, October 30, 2005

my time table for next 4 weeks

This is the study plan for the next 3-4 weeks... if i don't get a decent grade, at least i can say to You that i did my best! Help me n give me lots of strength n wisdom Holy Spirit!!

Mon

8 am - wake up

8.30 am - start studying (3 hours)

11.30 am - bathe, get dressed, relax a little

12.30 pm - lunch

1 pm - go out to study

2 pm - study with friends (4 hours)

6 pm - dinner break

6.30 pm - resume studying (4 hours)

10.30 pm - go home n uses com, play, sleep

Tues

8 am - wake up

8.30 am - start studying (3 hours)

11.30 am - bathe, get dressed, relax a little

12.30 pm - lunch

1 pm - go out to study

2 pm - study with friends (4 hours)

6 pm - go home, eat dinner, prepare for Bible Study

7.45 pm - Tabernacle Bible study

11 pm - reach home, bathe

11.30 am - study (2 hours)

1.30 am - sleep

Wed

8 am - wake up

8.30 am - start studying (3 hours)

11.30 am - bathe, get dressed, relax a little

12.30 pm - lunch

1 pm - go out to study

2 pm - study with friends (4 hours)

6 pm - dinner break

6.30 pm - resume studying (4 hours)

10.30 pm - go home n uses com, play, sleep

Thurs

8 am - wake up

8.30 am - start studying (3 hours)

11.30 am - bathe, get dressed, relax a little

12.30 pm - lunch

1 pm - go out to study

2 pm - study with friends (4 hours)

6 pm - dinner break

6.30 pm - resume studying (4 hours)

10.30 pm - go home n uses com, play, sleep

Fri

8 am - wake up

8.30 am - start studying (3 hours)

11.30 am - bathe, get dressed, relax a little

12.30 pm - lunch

1 pm - go out to study

2 pm - study with friends (4 hours)

6 pm - dinner break

6.30 pm - resume studying (4 hours)

10.30 pm - WEEKEND MOVIE, play, relax

Sat

9 am - wake up

10 am - start studying (2 hours)

12 pm - bathe, get dressed, go out with cell group

1 pm - CG outing / study session

5 pm - go home for dinner

6 pm - dinner

7 pm - study (3.5 hours)

10.30 pm - relax, play, pray, sleep

Sun

8 am - wake up

8.30 am - go church service

2.30 pm - head to somewhere to study

3.30 pm - study (4 hours)

7.30 pm - dinner, rest

8.30 pm - study (2 hours)

10.30 pm - go home, relax, rest

Total study hours per week: 64.5 hours!

Must not be less than 60 hours per week!

The last dash!

dear God

this is the last dash... i'll try my best i promise You.

i put You first, You'll bless me n help me.

i nail my flesh to the cross, n look to You once again!

in Jesus name,

Amen!

Thursday, October 27, 2005

thats it...

from now on, this is gonna be a totally secret blog. i can't stand nonsense about not being able to express how i feel.

Friday, October 21, 2005

i won't make it.. i'm jus too cut out for it...

so its like, friday morning right? everything's supposed to be happy n cheery cos the weekend is coming n its time to let loose n party like there's no tml right?

wrong.

not for me.. like, it somehow seems the opposit.

in fact ever since i got back from osaka its like, oh man, life is so boring here. no worse than boring, bad things happen here, really messed up stuff, i get scolding n lectures from pple, other pple give me problems n show me attitude, i have to practice "self-control" (kudos to pak, his nick speaks true: self control is not doing what u like to do n doing what u don't like to do!) n basically everything sucks.

oh am i swearing? am i not supposed to? yeah i know. head knowledge of cos. won't really help when things aren't really going well.

n some guy actually said i don't have any problems cos i'm rich n have everything i want.

if he wasn't someone i respect n love i'd bury my right fist in his face so deep it'll send his brains bursting out the other side. my left hand is already injured from punching a wall instead of my ex-gf's face, cos i don't hit girls as a rule.

so what if i'm rich? so what? being rich means i can buy my solutions to problems? for your info i'm working my ass off giving tuition about everyday of the week, sometimes twice a day. n every cent i earn goes to the building fund, cos i made a promise to give a riduculous amt of money to the BF. n of cos yes, it feels good doing it.. but at the end of the day i really don't have more than $10... not in my wallet but in my bank account.

so if you're my friend don't ever say something like "you're rich, you got no problems." or "thanks for trying to help, but you'll never understand what i'm going thru". everyone has problems man, trying to help one another is only to be human, if u don't appreciate my help then you can go to hell. i've been giving my life for a cause that i thought was worthy.

i'm living for this cause, i lay down my life into your hands... the hope of the world, in You i'll stand..

well the foo fighters have an excellent song.. is someone getting the best of me? yeah, i'm giving the best of me to the one who gave His best for me..

Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith? Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I’ve got another confession my friend
I’m no fool
I’m getting tired of starting again S
omewhere new
Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

and i refuse to do something that i don't want to do. its not being childish, its taking a stand. making a decision. i don't want to go to the prayer meeting, but why the heck do you have to make a big issue about it? oh i don't love God anymore, oh i'm backsliding, oh i'm a good example to others, oh i'm being worldly, blah blah blah.. make me feel guilty for something which the answer is just a yes or no. spoilt my whole week you know that?

give up my faith? i'm not doing that!

give up my dreams? yeah i don't want to.. but if achieving certain dreams means conforming to a fixed behaviour n not being able to be myself n express my own opinion, then maybe the dream isn't what its made up to be. weigh the cost before i build the building. sometimes u can't see every cost u need to pay. sometimes the reward isn't that great a deal.

is it twisted thinking? i don't think so. am i feeling bitter? why, yes, how'd you guess? you're SO freaking discerning! oh wow! you do realise that when i start smashing things probably means that i'm not exactly mr happy-and-docile at the moment?

roxette got it right.. you don't understand me. in the words of my most cynical beloved sarcastic interesting sharp-tongued sweet friend..

To all the great people I've met, I treasure our friendships.To all the
horrible people who made my life a living hell, thank you for giving me a chance
to learn the uglier side of life.

but what do you do when even your closest friends fail u? when u sms n try to call someone only to get ignored n misunderstood? i'd probably go n chiong n smoke n play CS until the cows come home... but the problem is, i've let go of all these old friends. they've moved on, thinking that i won't move on with them becos i chose to follow God. i don't even have their number now. is it really worth it giving up all those friends? and the ones i call friends now are too busy and too holy and too freaking high up there to understand n just talk to me like a friend, not as a counsellor or whatever??

i adore MCR, their music rocks n their songs speak the truth. I'M NOT OKAY.

oh well, time to print the songsheets for cell group tonight n get ready my bible. haha! the irony.

Monday, October 17, 2005

the people i love...

dear Lord

i promised janice i would pray for her.. n i also feel so burdened for so many of the cg members as well as my own personal friends... even for myself.. it seems the trials n tribulations never stop coming...

so a promise is a promise..

Lord, i pray that janice comes back to You after all these problems she encountered.. hope that she realises that without God, her life is really meaningless and without direction.. that she will pray n come before You on her own, without anyone forcing her.. cos i know that she is very rebellious n won't listen to anyone in church, but i still love her all the same.. a little disappointed in her of cos, but i will never disown her.. i always say that, but i still love her as a daughter.. send Your Holy Spirit to guide n counsel her in a way that she understands.. that You love her above all..

also for millie.. Lord watch over her n bless her, she is a girl who loves You a lot, You will not forget those who love n serve You passionately. take away the depression, n give her a better job that pays better.. as she seeks You first, bless her financially, as well as emotionally... i've never seen her sad before, so this is quite a shock to me.. strengthen her, refresh her..

for joan, who has been standing by my side all the time, Lord i pray that You send someone to treat her better n be the right person for her in her life, cos i feel that somehow i won't be that guy.. as much as we liked each other in the past.. we're good friends now n thats all its going to be for now.. i don't want to make more mistakes n get involved in wrong stuff again! Lord pls show us the way to behave, to be just friends, nothing more.. that i can lead by example, to be a leader who does Your will without complaining or falling away or discouraged easily.. i haven't bee able to talk to joan recenly, pray that evrything is alright in her life..

for sweekeng.. he appears to be losing his zeal for You, losing his interest in You n the church, drawn away by the world, or perhaps disappointments, i do not know.. but encourage him n be with Him always, show him once again that You are a very real God who understands what we all go thru every single day, our struggles n temptations, our weaknesses n sins.. yet thru it all You still love us whether or not we do the right thing.. God, let sweekeng experience You once again...

in Jesus name,
Amen

jus wanna be loved..

dear Lord..

sometimes it seems kinda lonely.. yeah i know being lonely is just a mindset, i can be alone yet not feel lonely, cos Holy Spirit is always with me.. yeah.. but its the feeling of being alone as in not with someone i love, You know what i mean..

i get crushes n puppy love syndrome all the time until i get immune n sian of it all.. i don't even want to talk about it anymore, i just ignore it as much as possible..

i think the temptations of this world are really getting to me.. help me to resist Lord.. show me the way of escape..

i'm so tired but i can't sleep... and when i sleep i'm so tired i can't wake up... everyday seems like a dream or sometimes a nightmare.. sometimes it seems too good to be true.. sometimes it seems like i'm in another life, doing different things than what i'd be doing normally..

going to sleep soon.. good night God..

in Jesus name
Amen

Friday, October 14, 2005

what i really learnt from the trip...

Dear God,

after recording the events at osaka, i'm now going to say what i really learnt from the trip.. cos its not just a performance, it was quite a wake up call for me too.. as well as a test of my willingness to pray n set aside time for You in the midst of all the activities.. its better to write them down so i can always refer to it..

i didn't really do much QT during the trip as during the Israel trip, which made me feel kind of bad.. becos even if its not a "mission trip", we were there to make a difference for You in the long run.. short prayer meetings won't ever replace a personal Qt.. so i really hope to build up my prayer life even more, cos prayer is the only way to talk to You.. for You to hear whats in my heart, to refresh me.. help me do what i cannot in the natural.

i remember the 1st night when arthur n me had a really long talk about our christian life.. about many things actually.. he's like the handsome guy who doesn't care about looks at all, doesn't even bother about girls.. simply amazing. He knows that looks don't matter to You, so it doesn' matter to him. that is something that i need to learn from him.. to stop worrying bout such outward stuff..

anyway we were discussing about cell group n then i realised how young he was n yet able to do so much.. i just celebrated my 23rd birthday n i'm still behaving like a 21 year old, sometimes even a 18 yr old! maybe its cos i mix with young members all the time, or hang out with younger crowd, i don't like to mix with "adults" cos they always talk about boring stuff, n seem so sober n materialistic.. but i realised, i have to grow up. i have to be an adult.. to make decisions, stop depending on other pple, do what is right when i have to, to listen to advice n counsel of older pple, help the younger ones do the right things instead of laughing my way through along with them...

God i really need to sing that worship song.. All i need is You.. cos i know my studies is messed up now.. i have too much BF to fulfil.. my cell group is going thru the toughest time in the year, members are backsliding.. my choir group members are hounding me n giving me problems, fail prelims, etc.. i honestly don't know what to do.. without You i'll prob crumble any second..

i need to start acting my age n take responsibilities for my actions.. painful as they might be, i can't keep running from problems.. i need to face them n get over them. if my parents wanna scold or whatever.. i'll jus have to take it n pray for the best...

also i learnt so much from jennifer n the others.. bruises n cuts n everything, n yet still in sich high spirits, motivating everyone, pushing everyone to carry on, leading by example... truly the character of Christ so evident in them! i was shocked at the bruises on her legs.. n she still smiled all the time.

my cell group almost collasped while i was gone.. not to say that i'm so important or what, but i really pray for mature members to rise up n not backslide!! God what is happening? i guess part of it is my fault for not raising up disciples, being too nice to them, tolerating too much of their nonsense, laughing n playing with them too much, etc... all goes back to being mature n leading them n being firm when i need to be. they won't respect me if i just haha hehe along with them.. God help me do what i know i must.. ryan.. wendy.. all the mature members suddenly go MIA. what is happening to them? pls tell me how i can help them.. n how i can help myself as well...

but i believe everything happens for a reason.. God i trust You will make everything alright again, but it'll be difficult n painful, but i'll have to go thru it.. when i see the dean on monday, pls help me explain things to him in the most appropriate way, without bursting out in desperation..

time to go for my checkup at hospital.. i hate hospitals, such a dreary feeling there.. headache coming along again.. God im so scared of facing the dean.. i've never been so afraid in my entire life... nobody knows the mess i'm in, not even my CGL, not even my closest friends or family...

in Jesus name, help me God

Amen

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Remembering Osaka! the BEST trip in my life ever!!

dear Lord,

the past few days has been totally terrific! i really enjoyed myself so much, i've never had so much fun since i can't remember! probably at my birthday chalet the weekend before was fun, but Osaka was amazing! haha! thank You for this great trip!!

before i forget anything i'm going to record everything down on this blog, and i know You were there with me every single minute of the trip! my left hand's healing, the rain stopping, the prayer meetings, etc.. it felt so good.

Day 1: the long flight to Osaka

the moment we began our trip, Mr satan was doing his job to give us trouble! the airline pple didn't allow us to bring in our drums cos the packaging was too huge! (malaysian airlines.. duh) so we had to unpack everything n pack it into smaller boxes! within one hour! there were about 12 toms, 40+ bins, 3 UDMs n other miscellaneous items, n we had to unpack n pack them all. it took 3 hours to pack the pervious day, it was really a miracle that we managed to pack them in an hour at the airport! of cos, we also have to thank our other strikeforce members who came to send us off, it was really so sweet of them to prepare cookies for us, n help out in the packing! Lord, these pple are really so dedicated, they're not even going n yet they come down to help in the physical work n just to take photos n send us off! i was really so touched by them, young as they may be.

so thus began our long journey to KL n then to Osaka. i was seated with jennifer to KL, but with so huei to osaka. it was really fun, playing games n evreything! n the plane food was surprisingly quite good, smoked salmon n stuff, quite nice. but couldn't really sleep on the plane, every few minutes got turbulance.. but somehow still had energy for sat!

day 2: rainy weather, bad pratice sessions.. but Great Shopping!!

the moment we reached osaka it was like everyone seemed so tired n zoned out, yet excited at coming to a new place. i remember cameras flashing at vending machines n signboards! they sell cigarettes out of vending machines! n the telephones have 3D pictues on them when u use them! it was so amazing to us "swa-ku" singaporeans! hahaha..

we rushed to our hotal carrying the loads of drums n stuff n barely had time to settle down before we moved out for lunch n then to our performance place. arthur chunhui shirly yongqiang n me went to some place for katsudon = pork cutlet. the place was nice n cosy, the food was great n surprisingly not too ex!

when we went to our holding area, our practices were really bad, esp the cymbals. we couldn't get the timing correct n i thought bro boon was really angry with us.. thank God the rain cancelled the performance! although i think many pple were disappointed, i was thanking God in my heart, cos i knew we were not ready to perform! maybe it was the weather or coming to a new place, or complacency, but a lot of pple weren't giving their best, forgetting sequences, getting timing wrong, etc... so thank You for raining down n cancelling the first day's performances! it was a blessing in disguise really..

at night had dinner with soo huei chunhui rallen yongqiang arthur ian daryl at some restaurant.. wasn't nice at all, n the waitress couldn't understand our orders. but after that, we went shopping n i bought lots of snacks n jap food! it was really fun, going out with the guys n really enjoying ourselves.

that night, arthur n i prayed together, for good weather n better attitudes from the strikeforce, for health n blessings, for a great performance n endurance n energy for sunday... n our prayers were truly answered!

day 3: Midosuji Parade... n the korean girls!

can't remember much for the parade, only that once again, everything was rushed n chaotic, maybe partly cos i didn't wear my glasses for that day! all i remember is that we marched from 2.30 pm till 6 in the evening! the japanese pple were all very supportive n cheered us on all the way, even when at certain parts we were really tired n really playing rubbish! (hahaha)

all i remember is my top bin falling off halfway, n luke shouting for help cos his left arm cramped.. thank God for sister angela n jass n bro erwin who helped us carry stuff n gave us water parade at every break that we had! although we were only 26 pple, i think we made a lot more noise n impact than other bands there! our Hot Summer when marching under the bridge was really stunningly loud! thank You for the supernatural strength, i wasn't tired at all even after the whole marching! i enjoyed myself so much, it seemed like a walk in the park! true, we all got cuts n bruises n some pple fell down, some even bled on their instruments.. all for God! i remeber back at the hotel, seeing the cuts n wounds on jennifer n arthur n the other pple, yet nobody complained, all had smiles on their faces, i knew You were with all of us all the time!

then at the end of the parade, we performed at some shopping center basement, it was good! the energy level of everyone was still peaking n going strong! though we didn't play evreything correctly n some mess-ups ruined the otherwise powerful performance, i felt we all did the best we could, n the japanese were impressed!

later we went to this very british looking building, i think its their parliament house, for a dinner with all the other international guests. we made a big impact there again, by clapping n cheering for singapore the loudest! hahaha! plus our traditional yumseng, n queuing up in the wrong direction for the buffet! it was really funny n amusing, but i think the funniest was the korean girls surrouding arthur! its so funny i can't even put it into words, the girl's boldness n "act cute"ness! luke also had this super funny n akward look on his face when a koren girl gave him a gift! hahaha!

i think we passed by the osaka white castle on the way too.. couldn't really see it though without my glasses! what a waste..!

at night it was arthur's turn to lead the prayer meeting.. we prayed shortly before reading Bible.. it was a great day n the next day would only get better!

day 4: Marching Band.. the day of Miracles!

like the title says, this day the Lord really worked miracle for us! we gathering early in the morning to prepare our drums n stuff, we were probably one of the earliest if not the earliest group there that morning!

we had lunch n took pictures with the Golden Bears marching band from Japan, n i must say they are the cutest n noisiest bunch of girls i have ever seen! haha! exchanged gifts n they prepared postcards for us! it was so sweet n friendly of them! singaporeans have much to learn from the japanese in terms of attitudes n manners!

during lunch it began to drizzle n it got heavier n heavier.. so jennifer told us to pray for the rain to stop n that we did! while working on the bins, everyone was praying in tongues n focusing on the work, not playing n laughing as usual, n God brought a miracle for us! it stopped raining for about 10 minutes during out performance! n when we came back to the holding area, it began to pour heavily on the other performers! wow it was really amazing. after the performance we took more than 2 hours to pack up everything, n ended everything around 5 in the afternoon.

evening was spent shopping! yeah! had dinner together in a very nice place with a very weird male toilet! shopped till about 10 pm i think... great day!

day 5: Universal Studios n the most fun i had in my life!!

we wasted the morning at some kyoto mountain n temple area, which i didn't really like, but the afternoon was super duper fun! soohuei andy titus dashun luke tom the camera man n me went running from ride to ride, n luke had this super funny n embarrassing incident! haha! we sat 4 rides, the spiderman ride was super cool n scary! it felt like we were all kids again!

then at night another miracle, this time daryl finding his lost wallet within half an hour at a japanese police station! we were happily shopping after a great meal of ramen with david yilin charlene luke n some others, then decided to sit on this huge 26 storey ferris wheel which gave us a totally amazing night landscape view of osaka! but after that daryl realised he lost his wallet n we all searched around for half an hour, but sadly found nothing. who knew, when we prayed for him, he decided to go to the police station n viola!! a japanese couple was just returning his wallet n IC! daryl was super relieved! thank You for coming through for him!

we stayed up that night till about 3 am, having supper at yoshinoya. had a little talk with ian n jennifer n bro boon, although was quite confrontational, we enjoyed the talk n i really hope ian understands that i'm not out to sabo him, but i did what i had to do becos i love him as a bro n want to see him mature n rise up more in strikeforce.. plus i believe the dream that You gave me the night before was really a warning. the dream of ian quarelling with someone.

day 6: trip back to singapore.. sad to leave japan!

yup. we were all so sad to leave japan, but most of all that the trip had to end! we all really grew so close n loved each other so much more during the trip! (some a little too much.. ral-ling became a secret joke.. =P) but all good things have to come to an end.. this is simply to prepare the way for You to enter japan one day in full force n power!

Friday, October 07, 2005

countdown to japan... minutes left!

dear Lord

before i go to japan to perform for You, just wanna confess all my sins to be able to come before You in holiness n purity, becos i know that without You i won't be able to do a thing in japan.. already my hand is injured n isn't getting much better.. also i'm pretty scared that i can't remember all the sequences..

nevertheless i believe that You brought me here for a purpose.. this will prob b my last stunt for the strike force before i retire or just be a member for chillout sessions.. i'm really getting too old for such things~hahaha..

Lord forgive me for the wrong thoughts n wrong things i did.. also for the assignment.. i really will go to school on thurs n ask for a break for this semester.. cos i really can't cope anymore.. i think i will fail miserably for the first time in my life if i don't take a break for this semester...

but nevermind that, firstly please heal my hand Lord! i can't do much without my left hand! all the training will have been for nothing if i can't even lift m y hand...i feel so guilty about the whole punching the wall incident.. one act of rashness messed up my whole life for a few weeks.. i must really learn to cultivate the fruit of self-control.. Holy Spirit i give u permission to intervene as severely as possible to help me with my self control.. please stop me from doing stupid things like that. i'm so sorry i flared up..

Please go with me to Japan.. never leave me for i cannot do anything if You do not come with me..

In Jesus name i pray
Amen!